Diary: Medical School Journal.
Chapter: Life in Experiential Recursion (chapter entries seem like a smart idea).
Date: November 22nd entry.
Type: Consciousness stream.
Part/s: 1 of 2. Ran out of time.
Entry number: #3.
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Title: Sleeping attractions to Awakened Catharsis.
Recursion.
Continuous learning.
Replaying the moment.
The ability to replay a feeling and experience it, hides the architecture of my control over every other consciousness state.
When I am able to replay the moment, not as some perfect digital object but for all its natural contours, the present moment experiences juxtaposition.
As I look around myself, it is obvious that most people experience their consciousness in exhalation. Mediation with awareness from A to B does not characterise the spectrum, it is the meta-awareness and its scalability of experience, or rather, its individual experiences, which opens the doors from inhalation to digestion to memory, to exhalation that has truly tasted something we may sublimate as "the fruit of life". Understanding this as a temporal span that biases the energy of my own experience forces the question in me, am I paying enough attention and what are the anchors that create the gestalt we refer to as our embodied whole for me to properly understand how I should be governing my attention? Most experiences I have are as good as gone in the next moment rendering my recollection of them in the next, beautifully granulised, an impossible task. Analogous to AI's attempts at recreating one's visions through shallow linguistic prompts, selections are made in the same way selections are made among the minds interpretations of the past, followed by a pairing phase between memory relived and the respective identity whether it’s ourselves or the narrative, artwork or larger project we’re working on.
The described juxtaposition in my consciousness I notice happens in a number of ways. I may be attracted by a woman, wonder why she's still on my mind an hour later, only to have the memory of attraction refreshed to noise by another woman in the next moment as she steals my gaze with a stare that forces an imbalanced circulation of hormones. This gives rise to thinking about state through a kind of hyper-lens, something I may call the hyper-state-temporal, which is a different infatuation than with purely the construct of time itself. That is, instead of becoming preoccupied with any one state-experience external pairing, its utility in understanding the internal mechanisms that self-govern the "governance and release" valve. Helping me differentiate where my power lays versus the power of a woman and where the absence in analogous awareness is a description of not only my own powerlessness, but that of the general population concerning nearly any pull from consciousness they have especially to those wills externalised, potentially corrupted by them too. Outside of course, consideration of those pulls to make love with another, pulls that are inept when it comes to differentiating the purity of intent versus its obscuring. The myopia of choice by attraction sharing the same chasm as the modus operandi of all billion-dollar capitalistic investment scandals of course.
It's interesting, the regeneration of time following the movement of one attraction to the next I see, greatly impacts the temporal context viewed and how people are revealed. The instancy of beauty noticed hides the beauty of another that takes longer to realise, returning my gaze out towards the world into something that mirrors infancy more than the maturity they may superimpose on any words relayed towards an attraction. There were after all, several other women within one reach that instead of being noticed, felt like props on a stage in which my consciousness attempts to deny its own selfhood by revealing itself through the vines of attraction wrapping around any meaningful tie to reason my subjective reality has over understanding itself through its self-generated smoke, vines it instead anthropomorphises as its chance for unity through 'biological interfacing' of spirit. It’s the amplification of otherwise neutral stimuli by dual biological intersection between gender and sexual orientation meeting future dissolution after reading Ayn Rand. More meaningfully though, for any distortions that occur the two-and-throw between hyper-temporalization of states of consciousness and the hyper-indexing that follows from granulized self-insight on their existence, opens the gates to a funnel that filters for preferential sanity amidst otherwise a hopeless decay of foresight that sees its own self-denial from the future looking back, a future self warning me of the costs of divorce court and an unplanned pregnancy? Impregnating for depth, I know I need to reach for maturity in understanding my own consciousness reactions beneath the hood. Hyper-indexing simply means the insight thats forged between one or more hyper-temporalised experiential spaces, say in relation to the temporal contrast forged by comparing one attraction to another and how by one (or the memory of one) silencing for little reason outside of the beauty of another they both cancel one another out The lesson in realising one's own self-deceit and the folly of self-persuasion of potential future fatherhood based on choiceless reactions depending on fleeting attractions, apparently ultimately fails the Turing test for genuine consciousness. A self-insight to personal growth which changes the homologous category of ‘attraction to potential ineffable posturing' after reason of course eventually fails after the intellectual transformation and nature, or just present evolution, takes its rightful place, evolving my consciousness through the dual program of insight and hormonal rebellion, and therefore chaos to unexpected ordered synthesized memory.
This leaves me to wonder, has this shifting between attraction - temporal indexing - insight revealed the very mechanism that complete impeturbability is achieved, or is impeturbability merely an unmistably illusory resolve as a psychoanalyst may say? The imperturbability is only an outcome of dual cognitive shadowing though where processing balances any conclusion towards stress by managing expectations, beliefs and desires, along with locus of control, or just its absence often felt as loss. If I have only realised this now, why only now? I suppose the only conclusion was that the underlying mechanisms were saturated by not only the experiences themselves but the philosophies curated around them. I was not questioning experience enough, I was free-styling with the skateboard I was given rather than inventing the ski's. Producing an unawavering blindness proportional to the lack of genuine insight regarding.
I can add more to this nomenclature of blind-freddy. But gosh when am I going to fully recover from the effects of these seizures. I feel like I'm consistently choosing the shortest straw of the variations of myself with nothing else to reach for, with a future self reaching into the mud in which I dwell to pull me out with straw to become stick. That said, let me get back to the drawing board.
Reward based consciousness is a paradoxical virtue, I know I've gotta have it at the seams of consciousness independence, the heel of the boot of agency. For what other power is there to yield that is not free from the over-consumption of power other than the awareness agency subsubes? This independence creates the arch by which the rest of the world enters, that creates chemical dissolution of the effects of the worlds stagnancies. A place of coming and going of the world's effects that mirrors what are some archtypes of the described imperturbability, at least in some of their appearances. Agency is the only real definition of both reward, power and independence; not to mention consciousness that has any business at all with the ups and downs of doing's and "Something or other's". This is admirable reward seeking behaviour that I have been seeking in the past, however without the sophistication on how to upgrade the vehicle of self with some extra subwoofers and spoilers that gave the appearance of agency. A stronger voice, bicep (s) and the raging hormones. A partial product of injected partial views from "how to be a man" by something or other author, argumentation no longer or intricate other than "You here my voice don't you? That's a man. I am man. We are man. Done". It breaks ice without knowing how to carve it, and that's the reason I am looking for in the intricacy of discovering my own manly consciousness. As it should be and as a man should be doing, curating his own design of himself and much more as to me, and perhaps I will end the claim further by the end of this entry, it is man's agency, his choice, his self, his will, that by design he is meant to wield this power into designing the architecture of his being, and that is his sole differentiation and his soul yearning. The very definition of a beta-male versus an alpha-male is not that its too simplistic of a dichotomy and we should throw it out, it is to the degree that he wields his own choice as his own choice. Maturity of that choice is an overlapping voice, however a man must start with choice discernment to graduate that maturity and he will not truly start that developmental phase until he has started to truly wield those powers on his own behalf. This becomes the reward of being a man, and this is precisely how a man chases the reward of being himself and the degree to which he becomes embroiled in the illusions of the rewards externalised to his senses tricking him into the belief they're instead an internal resolve, is by that degree precisely that energy will be taken away from his purpose here.
A man is an architect, and so when he falls into the reward architectures of the world, his will becomes programmable and his soul always feels like something is missing. Creating a loop between the programmed belief that relieving this yearning is found in the external apparitions of reward, chasing, perhaps momentary satiation, finalised by a continued unmet yearning that lay deeper beneath the architecture of his will that upon reaching the end of his tongue, becomes the figurative voice that architects the world. Men build to create structures from the physical to the meta-physical, a place in which people can safely dwell within those confines. Those structures can be outgrown and those structures can be reached as the next step. By men, I can say "masculine principle" if that moves better however the point is still the same, the persons trying to be a man so let them be as there are plenty of men that have forgotten their path, and that is the definition of a beta male. The beta male is not less in design, however the truth that he has forgotten makes him less in the meaning of who he is meant to be underneath. Moreover this truth does not weaken even when we consider people that are merely struggling to function at these limits, in fact to me, that is taking away their dignity of at the very least what they were destined to become and so they shouldn't be lessened by any weaker categories or just anything that follows with definitions that presuppose they were meant for anything less other than to wield the power of their god given sentience, something that is undoubtedly mirrored by over-capability, with our stretching towards extending these powers and something that as we know is pioneered by those that have embraced this masculine. This over-reaching, is calculated immaturity, and the weight of maturiy its possessed by, take the interests of Neuralink as just one simple but meaningful example, are only relative to the protection and genuine growth it affords the rest of the tribe, which in this case is not only yet to be determined and hardly to the level of the companies ambition, which includes close to the whole of humanity. Moreover, man's (principle of the masculine - why not use them analogously now) imperturbability as I contemplated, is the calm in the storm that's achieved once he wields this from narrative to bearing the fruits of the practical causes that follow. There is no secret recipe as some have assumed, and as I initially pondered, "Have the thing of nature do the thing it is meant to do and you will see it splended". Anxiety, neurosis and these things in men, are when he is afflicted with the demons of paralysis, an affliction that we should not wish upon even our worst enemies or evil men if we have a choice between this and instead steering the masculine's role to its soverign respect for the natural world from which it spawned.
To myself and something that is undoubtedly symptomatic to this greater cause when culturally applied, the first realisation is in realising your existence is not only taking part in a social contract, it is a social contract, and power differentials are the sole medium and balance by which all social contracts are formed. The masculine must understand that its first social contract is between itself and its respective society, if not its tribe and or family which bares the same characteristics so for now I will not elaborate more than the category of society as an informal practical use, even though in some arguably many instances depending on the demographic, the family can be denoted as its own social contract separate to the respective larger society simply because of the larger influence of family than society. The masculines second social contract is between itself and its conscience, the latter which has great influence from the first contract and is the first symbiotic contract, at least the one that is most felt. The third social contract is between itself and all of creation (i.e. analogous to God, mother nature or however one wishes to denote), and this is where now two symbiotic contracts are now built with the fourth social contract, beween its identity and its essence.
Each contract is interesting in its own right, with the first contract descriptive of so much that the individual compares themselves to and it is by this comparison that they're easily unknowingly used to their disrepair relative to the lack of health of a given society, of which ours if we parse it as 'the western world' is at its all-time worst stage. Most minds do not eagerly divide themselves to the extent of transforming this noise of the pairing between societal comparison and identity formation to quicken the pathway towards personal individuation, and in todays times this is more than ever a threat to the masculine principles development, directly harming the sovereignty of choice that leads to healthy governance. A bubble that becomes even larger and closets the self even further when their social influences are equally non-divisional therefore living an equivalent unconscious state of comparison. Becoming the source of non-individuating competition among friends and uniquely, stretching to romantic relationships when its states are determined by comparison over joint social division towards an individuated harmony curated in a romantic relationship that mutually determines growth parameters. In fact arguably, one could say every non-equal dimension between two otherwise compatible partners is by equal measure descriptive of the depth and breadth of unhealthy comparison emergent from the first social contract that now the symbiosis defines over two individuated partners. Todays lack of depth in our society is mirrored in the relationhsips of most demographics, revealing the widespread issue of individual selves and the self they're meant to uniquely find jointly through relationships unethered through the constraints of being defined by unhealthy comparison, with the shallowness of societies architectures unsurprisingly correlated with the short-term nature of relationships, monkey branching from one to the next with shallowly defined ease as illusory 'empowered choice', never realising that this 'choice' is being extrinsically defined right beneath the noise that cloacks it. We require the mirror of our given society to provide the individual who's healthy response to their society is that yes, they're just a "cog in the wheel" as its misguidedly usually stated in the negative, but the reason for this negative is that its derivative of the given society demanding conformity while forgetting that it is merely "the sum of its parts". To the extent that a given society is healthy, it does not demand anything of the individual but instead demands itself to require the mirror of the individual towards growth, built upon a healthy foundation leading to a healthy feedback loop of individuation no different to any other relationship. The reason why this demand works of course is that it contains the hidden premise that any given society is made in the individuals own image, by comparisons within the tribe that are together meant to forge 'collective reason' which is meant to be emblematic of a given society, defining itself through this collective synthesis which leads to genuine reinvention also reflected in the individual on their natural path of metamorphosis, not just the compression of noise which perpetuates maladaptive stagnation and resulting decay. The second mechanism at play here in the deterioration of the masculine principle through this first social contract is where shallowness is made in great supply through the efficiency of production creating boundless choice among equally bad options. Shallowness however that is marketed through techniques designed to leverage the knowledge of our biologies evolutionary engineered reward-systems. This information is used against the individual and a society that is defined more by its commerce than by its art is inevariably going to turn 'individual' into sellable ether and 'home-grown business' into a machine that sells the ether as efficiently as possible as the solution to the loss of the individual via comparative driven purchases from equally shallow sources that become weaker in supply at each iterative cycle towards cultural degeneracy. However what's important to note is that once the individual salvages the return of their soul an interesting transformation emerges.
Once the first contract between self and society which previously threatened the individuals existential growth via boundary obstruction is discovered as the contract violation that it is, threat transforms back into self-knowledge. Self-knowledge of what one is still yet to become no longer through unhealthy comparison but revelation from what their respective society still lacks in its prevailing collective-knowledge and therefore societal image. As the self moves further back into its status as a genuine individual and stronger along its path towards individuation, one that contradicts all mirrors including demographic ties which is a choice by necessity rather than idealism, increased insight on the contract violation combined with sustained maturity leads individual to often redefine its role as someone that helps restore the health of the contract itself. Aka, restoration of the masculine principle back into the individual to carry out its rightful purpose in aiding the design and passage of their respective tribe and or society. Masculine anxiety, gone. Masculine neurosis, gone. Masculine perturbability, gone. Masculine calm, returned. Masculine purpose, returned. Masculine solidarity, returned. And ready to be put back into realities legal clause governing the reasonability of the masculines continued existence following this restoration of its sovereign identity. A sovereign identity which is symbiotic to its relationship with reality, as will be further defined in the third social contract.
As shallow comparison meets the obstruction of meaningful choice and therefore the decay of sovereign will, so too then the obvious path between self and society, and with that, a conscience that often leads to neurosis as expressed in todays modern mental health epidemic. All things being equal, a healthy conscience is the bedrock of a healthy functioning masculine principle as it provides the fuel to the fire of an already aligned and engaged purpose driven existence in as much as the individual is already aligned with its path of individuation. Obstruct the conscience through shallow societal reason and 'the self' will equally misweigh the balance between its wants and needs with the needs of a given societ. Continually informing the self's essence that not only what it wants as programmed by society is out of alignment with its needs but that what society says its needs are totally out of alignment with the intrinsic desires of what the self wants to truly give. The mirror image of socities wants in the western world is that of more commerce, less nature, more problems in relationships as that leads to more isolation which equals more digitized selves and therefore more likes and subscriptions which it also wants, more trauma as that leads to more diagnoses which is also good as that leads to more medications that can be sold, more people on welfare because that leads to more mindlessness which also leads to more internet use and further deterioration of relationships and all for one thing. The accumulation of immature power born out of the mismatch between the conscience of self and the conscience of society. Society has done great damage to its conscience through the recursive lost of individual conscience, and together, they have eroded one another towards the world we are all a collective part of today. The person now born out of the image of society rather than its symbiotic relationship in the growth of its individuality, with little conscience happily erodes another as its societally reinforced via the dichotomy between the objectification of the individual which the persons conscience mirrors combined with the corruption vs the dual objectification of any meaningful security governance within a given society like that of the police force, CIA and FBI. Their erosion, erodes not just the society, but the erosion of the individual that gets injured by the person that's been programmed by the death and decay of their moral structures. Further too then, when the persons programming is influenced by demographics that denounce morality due to the weaknesses in its reason rather than seeing morality that follows a path of evolution equal to the evolution path followed by maturity as opposed to a failure of reasoning itself as many social media influences misguidedly believe and in return, spread in their social following. Thereby making it an even stronger virus that infects the sustenance that protects any mature resolve towards the sanctity of life beyond merely being a philosophical bumper sticker that gets repackaged and re-sold as cheap as culturally possible. Perpetuating the **game theoretic mismatch** between the individuals knowledge of the societal contract and society itself through pedastallised ignorance masquerading as leadership.
Game theory being a very important lens by which many conflict vs cooperative situations between society and the individual can be defined, encompassing too the outgrowth of respective demographics taking a non-reducible part in a game-theoretic feedback loop of systems level growth vs degeneration in that contract en masse. Because demographics create a very interesting juxtaposition between the first contract between self and society, self and conscience. Given how in one instance where there is the decay of a given societies conscience and as examined the conscience of the individual, the negative impacts of this which can often lead to neurosis followed by mental disorder, as made very visible in some cases demographics can often, if not contributive, be a salvation point for the individual where that contract between self and society is at risk to the individuals development. Personal growth groups unsaturated by meaninglessness often occupied by economically biased self-help is an example of this. That said however, just having the space whereby an individual can express themselves as themselves like in therapy groups similar to variations of "12 steps (i.e. alcoholic recovery groups)" can be its own form of healing as the individual begins to mirror itself through smaller tribes rather than a failed societal self-image it weakly compares itself to. Something that is crucial in a given society in as much as there has been an indirectly favoured breakdown and fracturing of the family unit such as in our own, that otherwise, the individual previously relied upon as the strength and backbone of its self-differentiation over the society in which it dwelled in preparation for taking part in the building of societies image rather than being controlled by it. As families have however become increasingly more traumatised by the economic mismatch between tradition and family rituals as simple as turninng Christmas into an economic opportunity, the trauma has followed on the individual as families increasingly fail to learn the tools that govern healthy development of their offspring, furthering the fracturing that not only can lead to relying on demographics that are positive outgrowths but falling into the hands of negative demographics that led to the inherent need for those positive demographics to begin the individual on the path towards the return to him or herself. When the conscience within a society, its prevailing demographics and therefore the majority of individuals is degraded enough, "All is fair in naievty and power" becomes an incredibly haunting game-theoretic differential between those with the knowledge of power and those without.
Well, I still have more to unravel. But time won't allow it. Hopefully will have recovered slightly more by next week. This free-styled journal is a good measurement of progress of said seizure recovery. Attention still fades in and out sometimes, but the solidarity of my sense of identity in the biological sense is mostly restored. Will have a mixture of completing this in the next entry combined with catharsis towards its next outgrowth. Heh, it’s all just imperturbable reps and sets. When aligned, yes. Best regards.
