Out of My League

[Null Simplex]

The recent Pickup mega thread made me reflect on all my past failures with women.  It also caused me to start putting research into how to attract women and what women find attractive, including most of Leo's videos on the subject.  It made me realize how little I was doing right in these various interactions.  But one girl from my past in particular came up in my thoughts while contemplating about all this.

For context, before meeting this girl I had zero success or experience with women beyond friendship.  I had very low self esteem, was pretty awkward, and knew that I didn't understand what women really wanted.  Furthermore, I made the assumption that whatever it is women are looking for, I clearly didn't have it or else I would have had more success.  The second assumption I made is that whatever it is women were looking for that you were either born with or born without, like charisma, confidence, extroversion, fun, looks, etc.  were all things that certain men were born with and certain men weren't.  Every time I would get rejected by a romantic interest, it would reinforce my ego's narrative.  I'm not saying any of the things are true, but they are how I honestly felt at the time.

This happened at my apartment for college.  One of my housemates who was involved in the college's political system had invited over his really hot friend who was also involved in the school's politics.  My first thought when I saw this girl was "Wow!  This girl is so out of my league.  I'm going to introduce myself to her and tell her how I feel.  She's so out of my league that I KNOW she would never date a guy like me.  So whether or not she is receptive of my compliment or not doesn't matter because I won't be dating this girl regardless if I say it or not.".  So I went up to her, reached out my hand and said "Hi, I'm Collin." with a slight smile looking her dead in the eyes.  She reaches out her hand and starts shaking mine and says "Hi, I'm *******.".  While still shaking her hand, maintaining direct eye contact, and still making that subtle smile, I replied "You're very pretty, *******."  to which she smiled and said "Thank you.".  We chatted a little bit about who each other was and parted ways.

A fair amount of time passes, and she comes to the apartment one evening.  She's upset at her housemates for being loud and disruptive and was going to spend the night at our apartment due to her friendship with my (gay) housemate.  She intended on sleeping on the couch, so I offered her briefly if she wanted bedding such as a pillow and blankets.  She said yes and I went to fetch it.  Eventually, everyone in the apartment was either in their rooms, passed out, or out.  So she and I started talking about life, her personal issues, her feelings and thoughts about her current situation in life, etc.  Once again we split our separate ways.

The third noteworthy encounter was when I was walking to somewhere on campus.  As I was walking, I noticed her standing in front of the library.  As I passed by her, I quickly said "Hey, *******." and then turned my head forward and proceeded to walk where I was originally intending to go.  I hear behind me "You're not gonna stop and talk to me?" with a sort of smile in the tone of her voice.  This stopped me cold and I really didn't know what to make of the situation.  This was the first time in my life that someone I had been attracted to showed any signs of being interested.  Obviously I started to make small talk with her, discussing the classes I'm taking, and at the end of the conversation, she gives me her number.  Rather than have me type it in, she grabs my phone and puts herself in my contacts.  But my self image couldn't accept this.  This went against my ego's narrative about her being out of my league.  Rather than accepting the hints and pursuing what I wanted, I double downed on my ego's narrative.  I backward rationalized the situation with the assumption that "She's out of my league." must be the necessary conclusion to whatever narrative I would end up concocting for myself.  The story I settled on was "She is involved in politics and is very confident in herself.  She is also very charismatic, friendly, and extroverted.  She loves social interaction and gives her number out to all sorts of people and likes talking to people in general, not just me.  She just wants a friendship."

Eventually she asked me over text if I wanted to grab lunch with her over at the cafeteria on Friday.  I was elated by this.  This was the first time someone at the college who wasn't a housemate invited me to something, and it was my crush of all people!  This was over the summer, so the campus was empty comparative to the rest of the semester.  Also, her sorority was mostly gone for the summer, as well as the fraternity/sorority scene.  So I assumed she was lonely and just wanted companionship.  We did met up and just talked, and decided to make this a weekly thing.

It should be pretty obvious how this story ends up.  Eventually, the large gap between her confidence and my confidence became a wedge in any potential relationship.  As I sensed myself losing my chances with her, neediness kicked in and this basically terminated any possibility with her.  The whole situation left me confused and depressed, as it once again reinforced my ego's shitty narrative about me. 

I still don't understand how attracting women works.  But, I think using this past experience, as well as the new knowledge I have obtained on the matter, I think I can better extract certain lessons from this encounter.  Things I didn't pick up on at the time because of my ignorance about female attraction.  Please note that these points I'm listing below are not advice for the reader.  I am the last person you should be getting advice from in this matter, as is apparent by the story itself.

1)  A girl that I "KNEW" was out of my league showed very real signs of interest in dating me.  So while from my perspective, she was out of my league, she clearly didn't see me as not being good enough for her.  It was just some bullshit my ego made up so I wouldn't pursue what wanted out of fear of repeating past events (the sheer irony of this self-fulfilling prophecy!).  I should try and pursue women I'm attracted to unapologetically , because what they are looking for is different than what men look for, so I never know what the outcome could be.

2)    Do NOT play the long game with girls.  Knowing what I know now, I did a large chunk of the attraction phase when I introduced my self to her.  Eye contact, smile, handshake (physical touch), and being direct and blunt about my attraction towards her, AND with no expectations as to getting with her.  I wasn't looking for her approval as much because it felt like I wouldn't be dating this girl anyways, so why not just have fun?  Now this is a poor way to approach the situation in the first place.  I think my future mentality will be more along the lines of "I spent my entire life without this girl in my life just fine, and if nothing comes of this interaction, then she'll just be another person that came in and out of my life in a flash.  No true harm done.  And if we end up hitting it off, that's great too!"  but I can't let my ego hurt me too badly when I am rejected, as I am aware I'm nowhere near the point of not letting rejection get to me, if even for a little while.  But this can be trained over time and with more experience.

3)  Confidence is KEY!  Regardless of women, to become the best me that ever me'd, I need to start putting more focus on my confidence on the self improvement front.  This will include me going out to fun and new exciting things at least every other week, and talking to strangers regularly.  Also, when I do hear negativity, doubts, and fears in my head, I should be mindful of those thoughts, acknowledge what they are saying, but still execute on what I set out to do regardless of the internal dialogue.  Especially for things like my lack of assertiveness. 

 

Edited July 16, 2020 by Null Simplex