Accidentally Spiritual

[askdfjnak]

The final jump of my skydiving training is a low altitude solo with an unstable exit.

I'm scheduled to jump from 4000ft which means I'm the first out of the plane. Nineteen people board making it a full flight. I'm jammed up against the plastic door facing everybody. Everyone is chatting and getting cosy, most are smiling, others are looking off into the distance. The plane's engine roars as we hurtle down the runway.

Through the flimsy door I can see the ground rushing by, a few bumps and we're up. I feel my weight increase as we leave the earth and slowly circle up. After a few minutes a tone sounds, we're at 1000ft and we can take our seat-belts off. I haven't put mine on because it's impossible to reach through all of the legs and bodies to my side.

It doesn't matter, I'm pretty sure I'm about to die anyway. My hands are drenched with sweat now, my legs are shaking. 2000ft.

Oh god we're going up quickly. My instructor turns to face me and does a final check of my equipment. He guides my shaking hands through the deployment motions. I feel the hacky sack behind me and grip it tightly, I feel the cold steel of my cutaway handle, I feel my reserve handle. This is it. 3000ft.

It's time to put on my goggles. I undo my helmet and pull them down over my eyes. I refit my helmet. Everyone starts getting excited now. People are cheering and leaning forward to fist bump me. The pilot waves from his seat and a few girls at the back blow me a kiss. 4000ft.

A few seconds pass and another tone sounds. I twist my head to the back of the plane and see the red light has come on. We're a few minutes away from the drop point. Another tone sounds and the amber light turns on. 1 km from the drop.

My mind falls quiet, my heart is pumping pure fear through my body. My instructor pulls the door up and a wall of cold air rushes in. There is no more sound, only an ecstasy of gestures. I'm right at the edge of the door with nothing to stabilize myself. I look down. I can still see the fucking cows from this height.

My mind stops. Green light. I grip the door and stick my head out into the onslaught of air. I roll out.

All fear leaves.

I'm tumbling down in perfect silence.

Earth,

sky,

earth,

sky,

earth.

Where am I? Who am I? What is this? What matters? I enter a space I have never known.

There is no dialogue, there is no me, there is no future, no past, only now.

The cows are getting bigger.

My body rights itself and deploys. The parachute slowly opens above me. I drift down. Seconds before touchdown I look down at the ground rushing past me. Brake. Flare. I land on my tippy toes, far away from anything and anyone.

The grass whispers in the gentle breeze. Over the fence a grazing cow lifts it's head up to look at me.

How absurd this all is.

Two weeks later I am standing in a grocery store, the sound of checkout counters and soft jingles are playing behind me. I'm deciding whether to buy ramen or potatoes. I had spent all of my money on skydive tickets.

This was the beginning of my spiritual life.

1 year has passed since then. I have moved deeper into myself than i could ever have imagined.

 

 

I like to mute this video and play the song below to relive free fall.