Allinthemind

You fear judgement by talking and have justified it by thinking that talking will inflate your ego. You will master your communication by talking more and reflecting on the interaction. Self belief and confidence in social situations is there for you to develop. Your response can help you (and the others) appreciate how well you are listening.

At your age, hormone levels etc. thinking about sex is quite normal, enjoy your fantasies. Managing your sexual desires (through masturbation) is far better than suppressing it. These thoughts won't just stop even if you were in a relationship. Masturbation triggers your sadness, but it is not the cause of your sadness. Keep interacting with people and the relationships will follow.

Would it mean that watching these videos is an illusion too?

Your experience is filtered by what you believe, which distorts your "truth".

Feelings can be imagined.

This is anticipatory anxiety fooling your mind into believing that catastrophic things will happen. Catastrophes are rare, but your mind is now imagining the worst case scenario. In this moment there is no threat. Continue using your meditation to stabilise your anxiety when you are not there. In the long term, consider if you have to go to the house. Is avoidance an option? Or work on building a better relationship with your father and the other people there.

Venting gives you the opportunity to access new positive thoughts.

Imperfections are perfect! Celebrate your imperfectionism!

Redefine your life purpose.

Have chat to your GP. The cure and symptom reduction will be dependent on the cause.

Your adjustments to your previous "manipulation" is helping you to review your position, which is good. If your relationship works out, it will also help you to appreciate that an amount of dependency doesn't weaken you, it can enrich your life. (Are you not depending on us to change your awareness?) Whilst there can be inherited beliefs running through your family, there's no guarantee that your father will be a carbon copy of your grandma. He (and you) will have mellowed by then, I'm sure, particularly with the help of your mother. Your dad is being compromised right now; he doesn't want to feel guilty abandoning her when she may not be around for long. I agree with your concept of happiness up to a point; other people can complement your life, you don't have to be angry at them and isolate yourself to prove a point.

What has your grandma done/doing to you to cause this much hatred? Do you hate her because she is dependent? Your high expectation on independence (your own and of those people around you) is a source of your anger. But at your age, it would be a common healthy need to be independent though. I think that your mum's suggestion that "you need to be more helpful" will guide you to being a better person in the longterm - sometimes helping others/acts of kindness can have its benefits. But right now your independent perspective is antagonising this. Have people rejected your requests for help in the past? And did you shut the gates on "helpfulness" as a result?

What makes you think that you are not normal and not perceiving reality as you should? One's perception of reality is based on your beliefs.

No, this is not one my parenting solutions. Rather than teach you that the world is a loving place and that love can be shared, this behaviour would push you to the extremes; you are prized trophy or you are worthless. Have you grown up with attention issues? Your mother was trying to fix something that she didn't get as a child. This doesn't make it right, but in whichever way it has shaped you, it may help you to place some distance on her conditioning. You don't have to continue being part of your her value system. How has this affected you?