From Depression To Peace Of Mind

[Mysticalsoul]

Good afternoon everyone!

 

In this journal I want to share my journey to peace of mind with you. 

 

I grew up in a emotionally abusive family: my mother extremely clingy and needing daily confirmation that I loved her and my father cold, distant and always pushing me, expecting me to be like those child geniuses. For many years I did not want to see that I was suffering from depression because of this. The world was against me - at least that was my perception.

 

I cut my family out of my life last year and still struggle with strong negative feelings, but things are improving steadily. But I admit I am a little impatient and don't want to feel stuck. Leos videos helped me a great deal. I still struggle and have major resistance against the feelings that come up. 

 

My depression has made me sick my entire life. I feel psychosomatic pain, feel nauseous or just need to seclude myself to my room, trying to sleep of the negative phases. Neurotic behavior, seeking pleasure from video games have been the norm for me. But recently there has been a change. With becoming more aware and starving off my ego my need for playing video games has diminished. I realize what I need is human contact, basic intimacy maybe even a feeling of belonging - and my abusive upbringing denied me this. even worse it made me flee from every social contact possible - making me hateful vicious, wishing the world would just end - and so on and so forth..

 

I recently got a new job and took and a semester of university to improve my health. Both my physical and mental health. I still struggle to introduce meditation into my daily routine and remove unhealthy habits from my life. 

I have been spiritual for a long time and always struggled with this. Thoughts of needing to prove that what I feel, what I practice is "correct". I know that this is because my family always ridiculed me for what I did. But those thoughts keep on haunting me. Thus I have rarely practiced Reiki or other forms of alternative healing and even secluded myself from spiritual people who put me on the journey of self-healing and self-love. 

 

Writing this took overcoming major emotional resistance. Thoughts of "needing to be perfect" "needing to be the best, Independent, needing no one" came up. I am still hurting from all the treatment that I received in the past years and there is still part of me who wants to be the perfect being which my father pushed me to become. Also dominant parts who resent my family and refuse to forgive them. 

Thus my journey towards peace of mind continues.  

 

 

Edited June 11, 2016 by Mysticalsoul

[Mysticalsoul]

Finally I motivate myself to write in this journal again.

 

A few things have happened, I have started to meditate daily and am cleaning up my diet. I cut almost all refined sugar from my diet.

Especially meditating is very hard. I get distracting thoughts or this urge to move. I still need to lay down and take naps from time to time, which messes up my sleep cycle. I am also having trouble with headaches and allergies.

 

But I made progress as well. I decided to quit all video games - something I have been addicted to for a decade. Numerous times I tried to quit - but it seem to work now. Though I do still feel the need to play. Especially I want to try out this Pokemon Go - it looks like fun and seems like a motivation to work out a little. But that I can do without any game. The motivation needs to come from the inside and not fulfilling another craving ( monkey mind - just like Leo says)  

 

I am very unsure what I will do concerning my career. I always wished to work in research, but getting the funding and all the bureaucracy is something I do not want. Especially in Germany it is hard because the positions in universities can be canceled if you don't produce results. I have this dream of wanting to live of the grid, buying a grand plot of land, building myself a bunker, high walls and live of the land (with as much automation as possible)

 

The habit of meditating daily has not set in, but I am getting there. I also want to work out 6-7/times a week (small workouts and maybe 1-2 bigger workouts)

 

I am just rambling now well will sort my thought on a later hour.

[Mysticalsoul]

So I still don't play video games and have even quit a few TV series I like to watch. They irritate me more than they give me pleasure.

 

I still run in circles when deciding what to do. Check for updates on my favorite manga over and over again, trying to distract me. I am utterly unsatisfied and unhappy. I know that this is because there is great difference in the things that I really need and that I do.

Step by step my thinking changes and it is scary in a sense: I always identified with being a green person, wanting to be a researcher, doing something to change the world, even if it is just a minuscule part. I don't feel that drive anymore - though I still dream about building my dream house. As self-sustainable as possible and safe from all conceivable disasters. Though it is still in the idea phase. Planning without knowing in which country I want to settle is rather hard. Especially I don't know if I want my house to be really far away from the city or close by.

I am feeling lost. I want to finish my degree at university but I need to achieve some level of peace of mind before doing so - getting a healthy mind.

For now I continue to work at my new job and improve my living conditions, new furniture including a bed will arrive next week. Maybe it will help with having a healthy back. It is really liberating to improve my life because I have been living on a minimal budget for years, even needing to save money on food - feeling bad for every purchase I make. Now I can be much more leisure and can invest in some things.

 

I am still a little unhappy with my living situation because of one roommate who just irritates the heck out of me. She never uphelp her promises of helping with the renovation of the apartment or upholding cleaning duty Basically I had to do 85% of the renovations. She locks herself in her room, actively shuts us out. As we chose her to live with us she agreed to several things. Well none of those things she actually fulfilled. But this will pass hopefully. I just need to calm myself and experience this anger. Need to see what exactly annoys m and how I can live content in this situation.

 

Things are still not very easy, but meditation helps and allthough I have frequent headaches I am sure that those will pass soon.