Still, The Show Must Go On...

[Draconis Chaser]

This is the third time that I tried writing this damned journal. And it's not getting easier...
At first I wished to write about life purpose. Then, I wanted to write about weight loss. But that still wasn't "the thing" . Maybe uni work? Motivation to study?

But then it struck me in all its glory.

It's not going to work.. again...

Why?

Because I realised that there is something missing from the foundation for all of those things. 

Ambition. 

Blasted thing has got me spinning day in and day out. 

I am embarrassed to say that I have no ambition left burning inside of me. 
You know how when you put a candle out with wet fingers, the fuse is left all dark, gross and stubborn and it wont set on fire again, for the life of it? Well, that is where I am now. I got cold showered. And covered with the wet blanket afterwards. 

And mind you, it's all my goddamn undoing. 

When I was a child, I was border-line abnoxious. Wouldn't take no for an answer and had to always have the last word in any question. Well, my terror was short lived as the children in my neighbourhood were having none of it. And I thought I was fairly smart (smarter than your average bear) and liked to flaunt my so called 'superiour knowlege of interesting facts' in everyones face, especially because those were some mean-ass children, and were particularlly nasty to me. I now realise they were probably a little bit intimidated because I was interested in books and science and music quite a lot, and had always talked about those things. Still, the more they bullied and secluded me, the more stubborn and determinded I got. 

That prolonged into the primary school, and all the way to highschool. Fun fact- I was awarded the best student in my school because I was so dead set on proving to everyone there that I was smart and that they got nothing on me.  

But the winds have soon changed as Highschool turned out not to be a nightmare. Much to my relief, people were actually nice and friendly and the stubborness wore off quite a bit.
I still felt the reminiscents of the past desire to be the best and so I studied a lot and did rather good in school.

And all was well...
Exept not.

Around my fourth year of high school, I stumbled upon Actualized on youtube, and being the personal development nutjub that I was, I devoured everything I laid my hands on. All the content. Watched and rewatched time and time again, almost as much as I read and watched Harry Potter (and I can pretty much recite the entire second movie word for word and almost 9 and 3/4 of the last book).

That is also when the cold shower happened. I was working on accepting full responsibility for everything that happened (especially for all the bullying)and started to question my reasoning a lot. What i discovered is that all that time, all of my ambition was just the result of me being my usual stubborn insuferable self. And the bubble burst.

Shit.

That ambition, I didn't want it anymore. Not if it ment constantly going bact to some of the worst moments in my life, reliving them untill I felt hurt and betrayed and numbingly lonely once more, just so that I can call upon ambition to be the best and motivation to study for some random test. No. I gave it up. All of it in fact.

And, as wierd as it sounds, I do not regret that decision. My life is set at a lot more peaceful place now. 

However, I want that feeling back. I want that Superman (well, Superwoman) feeling of achievent back. I want to feel the burn. I want to want to not stop for a split second on the way towards a goal. I want to want to work hard. I want to bite into a goal so deeply that I rip apart its flesh with my teeth all the way to its bones. I want that fire in my eyes, the lasers that lock onto a target.

I don't want this mediocrity! 

When the hell have I become so agreable? When has a half-ass result become a good and expected result?! Why the hell am I doing this to myself?

I usually start yelling at myself like this, and I usually end up with the same answer - "because your life has no purpose"; And my personal favourite "and worse: because you are weak".

And I have to agree with the anoying voice inside. I do not have a life purpose. I do not wake up excited. I do not plan grand things. I do not live. I survive. 

And the scary part is that I never did. You see, I tought that was how I was always supposed to be, driven and hard at work. But the reasons were all wrong... 

Now I am lost. Stumbling on the various paths of life, alowing its tides to take me wherever they please. I know there is something bigger and better out there. Just not sure if I have it in me to reach that far, for I have burned all my bridges and am not going back to that dark period for the life of me. 

I understand that life is not ment to have a purpose, we are lucky to even be here in this form, and I do realise that the gift is not going to last forever. I also understand that i can make my life be whatever I want, but honestly, I find the sheer abundancy of choices terrifying (Shhh! Don't tell anyone that). 

And what I find myself needing is an initial push. I know I have to finish all of my classes. And I am working on that. But in order to land a job I am studying for, I have to be giving a lot more than what I am giving now, and I just can't push myself over that barrier. Or won't. It's the same really.

So there.

I have poured the darkest of my mind into this. Hopefully anyone reading would have something constructive to suggest. If they, in fact, are not bored out of their minds by this time. 

And if somebody is, miraculously, reading this, I thank you for landing me some of your prescious time, and I wish that you have better day today than yesterday.