By flowboy,
So I've been pushing too hard and overcomplicating my life, wanting to do way too many things at a time (as is my nature).
And now I'm in this state of constantly feeling guilty. And that in itself is interesting.
Because really, all these things like strict daily meditation, yoga and workouts are nice-to-haves.
I believe in the immense benefits of them, and am only selecting habit goals that I truly believe in.
But I shouldn't be feeling like shit when I don't do them.
Yeah, that's basically been my life since I got into self development at a way too young age.
An everpresent dark cloud of feeling like shit because I'm not doing everything I think I should.
Digging Up Some Dirt
Why am I doing all this stuff in the first place? To make up for something. A perceived deficit.
The following is me examining some motivations that I've been overlooking. It's ugly, so brace yourself. This was very cathartic for me to write.
I wanted to meditate and practice concentration daily, because i'M NOT ENOUGH BECAUSE MY CONCENTRATION SUCKS
I'm not enough because when my energy to focus runs out, and I'm overwhelmed, I can't be social and conversations with me are short and awkward. I'm not good enough because I can't be interested in and focused on other people all day. I'm not good enough because I can't bear to be at a party with strangers for more than 3 hours, after which I need a break from talking. I'm not good enough because that way, I may never be good at pickup or making friends.
I'm not good enough because I don't have the concentration skills to be focused all day, so I could never hold a high position at a company or have any demanding, high paying job. Let alone run a business! I'm too chaotic and unfocused for that. That makes me not good enough.
I'm not good enough because the previous point would mean I could never become a high-status individual, call up my high school class mates who were mean to me / looked down on me, and go: "HA HA!! SEE?! YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT ME!!"
I wanted to learn to become good with girls. But, I'm not that bad with girls, at all. I'm doing better than the average male.
No, what I secretly wanted is to become SO good with girls, that I can go back to every SINGLE girl that rejected me and/or was mean to me in highschool, apply my skills, and have sex with them. Be validated. Not be rejected this time. Doesn't matter if they are married by now, I'm just going to go systematically look up every single girl from highschool that I had a crush on and couldn't get, make a giant list, devise a master plan to fuck each and every one of them, and that would be my life. The nerd's revenge. [ I know it seems like I'm exaggerating. I'm really not. This is SCARY real. There's a part of me that believes that this is actually what I'm going to do with my life...]
Oh god? So strange to actually write this down. This shit has been in the background of mind semi-daily, but in the shadows. So it's very familiar, but I've never shone a light on it. Haven't ever spoken of it or written it down.
It's been my little secret. Well, not so little. I've been holding on to this Nerd's Revenge Master Plan like Smeagol to The Ring. MY PRECIOUSSSS.
Thinking that this is instrumental in motivating me to become my best self, and in the end, be happy. Not just happy, happier than everyone else who used to laugh at me! To WIN!!
To let go of this secret master plan would mean to accept my past, in a way. To accept that I was unpopular and a social outcast in the past, and that there's nothing I can do to change that. Yikes!
It's like I have this hole in my garden, filled with garbage. Every time something happens that confirms that self image of the awkward little kid who gets laughed at, hated, bullied, rejected, something that could be taken as a sign that I'M STILL THAT KID THAT i CAN'T ACCEPT,
I put more crap in the hole and I push it down. If it doesn't fit, I stomp on it, run it over with a car, whatever I can do to make it fit in the hole, and make the garden look even.
But, more and more work is going into pushing it down. And it's been rotting and smelling bad. People who visit my garden are wondering what I'm hiding. Maybe. Are they?!
Time to clean out the hole.
My garden is uneven. Can't hide it anymore.
I could put flowers in it or something ?
I'm not good enough because I don't have the concentration skills to be focused all day, so I could never hold a high position at a company or have any demanding, high paying job. Let alone run a business! I'm too chaotic and unfocused for that. That makes me not good enough.
I'm not good enough because the previous point would mean I could never become a high-status individual, call up my high school class mates who were mean to me / looked down on me, and go: "HA HA!! SEE?! YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT ME!!"
I wanted to learn to become good with girls. But, I'm not that bad with girls, at all. I'm doing better than the average male.
No, what I secretly wanted is to become SO good with girls, that I can go back to every SINGLE girl that rejected me and/or was mean to me in highschool, apply my skills, and have sex with them. Be validated. Not be rejected this time. Doesn't matter if they are married by now, I'm just going to go systematically look up every single girl from highschool that I had a crush on and couldn't get, make a giant list, devise a master plan to fuck each and every one of them, and that would be my life. The nerd's revenge. [ I know it seems like I'm exaggerating. I'm really not. This is SCARY real. There's a part of me that believes that this is actually what I'm going to do with my life...]
Oh god? So strange to actually write this down. This shit has been in the background of mind semi-daily, but in the shadows. So it's very familiar, but I've never shone a light on it. Haven't ever spoken of it or written it down.
It's been my little secret. Well, not so little. I've been holding on to this Nerd's Revenge Master Plan like Smeagol to The Ring. MY PRECIOUSSSS.
Thinking that this is instrumental in motivating me to become my best self, and in the end, be happy. Not just happy, happier than everyone else who used to laugh at me! To WIN!!
To let go of this secret master plan would mean to accept my past, in a way. To accept that I was unpopular and a social outcast in the past, and that there's nothing I can do to change that. Yikes!
It's like I have this hole in my garden, filled with garbage. Every time something happens that confirms that self image of the awkward little kid who gets laughed at, hated, bullied, rejected, something that could be taken as a sign that I'M STILL THAT KID THAT i CAN'T ACCEPT,
I put more crap in the hole and I push it down. If it doesn't fit, I stomp on it, run it over with a car, whatever I can do to make it fit in the hole, and make the garden look even.
But, more and more work is going into pushing it down. And it's been rotting and smelling bad. People who visit my garden are wondering what I'm hiding. Maybe. Are they?!
Time to clean out the hole.
My garden is uneven. Can't hide it anymore.
I could put flowers in it or something ?