Ex Spike Self Doubt In Me

[Will]

So ..

Yesterday I decided to tell my ex that I still loved her....

did not go so well hahahaha..

Back story

I was getting needy because we where drifting apart. She found it easier to bring up past wrongs and I felt she was obviously doing this because She was not happy, getting what she wanted or just felt she could do better than me now.. Kinda sad coz we have a 4 year old..

So I had enough and decided to move out.. the lack of intimacy and sex was a breaking point. Part of me just wanted to threaten her (obviously did not work) another part of me wanted to give her some space to feel things without me.. (that did not work either) hahaha , ugghhh.. and yet another part of me just needed my own space to figure out wTF i was...

anyway..

After going backwards and forward for a few weeks she had finally said enoughs enough and that I should go and bother someone else.. at this stage I was seeing a dating confidence coach and I was actively practising how to not be a wimpy lil bitch.. nature called and I had sex..

 

that very next weekend my ex and I probably had the best sex Id ever had in my life..

Next morning she went through my phone and started to accuse me of cheating. I told her I did have sex and from that point on she judged me as a cheater..

I mean seriously. I had moved out, we were not even a couple or dating and she still labelled me a cheater.. 

Well she found her excuse and now she loaded all her past daddy issues onto me and said.. "see all men are arsholes"

 

Great!!

What now..

So I dug deep tried to learn everything I could about how to be the best person I could..

joined this group..

what 1000's of video on personal development

written god knows how many notes and  who knows how many exercises..

dated. got rejected a million times.. grew and grew and grew..

 

fast forward to today.. Or yesterday rather..

We had been chatting via sms, she would send the occasional song that she liked and.. you know.. I took it to mean she was thinking of me..

Well.... (how wrong I was)

sms here and there with an x at the end and a love smiley face there... all going swimmingly but not really getting any resistance..

I lept in..

I still want you in my life.......

SLAP...

Kick Punch!!

Not interested.. Why would I want to be with a cheater, ive been trying to fix you for years.....

(curious, not once can i ever remember a kind word or some advice) I do however remember youve got a problem, or speak to a phsyc or I cant fix you or, just flat out walk off half way through a discussion..

I never felt heard or understood or accepted, my needs and desires went mostly unmet.. Hers probably did too because she was afraid to talk about them..

 

hmmmm.

My  question is.. I feel totally comfortable in who I am and have forgiven myself  for stuffing up. I gave my all to be the best I could be but I just had no good sources of info at the time..

 

Then why oh why did my silly ego go absolutely berserk today .. It was way more keen to tear me apart and make me feel worthless.. more so than it wanted to build me up and reassure me...

 

Today was one of those days that the love of my life and my ego conspired to bring me down like a pathetic stack of cards..

I did my best to observe my thoughts and distance myself, but they ran rampant and where so unrelenting at causing carnage.. still I watch unable to do anything..

 

Thoughts suggestions..??