Being able to express myself with a worried mother

[paradiseengineering]

Hi!

I make music and it has started to give me an income. I care about expressing myself 100% and just make the best music i can. 

When my mother hears my lyrics she gets worried that they are about partying and drugs/ drinking. She calls me and says that I have a responsibility to not give off the wrong signals to my younger cusins. It makes me upset and I tell her I have to make what music i like and not overthink how everyone would interpret it. 

I really wanna be open with her that i sometimes do weed and psychedelics. She found out that i smoked 6 years ago and she got so scared that she stopped eating and sleeping for several days. It was a really painful process for me and her and It still gives me a bit of trauma. She is very religious and she is my only close family member. 

I feel I am living sort of a double life and it makes me uncomfortable talking to her. It hurts me for example that i cant tell her i DJed at a rave, because she would get extremely scared.

I know radical honesty is the answer, but there is also a time and place to do it. I wonder if anybody can relate and have any advice, because this has been hurting me for many years.

Thanks for reading