How do I build/repair my relationship with my sister?

[IslandWild]

I'll try to keep it short. So my only sibling, my sister, that's 5 years older than me (I'm 33) have a relationship that's been kind of stagnant for a really long time. For some history - our time growing up together was OK and had the typical amount of brother/sister fighting. Last time we lived together was about 2007, and since then as we've aged we've both matured and have never fought like we did when we were teens/kids. However that brings me to why I feel the need to make this post. Over that time we have grown apart and I get the sense that we don't really even know each other anymore besides what we can piece together from texting once every month or so and what our parents relay between each other.

I'm already a quite reserved person, but with the few people I do connect with I can be very open and deep, talking about just about anything. I guess I assume I should be able to or ought to have this kind of relationship with my sister but we don't. When we do try to chat I attempt to show interest in the things going on in her life, and I get the sense that she wants to with me as well, but she ends up being so judgmental and harsh about my experiences, opinions and the things I share about my life that it discourages me for wanting to share at all. Not because I am offended or scared of what she thinks, but because I am a radically open minded person and she might as well be the opposite (at least compared to me). It's like, why bother opening up or sharing anything at all if you already know the XYZ preset responses and emotional flatness you're going to get in return? I feel it's the fact I've been kind of a late bloomer in life, and the dynamic that she's a chunk older than me and being my big sister that she "knows better" than me with just about everything, and that aura hangs over all our serious conversations like a cloud.

There is also the fact she moved to another country nearly 10 years ago. Since then we've really only been texting or video calling every 1-2 months, and I think we've seen each other in person maybe 3-4 times in that stretch when she's come back to my country to visit our family. I have not gone to see her yet, and I haven't even gotten my passport during this time either. I know this probably pisses her off or makes her sad, which is understandable. I'm sure it's not even that hard to get a passport together, but honestly I just feel deeply unmotivated and like I can't be bothered. I've always used money as kind of the lazy excuse for why I haven't gone when I get confronted by her or my mom about this. Which is partially valid because I've always struggled and didn't want to depend on them to make it happen. But the reality I know I'm feeling is why go through the headache of getting a passport, paying the money, and organizing the logistical headache of taking time off work to go see someone for 20 days that is going to make me feel kind of uncomfortable and won't genuinely try to relate to me? I'd rather have $3000 and no headache. I feel like I would just be going as some kind of familial obligation, not because I deeply want to. Besides, it's not my fault she chose to pack up and move across the fucking ocean randomly................. Feel free to call me a piece of shit for being too lazy to fly to see my sister. I already know I am.

I have been trying to push past these feelings and keep hoping she'll be more open minded so we can talk more often and connect on a deeper level, but it just hasn't been happening for a long time. And my energy to keep doing so is fading to where I'm at the point now where I am as emotionally flat as she is. It's not just with me that these negative patterns happen either, she treats my dad like garbage and frankly acts like a total bitch to him and has been seemingly holding a grudge against him for 20+ years for who knows what reason, considering we both had the same upbringing and he was a stable provider for both of us, which is more than what a lot of kids get these days.

Is there something wrong with my approach or how I'm feeling?

Am I a horrible brother and I just don't know it?

Does this kind of thing just inevitably happen with siblings, and I just have to accept it?

This whole thing has left a really bittersweet feeling lingering with me (and I imagine her) for a really long time and I'd like to make some sort of progress and healing on this front, because we are both already halfway through our lives and I don't want to go the rest like this.

Thanks for any help in advance.

Edited Monday at 11:21 AM by IslandWild