Books on relationships, sexuality + some braindroppings

[fryingLotus]

Hola gente.

I have returned to Leo's video on relationships as I am almost 1 year into a relationship where I've only seen the girl for 20 days due to living in different countries and some virus that is apparently lurking around the globe causing havoc.

I remember taking notes on this video back in November, speaking to my partner and telling her how serious I am to create an amazing relationship with her.

We have both since been in the process of individuation and healing from traumas over the past year.

It has been... I can't explain. I feel as though I have been in multiple psychosis-esque states. The doctor I was working with said my Kundalini arose and whilst I do not have an adequate perspective to say whether this did or what did not happen, from reading online (especially at kundalini crisis) I would have to agree.

Everything repressed in my life rose to the surface. I had intrusive thoughts, visions, seeing entities (at night & during meditation), slipping into non-dual states of insight, blissful waves pulsing through my body, being able to move energy around my body etc.

I could go on and on... really it has been extremely turbulent, stressful, confusing, perverse but also blissful and beautiful.

Anyway...

Through this process, we have certainly developed attachments to one another, in having each other as the source of love we anchor onto in the world. There were times when this wasn't the case. Things were so bad for me I could not talk to anyone and had no option but to look inwards. This took me to some interesting places - actually it made me suicidal many times, but it was going through these dark sludgey tunnels that a tiny glimpse of hope begun to arise into something stronger. I mean right now I feel very negative and neurotic but that's another story...

Right now we are working together in relinquishing attachments, negative thoughts patterns and traumas in ourselves and in our interactions. I am coming to realize that I am quite obsessed with the idea of our relationship. It feels unhealthy some of the time, but there are these moments where all of the crap just subsides, my heart feels golden, still and powerful. We look into each other's eyes and everything seems to disappear. This happens randomly and for me this is enough of a sign for me to work on both myself and this relationship so that we can finally be free (of our crap), be with ourselves and together.

I have never wanted to get married or have children before but through meeting this girl the compulsion arose as a natural way for us to express our love. It really is an amazing force and I feel we can do anything together (we've been through a lot of crazy shit together already, even being so far apart. When 'the bad things' happen there is a voice in my mind, some inner laughter, that this pain is nothing in comparison to the love. Even that part of me wants to experience the pain as some form of test or perspective of how strong this love is and to show her that I am with her no matter what. Just to explain - this is not her hurting me directly - this is the result of traumas, old patterns etc).

With this being said. Can anyone please recommend any books or sources for cultivating and maintaining a healthy long term relationship?

One of the largest recurring realizations this year has been that I know nothing... of myself, of the world and of others, relationships etc. Everything is filtered through negative thoughts and views. I want to be a pro! I want to understand what is going on.

But yes, these thought patterns and mental constructs have been extremely turbulent to 'break'. I have been regularly entering states of strong energetic build up to the point where sometimes it feels as though I will go insane or die (and yes, every time it happens I have the thought... 'is this the time I actually go insane?' Really this can be likened to effects on psychedelics... but you kind of become used to it). It feels as though my brain will split in 2. Usually, I will use a form of meditation to help encourage it out carefully through bringing the breath up the spine, naturally building a pressure in the head and then eventually an emotional release.

Don't worry guys... I am working with a psychiatrist here too!

Sorry to blab as it was a simple question of asking for books but as with these crazy experiences, it is not something normal you can share with those around you.