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Posts posted by JKG

  1. 18/01/20

    woke up in the middle of the night, could fall asleep again, so I was very tired all day

    felt good and productive in the morning, math was a bit more fun

    fresh air and light exercise outside makes me energized


    slightly overstimulated

    became very unproductive, and ate too much, which makes me feel guilty and stuck

    irritated and stressed from my environment

    very tired and lazy


    listened all night to...


  2. 18/01/19

    the morning went okay, was optimistic for the day

    I was a bit annoyed that I made myself breakfast in a study break. I wouldnt have needed breakfast. and it took away some of my study time.

    glad with my day at uni. aced my programming test!

    alive and refreshed after the gym

    happy and at peace on the drive back home

    studied all evening relatively productive. it was more "fun" because I did exercises where you could actually calculate something. not just sitting in front of proofs that I dont understand.

    I almost reached my high study goal of today. very glad about that.

    it was a good, normal day.


    listened all evening to...


  3. 18/01/18

    lazy, couldnt get out of bed

    unproductive, very distracted

    glad I could do some programming work, and not JUST math

    weird, cause I didnt get out of the house today

    energized, hot, weird feeling in my "forhead"

    overwhelmed by all kinds of stimuli

    headach, numb



    I didnt get much done, although I had all day free... time is running away


    some thoughts: whom can I trust? what the hell can I be certain about in this life? how can I know? anything is possible. the need for certainty... I could be hurt so easily so massively through trusting the wrong person. how can I know? its all in my head. It all could be a massive illusion. I want to be certain that I can trust. but I cant. everything is possible. open up to everything. massive joy, or massive pain and depression. ill probably learn from both experiences.


    "Bist du auch so verliebt?
    Meine Lust will, dass es uns ewig gibt
    Und so singt sie ein Lied und noch ein Lied
    Auf, dass es uns ewig gibt


    Klatscht ihr brav im Takt, he?
    Seid ihr vergnügt, he?


    So wunderbar, Spiel und Brot für die Massen ja!


    Lang lebe der Tod!
    Lang, lang, lang, lang lebe der Tod!
    Unser täglich Brot, lang lebe der Tod!
    Lang, lang, lang, lang lebe der Tod!


    Und wie mein Herz vor Liebe fast verglüht
    Schau, wie der Frühling heute blüht!"

  4. 18/01/17

    very very happy, loving, loved

    my body felt very warm throughout the day, almost no cold

    concentrated, exhausted from studying, annoyed from studying

    being completely elsewhere in my head, couldnt focus on what I was doing, but totally excited

    alive, energized


    bored, tired, full


    song of the day...


  5. 18/01/16

    almost hit rock bottom, sorry, almost fucked up everything, what the hell have I done?, stupid, silly, immature person, self-doubts

    relieved, cried

    felt like at the calm after the storm all day

    glad I could do my programming assignment well

    happy, loving, loved, excited

    mentally exhausted, academically stupid, I understand nothing, slight stress and panic about math exam



  6. 18/01/15

    glad that I was slightly more productive today, especially in the morning

    chatting is still a big distraction - but you gotta make compromises. thats frustrating sometimes

    worried, relieved

    astonished how much shit is going on in my head

    very grateful


    glad that I didnt get suck in traffic

    full - too much food for dinner

    glad I am home now and can do something not related to uni

    overall an average okay day


    what I listened to most of my day...


  7. When I was about 12 years old I started to watch YouTube videos in English and it improved my English skills a lot. Now I use almost exclusively English when I am doing stuff on the internet, like consuming personal development content. Always when I am thinking about personal development stuff, I do it in English. When I want to explain some of those concepts in a friend in my mother tonge its much harder. I also like writing in English much more, especially in my journal. It just sounds much nicer than German.

    I guess I feel different when I am thinking in either English or German. My "German self" is very ordinary and less confident. My "English self" on the other hand is rather more developed.

    I only use affirmations in English. It just feels better. I don't know what the effects on the subconscious mind are, but I guess that the affirmations go rather to your English self, when you use affirmations in English.

    I am currently learning Dutch and it will be interesting to see how my "Dutch self" will develop.

  8. Goodbye

    I will be leaving the forum. I feel like I have been sharing here too much private stuff. A private journal is more powerful I guess. Otherwise I don't get that much value from here at the moment.

    I can keep up the contact to the people that I got to know here via other technologies.

    If I feel like I want to join here again, I can do this. But I will use a different name ;)

    I will not directly delete the account, but in about a week.

  9. I haven't meditated for 9 days at all while I was not at home. It was okay. The tics didn't get worse, because I spend no time programming. Just watching useless videos.

    It feels like my mind thinks all day long about the start of uni. And it also feels like I have watched already all of the videos about uni/college. I have watched countless videos like: "What its like to study CS", "What's in my bag for college", "A Day in the life of a college student", "10 Tips for university", "How to get straight As in College"........

    I have been doing some shadow work or inner child work with a good book. I have kind of expected it, but it still was astonishing. I am so fucking similar to my father. I don't just look like the female version of him. I have also adopted many of his beliefs and behaviors. Happily not all of them. Almost all of my negative beliefs stem from him. But I couldn't identify any that came from my mother.
    I will write about this stuff later when I am further in the book.

    My habits are going well. Maybe the vacation was a little booster for it. I now have more commitment.

  10. Finding Friends at Uni

    When I will be at uni I should focus a lot on finding a few friends. At school I had the tendency to head home directly after my classes have finished, although my school friends had a conversation afterwards. At school this behavior was alright. I already had those friends. But if I would do the same thing at uni I might become hard to make friends. I guess I rather should try to keep a conversation with people afterwards for a few minutes.

    I have looked at a lot of material online about the start of uni with a lot of advices... And a lot of them say, that it is easy to find friends at uni because everyone is new there. All of the students are new there, slightly nervous, and want to build friendships with a few people. They will probably act the same way as I will and have the same insecurities. So this is probably the best place for me to practice my social skills and to find new friends.

    I have also heard advice about studying in a "study-group" - a group of friends with whom you do your task sheets or study for exams. This is one point about which I am worried. What if I don't fiend friends and end up there without friends? Then it will be extra hard for me to do well at those tasks and exams if I have to it all by myself. This will probably not happen, but I am still worried about it.

    In January I was at uni for a information event. I was in a little group of people and we had to build a small electronic device by ourselves. I knew nobody there. But I had to share some materials with a guy next to me. I could have tried to make friends with this guy at that point in the past. And I could make friends with people in similar situations in the future.

    In two weeks my pre maths course will begin. And I decided to also join the pre computer science course aswell, just for the sake of meeting people there. In this computer science course I will definitively meet people from my computer science course. And I guess there will be less people than in the maths course. That is a good step into the right direction.

    I also think about going to uni sports activities. I have found out that at my uni are a lot of sports courses that I am interested in. Maybe I will try out something easy in the first semester. Maybe badminton or something like that. When I have to play against some people there I could make friends too.

    But spending more time trying to socialize will also mean that I have less time for my other stuff - like programming, meditating, working out, and other personal development stuff. But there is enough time for that in the future. Firstly my goal should be go build a good base of friends.


    Maybe I should use the SMART method for this goal:

    • Specific: I want to have at least one good friend with whom I can speak well about uni stuff or hobbies. I would like to meet this friend also outside of uni activities. And I want to have a study-group with two or three other people, with whom I can study effectively.
    • Measurable: I can count the friends and can judge the quality of our relationships.
    • Accepted: I am motivated for this goal. I want to build better social skills because I know how hard life can be in certain situations without good social skills. And I don't want to be alone at uni. It will save me a lot of time and effort to have friends there.
    • Reasonable: It is possible for me to realize this goal. It are not to many friends, and in the first semester this should be doable.
    • Time-bound: I want to reach this goal at the end of my first semester. This means at the end of march 2018.

    Steps towards this goal:

    • going to pre courses
    • talking to people after classes
    • going to sports courses
    • taking the initiative for conversations or meetings

  11. I often feel like I just it to be October. Then university actually begins and I don't have to wait anymore. It currently sucks to be at home for most of my days and do the same stuff everyday. This feeling is very similar to the sumer holidays in school. After about 4 weeks of nothing to do I started to miss school, and wanted the two more weeks to be over. But now it are 2 MONTHS. 

    Sometimes I spend a lot of time browsing through the website of my uni. Now I know pretty much my time table for the upcoming semester, and where to register for courses...

    I visited the university library. This is a cool place. I don't quite understand the order of all those books. It took a long time until I found the computer science books. The order makes no sense. But otherwise I like it there. There are so many places where you can study by yourself and everybody is quiet there. And on those tables are sockets and really good internet access.

    At the moment I feel really motivated to ace uni. I am excited to study there, do these hard "homework" assessments, prepare lectures...

  12. 17/08/01

    Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 0



    Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 1



    Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 2



    Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 3



    Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 4



    Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 5

  13. Programming Update

    I can see the end of my long vocabulary trainer project. Well, not the final end, but having a working version of both the client/app and the server/website. The server now has soon all the necessary function and the website looks fine. Its not nearly perfect, but soon usable. At the moment I started to work on synchronizing the data between server and client.

    I became comfortable with Ruby and Rails. Today I looked after a while into my app Java code, and almost forgot a part of the Java syntax. Thats weird.


    University stuff

    I am now almost registered as a university student. Thats cool. I now have a university email address and soon a university card. And an awesome thing about being a student is that you can get free access to great software. I just needed this university email address to get the best programming editors, which usually cost about 600€ for a year.

    In less than a month the pre maths course at university begins. I am happy about that. Finally something different - and getting out of my comfort zone to meet people at university. And in two months the semester begins.

    (I have used the word 'university' quite often :D )


    Normal life

    I feel fine. Not very happy, but also not suffering. Probably in the middle. Kind of emotionally dead?

    I don't have much social contact. Mostly just with my family, and once in a while with my friend. I have not much variety in my life at the moment. Most of the days I am just programming most of the time, and sometimes eating, working out, or reading a bit.

    I am more productive again and have mostly recovered from my lazy phase. But some stuff has sticked.


    New Bad Habits

    I am still going to bed rather late and therefore also waking up late. I like it to be up in the late evening, but not waking up late.

    Another bad habit at the moment is watching totally useless YouTube videos. Totally useless. When I told this my friend a few days ago she had to laugh very very hard. I am seriously watching videos about One Direction - this boy band from the UK. And I waste at least one hour each day with that stuff.

    I thought that I have resolved such low conscious habit, but my ego proved me different. Bad habits try to come back all the time, and my lazy phase opened the door for them...

    I want those habits to go away again, but I try to focus more on my eating habit. I firstly want to get this eating 'problem' out of the way. But I am falling back so often. It kind of takes ages to meet my goal of a 21 days streak.



    My interest in spirituality has dropped. I could see this well when Leo published three weeks ago the 'Understanding Absolute Infinity' video part one. Normally I would  have been excited for a 2 hour long video. It even took me a whole week to finish that video. And I wasn't really attentive while watching it. It was similar with the second part.

    I don't feel good with only meditating 30 minutes each day. For me this is only enough time to relax for a bit and to remove some tension from the tics. In that time I try to do mindfulness meditation or watching my thoughts, but monkey mind is so strong.

    When I meditated more in the last few months I definitively felt more happy. But also a bit more suffering came up too. And at the moment I fell, like I already said, rather emotionally dead. With more spirituality my emotional level is like a sine function with a big amplitude. Now without much spirituality the amplitude dropped down a lot, and not much is going on anymore. The aspect of staying in my comfort zone most of the time is probably contributing to this.

    I can see that if I'd continue like this my life at university would not be so fulfilling. I don't see much beauty in life anymore like I used to two months ago.


    So what?

    I want to get more into spirituality again. I want the amplitude of my sine function to rise again, even if it means suffering. At least something is happening then. I want to get into meditating for at least an hour again. But a hindering factor is that I firstly want to get my eating habit into place. And I am soon on holiday, so finding the time and an undisrupted place will be harder.

    To get this meditation habit sorted out again I will firstly have to each the goal with my lovely eating habit. This should strengthen my commitment to it. But this will be harder on holiday too.

  14. New Long-term Life Strategy

    My goal/strategic intent is it to be able to dedicate most of my life to spirituality and the pursuit of enlightenment. I envision something like living in a small minimalistic flat in the near of nature. I work as a freelance programmer at home for about 4 hours a day. Or a passive income would be nice too.
    Otherwise I have dealt with all of the areas of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I have no big lack in any area.

    I would like to meet this goal a the end of my twenties. Then I still have a lot of time left for spirituality.

    I still want to make some spiritual progress in the mean time. In the next months I want to build up my mindfulness and concentration ability. I have seen so often that I have just "wasted" my time meditating - I tried to get deeper but was just so distracted by monkey mind... So I guess 30 minutes of mindfulness meditation will be fine.

    Each year I would like to deal with one bigger aspect of life with which I struggle. For the rest of this year it will be my fucking eating habit. 2018 maybe finding a new good friend in my near with whom I can speak about everything very honestly. Every year just one major goal. Reaching one goal is better than reaching none of many goals.

    And the next five years will be also dedicated to the mastery of computer science. I will be doing a lot of deliberate practice and building career capital, so that I can "retire" at the end of my twenties.