FelixP

Thank you for asking some great questions BlessedLion. You are so right about the challenge to autonomy being more confronting than the actual thing itself. And thank you for your alternate perspective LordFall. I don't often post on forums but I'm certainly feeling the support here. The drug use is by far the main thing she is demanding change on. I can't say she isn't wanting me to work on other stuff too but this is certainly an outlier. I can see there is some wisdom there for sure and would be a good opportunity to become more equipped with those other tools that were mentioned. It really is the importance of these substances for spiritual and personal growth I am questioning at the moment. I'm grateful to hear people's views on this so thank you again for the responses.

I've been with this girl for almost 3 years. We had an awesome time last year converting a van to a campervan and travelling around Australia for 5 months together. We are close with each other's family and live together with mine. We often talk about getting a sapphire we found on our trip cut into an engagement ring, getting married and starting a family. Although she is a few years younger she's always seemed very wise for her age. She's kind, considerate and has some great values. She has a celebrity-like smile and is very beautiful. When we started dating I was very clear about my drug use - psychedelics a handful of times a year and occasional use of edible cannabis. Although she has a very "innocent" group of friends and family with quite conservative values this didn't seem to be an issue for her initially. She says now however that she was uncomfortable with it entirely from the start of our relationship and the only reason she tried these substance was because she loved me. She had what seemed like some pretty profound experiences on them while we were travelling but now only seems to remember the negatives. I get the sense that recent uncertainty in my career (last month or so looking to switch jobs) plus maybe other stressors/breakdown in communication is being scapegoated as due to the drugs (of which the frequency of my use hasn't changed since we started dating) and that she may be caught in an echo chamber of closed-minded family and friends she confides in. She says she feels that poor communication, dishonesty and disconnection in the relationship and also in my other relationships (i.e. to my family and society) is directly related to the drugs and that if I see a future with her at all I need to not use them. I tried compromising with frequency saying I could give up cannabis and only use psychedelics once a year very intentionally but she is unexpectedly drawing a hard line. I'm really struggling to navigate this one and unsure if I want to pledge my indefinite sobriety. I could easily see myself not using anything for a year but it's the ultimatum which is so difficult. She seems to be caught up in the thought of "it's me or the drugs" and comparing my love for drugs to my love for her. Your thoughts, feelings and advice are welcome and most appreciated.

Thank you Natasha for your considerate response. I found your understanding of my girlfriend's journey with boudary-setting in the relationship quite touching and insightful. Reflecting on your questions I think there would be perhaps more regret in ending the relationship than staying sober and I agree that I wouldn't want to compromise on integrity if I were to take that path. I guess I'm just wondering whether I would still have the tools to live life at the level of consciousness I would like without the occasional psychedelic experience to guide me.

A discussion on subjectivity and perspective between stage orange and stage green: Green: For the purposes of quality (non-violent) communication I think it's important to recognise that there is no objective reality and people will interpret the same things differently. Orange: But what's the use of that? With that logic we'll never get anywhere. Green: Don't you think it's ironic that we disagree on whether we see the world as subjective or objective yet you still maintain that it's objective? Orange: Not really because there are obviously some things everyone can agree on like if you say to me, "this chair isn't a chair", then you are clearly wrong. Green: But what if someone has a mental illness and they honestly don't see that chair as a chair but something else? Orange: Well that's why they are mentally ill then isn't it?