Being in the right state - Modified Meditation Retreat

[Infinite Tsukuyomi]

A month and half ago I set up a modified meditation retreat for myself due to some time constraints and financial reasons at the time. I set it up with some rules to help keep it more focused. I went into the woods each day for seven days, except day four in order to: meditate (mindfulness with labeling, do nothing, strong determination), do concentration work, some contemplation and some breathwork. At the end of each day I returned home, I did not use the internet (or my computer for that matter) or engage with social media and phone distractions. I had two goals: to break out of my routine and unconsciousness and if the stars aligned an awakening at some point. I wanted to see what meditation could really do, 5-MeO in the past obviously exposed manual techniques to me. 

I meditated between 6-8 hours each day, day four I focused on contemplation and writing identities down and deconstructing them then meditated at the end of that day. The meditation did what I expected, frustrated me, bored me, made me want to quit etc. I was DONE by Day 7, I wanted the MMR to be over. Day 7, I began to feel a sensation right in the center of my forehead while meditating, a thought crossed my mind "what is this, chakra?", I chuckled as I'm not into new age so much and don't really know a whole bunch about it. I finally decided that it was a trick, my mind using whatever it could to distract me from the present moment. I'm still not sure if it is significant or not. 

At the end of Day 7, in my frustration from lack or results, I grab a 5mg THC edible and cut it up into four pieces. I had been using these really tiny (1.25mg). The night time came and I turned on music and started to dance. At one point, my moves start to get REALLY good, I'm in the zone. Then the moves get silly, but still good (I wish I had turned my webcam on to record, I didn't think to as my PC was still off from the retreat week). Then I sort of decide to just become a puppet. It started to feel as if I was being watched by something that wanted to kill me. I just upped the ante as I realized that, and surrendered into my dance even more. A few seconds after that, I started to become conscious of chaos before order. Heartrate shot up rather quickly, and a subtle "nope" in my thoughts. The same primordial chaos and horrifying Infiniteness I had experienced on 5-MeO months prior. Then I was consumed by it, Insanity wrecking me for a short duration, maybe 2-4 minutes. 

This is the second time, I have danced into an awakening. It don't get it on low doses of magic mushrooms, or on just weed, or with just dance, just meditation or anything in isolation. 

1st Time.  2g Magic Mushrooms (trip ends and a few hours pass) >> tiny dose of THC (1.25mg) >> dance = awakening 

2nd Time. 7 Days of meditation  >> tiny does of THC >> dance = awakening

I do have ADHD and am a very clever mind so my theory here, is that my mind is simply too evasive and creative to have a one hit wonder awakening (except with 5-MeO). My mind, despite my wishes not to desire or 'produce' an awakening (since I can't will it or make it happen), simply tries to control everything too much. The 1st time was obviously shocking, but now I have some evidence of a pattern. Perhaps if you are like me, and are very mental, dance or some dynamic body work might be useful for surrender. I want to add that this may not work if you haven't had your first 5-MeO experience, as I believe that it primed me for all this that has taken place since. Leo mentioned on his blog post that state>effort, and I think I demonstrated that with my work here. I was wanting to follow up and test this sequence a 3rd time, but decided to leave THC alone after learning more about the possibility of schizophrenia. Instead what I may try in the future, is dancing into surrender while using psychedelics. 

I was also contemplating on how my mind is perhaps slapping the label of "chaotic" on my awakenings. Since psychedelics reflect the inner world, the chaos I'm experiencing is perhaps my mind trying to make sense out of Infinity and labeling it instead of letting go more. It could also just be a reflection of my own chaotic daily ego chatter or disorganization in my daily life. I need more awakenings to see what's really happening there.