Towards A Purpose

[WiNNi3DaP00h]

So thought I would journal here as a contribution to people who are in the same place as me in life.

I also find the community extremely appealing, since I want to find likeminded people who live to learn and grow, and would love to share experiences regarding the path to find a life purpose and how to implement it. 

Im working on Leos Life Purpose course, and I have been doing so, quite slowly for half a year or so. Intend to read all the necessary books, and I have picked up my tempo and prioritzied time to it.

Planning on completing the course within 2017. Ive commited to the 10K hour rule, and read approximately 3 hours a day. Im currently in the military, but my position has a lot of free time, so I use it to read. 

Thought I would journal on my path towards a purpose and keep going after I have found it. Ive added journaling as a habit so why not do it here.

[WiNNi3DaP00h]

Im not gonna be shy about posting and will be open about everything to create as much clarity as possible.

So currently im committing to these goals: 

-Finding my life purpose

-Completing "Six Pillars of Self esteem", and applying the principles.

-Dopamine challenge

Im also working on my emotional and physical health, and working towards happiness in any way I can. 

Dopamin challenge- NoFap was something I tried last year, but I had a girlfriend at the time and we hooked up more than was healthy. We didnt really have an emotional connection so it was not really a healthy relationship at the core. It was all about comfort and sex. So I quit NoFap after some time and I just masturbated a few times a month to porn, but I think it werent a good idea.

Ive felt emotionally numb since I got into puberty and porn similarly. Never really had the courage to ask for help and people just found me lazy since I would sit for hours at my room playing videogames, since I refused to confront my emotional and social problems. This is kind of how Ive lived my entire life. Escaped my problems and pain by flooding my dopamine receptors with games, TV, and later, porn. Ive been the guy who was best in the class at everything, until puberty hit. I was late into it and I also lacked the social skills and emotional intelligence to do well, and to be happy. My aquired skills in football and math in school carried me along socially and in school, but aviodably I ended up fighting to dtay alive in both fields, since I lacked the emotional awareness and self-responsibility to take care of my own needs and wants. Ive kind of been living to be a ordinary kid for my mother, and worked my ass off without really knowing why. Ive lost myself since I was little.

So I will probably get more in to details later but I feel like I have drifted so long in the wrong direction, and since I became 18 I decided to became happy regardless of how long I had to work, so I pretty much work in a direction that I think will make me happy. Im 20 at the moment. 

So I have commited to the Dopamine challenge this guy made on reddit, you can find the details over there. Overall I feel so numb and lost, so I need to detoxify in all aspects of my life. The goals above are my current approach atm.

[WiNNi3DaP00h]

So I thought I would summarize the past week. 

Finished Think and grow rich today, and feel like it were a lot of usefull information in it regarding everything. Tool notes through the book as usual and it is a lot of practical info and exercises which i did, and i learnt, or became more aware of my biggest weakness, which is willingness to cooperate with others. I think the problem lies deep in my core values with joining a social environment because i resist it at the very core. Why? Since i feel it as givining up my own standards og life and how I ought to live. I never want to comply to something unless i find it the right thing to do, and so I find most social cultures as wrong ethically, or I havent comptehended how it works mentally, so I resist it until I do. But then again I havent really made an effort to understand society in the west, or more accurately Norway. It requires a lot of reading I feel, and I want to prioritize who I am and what I intrinsically like before I start getting engaged politically.

Regardless of political ideology I thought of the idea that I resist becoming one with the pack lies in me having a lack of trust in others. Or maybe I just havent found people with the same values as me, so I struggle to connect deeply with others. This is also a problem for me socially and being one with the gang, since I have trouble hanging out one on one with friends.

I dont really enjoy it, since after the small talk is over I want to go deeper. I want to see some real emotion and troubles in the other persons life and help them, and have them help me. I want to experience authentic human things, not indulge in social media, electronic music and participate in thos pornographic culture. 

I thought of getting better at using må voice the other day. I like helping people by showing them how I see a solution to their problem, and help them see the big picture and to be honest with themselves, but I lack the enthusiasm and vocal skills. My voice is a bit monotone and has a aggressive tone to it when Im excited. Kind of like Leo. People find it intimidating I think. I want to be able to talk like Tony Robbins. To have a positive feel to my voice. I think that tone comes from how I feel emotionally on the inside. 

I saw thos post in this forum the other day about emotional healing and how the illustration spiraled upwards from bad to good emotional disposition. I think that I have to go through some sort of emotional healing regardless to be happy, but it might necessary to be accomplished to a degree before I can really start on my LP(Life purpose). 

So overall Im quite confused about everything, and I feel ungrounded at the core because of my biased beliefs on reality, that I have chosen to believe in, because it is helpful for the time being, rather than going deep into Pyrrhonism and continuing on to nonduality as I understand thats the path Leo have taken.

I have rather chosen to take the path of going for whatever promotes my own happiness, and use the emotions I feel regarding taking sides as energy to fuel me. I need the energy and motivation sine I lack it generally. 

I think I lack motivation because of my mental state since I am tryin gto heal my dopamine receptors from porn and social media etc, but also from lack of likeminded people. I feel lonely in a lot of peoples company but I have gotten used to it. 

Sometimes when I am alone and read for a while and study some aspect that seems to hit my inner interests I get in such a gods mood its invredible and I go around trying to hold my grin back, since it would be awkward to look at.

Felt this way today when I started looking up meditation/ consciousness groups on meetup.com, and I joined this self-improvement activity in Oslo in a few days. It might be few people showing up, but regardless I got in a really good mood, and I didnt notice until I met others and couldt hide my grin. It was something about finding others with the same values nearby. I felt really good. But it subsided as I was around my roomate in the military, who I find to be lost in complacency with social culture. He is a nice guy and supportive, but I dont get the authentic empiwermwnt form talking to him.

Anywas, so I completed the intrinsic motovation video as well and started on failure is good in the LP-course. 

Regarding the course my family is curious and is criticising a bit when I open a bit up about it, so I keep it mellow to a degree. Having some unsovlved problems with my family that I eill write avout as time goes, but things are getting better and changing. As am I. 

For the social part I am improving and feeling better. The military is kind of harsh to newcomlings and especially to people with unusual values. 

Facing challenges as all directions but they arent that hard, and I will keep going as i always do. 

Will post once a week, since its a nice sunmary for me, and feels good to create and contribute regardless if anyone sees it.

Got a feel that I want to be a organizer regarding conscious inquiry or a life coach. Not really sure, but have always wanted to create events where I myself want to participate and include others. Also liked to test my abilities against others, so this might be my medium. 

 

[WiNNi3DaP00h]

Sundayy, well actually i'ts monday.

Ive been back in my hometown for some days, and Ive prioriticed hanging out with my friends when it's appropriate, over working so much on the LP course, since I think(logically) that it isnt that good too read all day etc. I also feel like meeting my friends and going out to meet new people, especially girls. I actually struggle to make real connections as friends with people, and then especially guys, well I like to say used to actually, because I am not struggling so much with it anymore. I dare to be myself and act out my opinions, and I look at  failure as a means of learning now.  (Socially, so Im dont limit myself) Im more playful and physical with my friends now, and I just am the way I am, and I then  feel a bit more childish for being this way, and a bit afraid of these childish quarrels, but it had t ben a problem yet. I guess I am that childish, and I now make real connections I feel. At least more real. Its only been a week, and a few encounters. 

Im reading Psycho-Cybernetics in the course right now and I have totally changed how I live. I have been willpowering my way through life since I became a teenager, and it had invreased all the way up until now. Ive just started to do what I want, or what my body wants. Can probably say ego. I feel like it started with me realizing that failure in itself is good, because its how you work towards what you find as successfull. So I then just trust my subcobscious mechanism after reading the chapters on this, and I just do what I feel like. I voluntarily masturbated, even though I am on a NoFap streak, to see if it had any effect. If it didnt what would the point be. I want to learn things through experience and really change my subcobscious opinions. Not just understand it logically. Then I wont be living truly or be grounded in my "willpower" actions. So I think Im following my Bliss at the moment. 

After commiting to No Dopamine challennhe Ive gevrwallh staryed to be more creative in making riddles and drawing etc.(It's actually mostly socially motivated). So i just play as a kid more also. I explore ny surroundings and myself. I was looking at my face in the bathroom mirror the other day, and it's a double mirror so I can see from all angles. So I made a lot of fascial expressions, and tried to smile etc, so see how I actually look. I used to not find myself good looking, but after seeing myself in a more real and multisided way I found my face a lot mire attractive. It was really nice. I also discovered that when i felt kind of happy, but not so haooy that my face would propermy smile(when I find something kind of funny etc) I would rather have a fascial expression with slight disgust.(cant really find the rihy word, maybe superior is right). Anyways all of my fascial expressions when I felt weak emotion were not that charming. And I feel like I understand why most people dislike me. I dont really feel the way I look. When Im slightly depressed, and so people think Im an asshole, even though I dont mean to be that way, I just lack energy and emotion, and my un-enthusiastic doesnt really help. 

-But when i rather have a lot of emotion I looked so much better and when I smiled more, I looked a lot more attractive. So I feel like Im quite self-centered, but at the same time I dont spend all day on myself, and I just do what I feel is right, so I might learn through a failure here. 

So I picture myself as a talkative and energrtic, but grounded me, who smiles and is surrojnded by friends and is a leader. I do my meditaiton and other interests with others, and Im happy in the military. So thats what I visualize and meditate on at the moment. And its working with my friends. I just want to be happy. I think self-absorbed people, like me just are undeveloped and need time and maybe help to grow.

-Me out

[WiNNi3DaP00h]

Hello, its time for a new weekly post, which I delayed to do because I had a weekend shift in the military. I have now changed position after getting "fired" from my shiftleader, which he said he would do after my first shift. He said I wasnt paying attention, were distrspectful and I had a bad first impression. So he havent treated me with respect during the last 3 months. I thought he was completely lost since he is over 50 and already were getting really distant and had serious mood swings etc. So now i work at a new, more relaxed place and this was my first day. It was quite good. 

So what Ive learned is that I am in fact like my shiftleader says I am, he was just blunt enough to point it out in a public manner. have been totally oblivious to how others perceive me, and that I kind of blame others for thinking that Im not that cool and not that likeable etc. I thought Iwere acting so, but when i started to gt more conscious of how others reacted i saw that they didnt like me or how I talked. So Ive realised this, and how I think I talk and look a certain way, when in fact Im just mimicking others and I look totally different. 

I used to care a lot about how others saw me, and lived in constant fear of being caught as fake or people seeing me as depressed as I truly was. I still care, but Im not fake now and Im just me. If Im in a bad mood i am so, but Im not going to apologize for my mood, I rather apologize for what I do or say that might come off as unsettling to others. I now see a lot more clearly why I havent been able to connect deeply with others, and its becise i lacked authenticiyy. I werent me, and Im still no that sure of who I am, but I am getting "closer" every week.

So I notice more how others perceive me now since Ive increased more in awareness. I notice how others feel undettled with my unmotivatef facial expressions and how they look happily at men when I am full of fire and acting happy. 

Ive aldo realised that I am quite selective with people and who I actually enjoy being with. I can hang and be with a lot of people but the harsh truth is that i dont really, deeply enjoy being with anyone that I know well. Ive just rejectd my self and faked a pleasing personality to not be alone, and to not get criticized for my person, since Im really sensitive to criticism. I have been really affraid to fail in all aspects of my life and especially about my personality being validated. 

So I need to get to know myself better and Im working on that right noe with 6 pillars of self esteem. I think I cant love others if I dont love  myself and friendship(which is built on empathy) is all about seeing oneself in others in some way and therefore I need to love my own person more first.

I see myself as unhealthy mentally and emotionally and Im so tired in the head all the time. Im not even sure of why. I think its lack of rest in some way, or lack of releasing my emotions. Im even suspecting a tumor in my head since my right eye feels weird I lack feeling in my right facial side or it feels slightly more numb. But I havent gotten an MRI at the doctor yet, since the symptoms are so vague. My body just feels rotten and unhealthy. My throat has had this weird rash for half a year or so. I got it checked out by a specialist but he didnt really know what it was, and suggested removing my almonds. But thats quite a big process while being in the military. 

Ive also realised, or my therapist suggested that I have way to many things on my mind with personal development problems.  I had my work out routine, Life purpose, Self-esteem, problems at home and and a few more. So I think way too much about it and get completely absorbed and fail to commit long term to any of them. So Ive decided to work on my self-esteem for now, and when Ive reached the pillar of living purposefully Ill go back to Psycho-Cybernetics and my Life purpose course.

Guess this is it for now. 

Byeeeee

 

 

[WiNNi3DaP00h]

A lot has happened, or is about to happen in my life right now. 

My family is splitting up. My mom has decided to leave my step-dad. We have lived together for over 10 years, and it means that I have to stand on my own legs from now on. My step-dad never really bonded that well with me or my sister, and it never really worked out. When I got into my teens I really started to get frustrated and disliked him, since I felt like he wasn't making an effort to be a father, and I felt like he never really accepted me or my sister, and thereby weren't able to be on our side, and respect us. I now realise that there were a lot of reasons for this, and that it of course has been very difficult for him. My real father has lived in the same town, and has been off and on in keeping in touch. So my step-dad didn't fell like he was permitted to be a real father figure, and my real dad didn't dare take the responsibility. This was because my real dad and mom had a really bad break up when I was small, so my mom never really permitted him to raise us as he pleased. Much of this because he is religious. I don't really remember the break up except bad things happening in the aftermath, and how it all felt so artificial when I could meet up with him, and it still feels artificial. 

So this post is kind of chatty about things in the past, and it's ok to think about it a bit, but not really any point in bringing it back to light and to make bad or good guys. I might have to reflect on my childhood to realise what problems I am having today, or maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lie. Who knows, just a thought. I feel my emotional self, or my authentic self is a uncertain, selfish and undeveloped child. I remember when I read "Reflections on the art of living" of Diane Obson, she said that she was afraid to dig into her emotions, because she was afraid to lose her thinking. I feel just the same way. Whenever I let go of my effort to focus and to be conscious of what I "should do" I become a lazy slob, and totally lose my ability to reason, care, and to make rational decicions. I can live this way, but I totally lack willpower and I'm like a baby who just wants to eat sleep and talk about really weird stuff. I would as a first end up unemployed, and then slowly learn the hard way after making a mistake like 5 times with serious consequences. But the good thing about it is that I would really learn it, deep down, in my emotions, and my psyche. Now i feel like everything i learn and do is purely intellectual. That is probably because what Im mostly doing is reading, and not that much practice. 

Actually when I write this, I realise that I am probably developing deep down, it's just that it goes really slow, and that I'm stumbling around not really sure where I'm going, since I don't have a clear plan. I'm not really meditating as much as I need to develop deeply as well. I think. So I am uncertain of how I am going to go about working towards self-actualization, but Im going to make a slow progress plan on Wednesday. A huge problem for me has been that I have been a perfectionist. I want instant results which are great, and make huge plans and try to do everything cold turkey, which haven't really worked out for anything, hahahaha. 

So will probably still work on self-esteem, since Im so uncertain of myself. I don't dare to be myself around others and I feel all this emotion inside, at times, which just wants to break free but I don't know, or don't dare to express myself. Most of the time, however, I'm totally out of touch with my emotions and I just surpress them, for being able to focus and do the tasks required in the military. I go around looking sad all the time, and when I am around a sympathetic person I suddenly get the urge to cry or something. Have this lump in my throat and feel really sorry for myself. I don't really have a good reason I think, except that I am unhappy with myself and that I feel sorry for myself because I am the way I am, due to how my mom chose to raise me. So I'm a huge victim in this sense, and I'm working on it, but me feelings aren't necessarily logical, at all, so I get angry and emotional about really weird shit. I'm also not able to hide it unless I make a real effort, since my face is so expressive. 

So what my plan for the divorce is, is to move to my grandmother, then my biological father, and after that into a group-apartment. Working towards getting a job as well to fund it all. The military money is not quite enough. So I thought a group-apartment with strangers would be a good idea, to learn and push my comfort zone. Could probably live with my dad, or grandmother for a while, but I'm charged with this self-sustaining motivation after being told that I can't live at home anymore, because of the circumstances. And I really like it. Well, parts of it. Ive lacked motivation for some time now, and this is a lot of energy. I feel really stressed, and it's negative motivation. I feel like there is this barrier underneath me that I can fall through and if I do, it's the end. Even though I know it isn't the final end. That barrier is failing to sustain myself economically. So this negative motivation is energy that is welcome and needed to handle the situation and to drive myself forward for som time, until I can get into routines and hopefully transform the motivation into the positive kind. 

Also feel like mentioning that Ive made a change in personality. Met this guy that is very self-absorbed an kind of depressed, and after some time I realised somehow, how I have been so irresponsible.  I've been that guy who talks the talk, but rarely walks the walk. I haven't conjured the energy and action required to make changes to how I want my life to be. Instead I used to just label everything as clearly as possible in my paradigm and see the reason for everything, and then not do anything about it, and I didn't even see the option that I had the power to change my circumstances. I just felt powerless, or were just unaware of my power. I'm not sure. Maybe the change came through "Six pillars of self-esteem". 

So now I'm more about walk my talk, and generally talk less, and do more. It has made me a bit more introverted and shy, and I fell like I have trapped my emotions inside a bit, but I prioritize other things over venting how i feel for the time being, and so I can vent to someone I trust, or release the emotion in some other way. Regardless I feel a lot inside, and I need to let of some of this sad emotion to feel better. I will find out a way, tomorrow. 

Good night from Oslo <3

PS:Realising that I'm not as invested in the forum since I haven't really been sure of what I want and therefore not really reading with a clear picture of what I want to learn. But I will look more into how others have dealt with self-esteem issues, and learn from their experiences. For now I'm just posting my mind

[WiNNi3DaP00h]

So time to sum up the last week.

Right noe Im sitting on the railwaystation, waiting for the train towards my grandmother. I asked to live there this week, since my step-dad and mother are splitting up, and things needs to be rearranged. 

So Im looking for a job now, and a new place to live. I think I want to join a student apartment or live together with other people.

So right now not too much happening in the personal development compaetment when it comes to theory, but Im rather getting into a new routine. Ive realized that I usuaøly tale way too much on the plate right away, and end up not finishing anything. So Ive commited to working an hour a day with my self-esteem, and doing the sentence completion exercices in the morning and afternoon. 

Ive started reading six pillars from the start to properly understand the content this time and my goal is to complete the book within 17. of June, and to read 10 pages a day. Im also setting chapter goals for when to be finished with them. Taking things in small steps now. Will increase the amount of work when I have gotten more into my current routine. 

My new routine is quite simple, but actually a bit challenging to follow. It is mainly about being more social and more personal with people, so I can be myself more socially, and not be "fake". Aldo trying to make better and more real relationships with friends and family. I realised this the other day: That I have used to boe social with the group as a whole, and not talk to individuals. Its kind of weird and it doesnt really work, and it is unhealthy. I kind of kust followed along to not be alone, and didn't dare to be myself one on one with people. But lately that has kind of changed and it's really nice when i think about it. 

Ive started to talk with a friend once a day, a family member once a day, and to exercice every day. So naturally I have gotten more confident in talking and in beinh around people. Im quite calm so far, but my communication skills are evolving slowly. They arent that bad, but I want to get more confident in my own person in more situations. I just want to maintain my self-image, or self-esteem over time and I will get more confident in my person. It's like Nathaniel Branden says in the book. It's an achievement. So at the moment Im trying to het into a more social and healthy lifestyle, and after some time I will get more used to it, and then set new goals. I will make notifications of it on my phone actually, to increase the motivation and tick of the daily and weekly routines.

Ive also noticed how people feel  very relaxed about being around me now, or about talking to me. I can usually talk with people for a really long time on the phone or in person. I think its because Im so open and authentic, so the conversation just keeps going for a very long time. My voice is a bit muted, and Im not quite sure of how I look, but I think I look unhappy or like I dont care, so people usually look a bit annoyed with me. I can see it in their eyes. 

Ive also started to defend my own views and boundaries. Feels alright but can sometimes be a bit hard. Ive also started to tighten my core when I talk to people and I feel like they are being slightly hostile etc. Just to not let it hit me and as a defensive reflex. 

Just finished the first chapter of basic principles in Six pillars, and it was quite ok. The book is really well written and every sentence has real juice and personality to it. I really like how he writes.  

So thats it for now. 

New post next week.

[WiNNi3DaP00h]

So now I havent written in some time. 

Im taking life a lot more chill at the moment and I have realised that Im far worse off emotionally than i used to think, and a lot of challenges socially that I want to work on. Started to work with this new psychiatrist who is very good and he made me realise that i talk without getting to the point. Im the opposite of consise and I feel this need to talk and formulate a lot around mye ideas to really get to explain it thoroughly. So what I probably lack is emotional awareness of the meaning of words so I dont really connect so deeply about what the words I say, mean. So then I have to talk al ot and I feel this need to express myself a lot socially or I will get depressed. At the same time I also lack energy, so its a paradox. My lack of energy comes from depressive symptoms, allergies and lack of sleep I think. Im also extremely stressed and get very tense i my msucles and body. Just really need to upper my qualtiy of life and Im starting from the bottom. So Im not really at advanced personal development yet, which actualized is all about, Im rather at the basics. I need to start at my own level and work up form here and go with my feeling. Currently im just taking life chill and Im not really abot all this passionate life yet, I just want to charge mye batteries and become more happy and sociable and just enjoy life. Starting to follow my intuiton or feelings more and have stoped lving so mechanically and do stuff when it resonates with me, and not before just because I should. 

Night

[WiNNi3DaP00h]

Hello Actualizing people, if you read this I wish you a nice next week wherever you are <3 

So personally I have become more focused lately. I made a desicion and have gradually started taking more responsibility for doing what so is required for me to get what I want. 

A lot of the insights comes from six pillars, and overall its all about the idea that I must trust my own ideas and judgments, which is something that I havent dared to do except for a few years during elementary school. So thinking and taking responsibility for myself is a challenge for me, but I am making serious progress.

Reading six pillars is what so has enabled me to make this mental shift, so if you are reading this and struggle with being independent and trusting your own thoughts - look up "Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" by Nathaniel Branden.

But also with trusting my own thinking more I am experiencing getting more into arguments and quarrels with people, which is fine because I have the skin for it now, and I dont really care about being right, but rather on facing the problems which had caused the quarrel. I look for the truth and what I want to do all the time, so improvement and happiness is the focus. So when quarrels arise I feel it as either revealing a problem that I can help fix or its a huge waste of time.

-So again if you also have it in you to argue and have strong opinions and at the same time is struggling with self-esteem, and feel afraid to stand up. Read the book, and what so has worked for me to make progress is to listen to my body and mind, and try to always do what I see as best. AND if I fall off the wagon, if I fail in staying true to my self, that is completely ok! I just keep doing what I think is best and start making my way up again. I try to not critizize myself or beat myself up for it, which I used to. That reaction is not constructive for improving the situation for the better.

So thats one of the ways that I feel that I have grown lately, and it is amazing. 

Also working with my psychologist to improve my communication and work on my sensitivity to critisicm. Also recommending going to a psycholigist if you have any kind of mental or social problems. The people who thinks it weird etc are just uneducated on it. It is good for you to work on yourself that way, regardless if you have a "problem" or not(could call it mental coaching) and if you have some issue within yourself that you feel is unadressed you HAVE to work on it for it to disappear og change for the better. Nobody else is going to take that first step for you, just do it. If you want to be happier you have to make these kind of changes.

So keep it up actualizers, and again, have a nice week :))