I wonder what it is. I've been having this feeling for years now. It's right behind my chest-bone, an emotion, a sadness so painful that sometimes I thought it might be a physical ailment. Sometimes it's like a black hard coconut, sometimes more like a cut, sometimes it feels like an abyss. Sometimes it expands out of my body in a black and paralyzing depressive cloud, likely still with an intense burning in my chest. Sometimes it's an almost enjoyable form of melancholia.
It's been with me almost constantly from approx. age 20-25, and not constant but recurring in the last four years too. Almost a decade now, and likely even before, as I wasn't aware of emotions prior to starting therapy.
'Just watch it, it will change' they said, but I've sat with it many times it's not really changing. If anything, observing it closely sometimes sucks me into a very dark place for some time.
It seems to be somehow connected with loss, sorrow, longing for something I don't think I can have, disbelief in myself, lack of human contact... these are things that make the wound more painful. What seems to mitigate it sometimes is my partner's closeness (like, when he really sees into me), sometimes sexuality, excitement or meditation if they can flip into the 'ecstasy' range.
Are there more people with a persistent feeling like this? Do all people have it to some degree? Is it rare? Is there a name for it? Where does it come from? Is there a 'cure' for it?
It got triggered today, I watched it for a few minutes, once again trying to understand, and then I was down and exhausted for the rest of the day. It hurts so much.