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Everything posted by JKG

  1. I lately have been asking myself what the meaning of life really is. About two months ago I became interested in Astronomy, reading about the huge universe. We are so tiny, our earth is nothing compared to the sun, our sun is nothing compared to bigger stars, bigger stars are nothing compared to the clusters of stars they are in, clusters of stars are nothing compared to galaxies... And there are so many, many, many galaxies, even clusters of galaxies... We are just on a tiny planet, while there are probably many way more intelligent beings around the universe. Isn't our existence totally irrelevant compared to the gigantic scale of the universe? What could my impact be. My impact on humanity will probably be very insignificant. And the impact of humanity will probably be insignificant to the universe too. If our solar system will absorbed into a black whole, nothing is left from us except from the matter. So I think now that our and my existence is irrelevant. I will have no impact on the universe, and it is unnecessary which impact I will have on my social environment. Since I got this mindset I feel that I became more unhappy. I am not depressed but simply unhappy. This shouldn't be the way I should live my life. I want to be happy. And I found Aristotle’s reasons that being happy is the meaning of life valid. Then I rewatched some other videos from Leo e.g. about the vision for an self-actualized life. These goals he's been talking about seem nice. They could eventually make me happy. But why all this effort? A life purpose could also make me happy, but then I ask myself: what could be my purpose. I don't see a purpose in human life. I am good at maths and physics and love it. I could imagine becoming a physicist but where is the meaning behind that. Isn't it irrelevant to do research when we will have no impact on the universe. I also thought about life purposes like helping people, but these people are irrelevant (I know this sounds bad). To become happy there is also stuff like friendships, being emotionally grounded or of course enlightenment. But as long as I am not enlightened I won't become happy without a direction, a purpose in life. But I generally feel that there is no purpose in life. So my current paradox: Life has no meaning because humanity has no impact on the universe. But the meaning of life is also to become happy. And to become happy I need (as long as I am not enlightened) a purpose in life. But what could this purpose be, if life is meaningless in one way? Is there even a purpose?
  2. 18/01/14 slightly angry and pissed off tired excited, inspired refreshed, creative bored, procrastinating, getting no shit done, no motivation, cant this exam just be over?? I want more free time! loved what the hell am I doing here?? cheerful, funny
  3. 18/01/20 woke up in the middle of the night, could fall asleep again, so I was very tired all day felt good and productive in the morning, math was a bit more fun fresh air and light exercise outside makes me energized happy slightly overstimulated became very unproductive, and ate too much, which makes me feel guilty and stuck irritated and stressed from my environment very tired and lazy listened all night to...
  4. 18/01/19 the morning went okay, was optimistic for the day I was a bit annoyed that I made myself breakfast in a study break. I wouldnt have needed breakfast. and it took away some of my study time. glad with my day at uni. aced my programming test! alive and refreshed after the gym happy and at peace on the drive back home studied all evening relatively productive. it was more "fun" because I did exercises where you could actually calculate something. not just sitting in front of proofs that I dont understand. I almost reached my high study goal of today. very glad about that. it was a good, normal day. listened all evening to...
  5. 18/01/18 lazy, couldnt get out of bed unproductive, very distracted glad I could do some programming work, and not JUST math weird, cause I didnt get out of the house today energized, hot, weird feeling in my "forhead" overwhelmed by all kinds of stimuli headach, numb annoyed uncertainty I didnt get much done, although I had all day free... time is running away some thoughts: whom can I trust? what the hell can I be certain about in this life? how can I know? anything is possible. the need for certainty... I could be hurt so easily so massively through trusting the wrong person. how can I know? its all in my head. It all could be a massive illusion. I want to be certain that I can trust. but I cant. everything is possible. open up to everything. massive joy, or massive pain and depression. ill probably learn from both experiences. "Bist du auch so verliebt? Meine Lust will, dass es uns ewig gibt Und so singt sie ein Lied und noch ein Lied Auf, dass es uns ewig gibt ... Klatscht ihr brav im Takt, he? Seid ihr vergnügt, he? ... So wunderbar, Spiel und Brot für die Massen ja! ... Lang lebe der Tod! Lang, lang, lang, lang lebe der Tod! Unser täglich Brot, lang lebe der Tod! Lang, lang, lang, lang lebe der Tod! ... Und wie mein Herz vor Liebe fast verglüht Schau, wie der Frühling heute blüht!"
  6. 18/01/17 very very happy, loving, loved my body felt very warm throughout the day, almost no cold concentrated, exhausted from studying, annoyed from studying being completely elsewhere in my head, couldnt focus on what I was doing, but totally excited alive, energized hurried bored, tired, full song of the day...
  7. 18/01/16 almost hit rock bottom, sorry, almost fucked up everything, what the hell have I done?, stupid, silly, immature person, self-doubts relieved, cried felt like at the calm after the storm all day glad I could do my programming assignment well happy, loving, loved, excited mentally exhausted, academically stupid, I understand nothing, slight stress and panic about math exam grateful tired
  8. 18/01/15 glad that I was slightly more productive today, especially in the morning chatting is still a big distraction - but you gotta make compromises. thats frustrating sometimes worried, relieved astonished how much shit is going on in my head very grateful bored glad that I didnt get suck in traffic full - too much food for dinner glad I am home now and can do something not related to uni overall an average okay day what I listened to most of my day...
  9. A documentary about chemtrails. Some say it is a conspiracy theory, others claim that it is real and a huge problem. The facts in this documentary are frightening but seem very persuasive. This is my first research about chemtrails to apply some open-mindedness. I know not much more about this phenomenon. I just wanted to share it here because I found no other threat about it here. I hope that it is just a conspiracy theory but right now I fear it is not.
  10. When I was about 12 years old I started to watch YouTube videos in English and it improved my English skills a lot. Now I use almost exclusively English when I am doing stuff on the internet, like consuming personal development content. Always when I am thinking about personal development stuff, I do it in English. When I want to explain some of those concepts in a friend in my mother tonge its much harder. I also like writing in English much more, especially in my journal. It just sounds much nicer than German. I guess I feel different when I am thinking in either English or German. My "German self" is very ordinary and less confident. My "English self" on the other hand is rather more developed. I only use affirmations in English. It just feels better. I don't know what the effects on the subconscious mind are, but I guess that the affirmations go rather to your English self, when you use affirmations in English. I am currently learning Dutch and it will be interesting to see how my "Dutch self" will develop.
  11. Goodbye I will be leaving the forum. I feel like I have been sharing here too much private stuff. A private journal is more powerful I guess. Otherwise I don't get that much value from here at the moment. I can keep up the contact to the people that I got to know here via other technologies. If I feel like I want to join here again, I can do this. But I will use a different name I will not directly delete the account, but in about a week.
  12. I want to start this new journal. I feel like I am at a point in my life where something new starts. I am almost done with high school and will have a lot of free time in the next 4 to 5 months. I want to use this time well. I want to start working on my life purpose - finally. I want to spiritually purify myself. I want to generally self-actualize. And I want to work slowly toward enlightenment. These are my main objectives for the next years. It is hard to set priorities. I would like to just work on enlightenment but I feel like its not the right time for that. There are too many distractions for me at the moment. I will firstly work towards fulfilling all the other aspects of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Then I can work much more efficiently towards enlightenment. I'll elaborate on these points in the near future. Why do I call this journal "The Game Of Life?" This title came to my mind a few days ago. And its probably true. When i have reached enlightenment all the stuff that I have been doing in the past will seem like a game. Life is an illusion. But still I will play that game for a while, to eventually realize that its actually a game. At least right now the game feels pretty real.
  13. I haven't meditated for 9 days at all while I was not at home. It was okay. The tics didn't get worse, because I spend no time programming. Just watching useless videos. It feels like my mind thinks all day long about the start of uni. And it also feels like I have watched already all of the videos about uni/college. I have watched countless videos like: "What its like to study CS", "What's in my bag for college", "A Day in the life of a college student", "10 Tips for university", "How to get straight As in College"........ I have been doing some shadow work or inner child work with a good book. I have kind of expected it, but it still was astonishing. I am so fucking similar to my father. I don't just look like the female version of him. I have also adopted many of his beliefs and behaviors. Happily not all of them. Almost all of my negative beliefs stem from him. But I couldn't identify any that came from my mother. I will write about this stuff later when I am further in the book. My habits are going well. Maybe the vacation was a little booster for it. I now have more commitment.
  14. 17/08/16 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 15 Cold Shower - Streak 5 17/08/17 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 16 Cold Shower - Streak 6 17/08/18 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 17 Cold Shower - Streak 7 It is going good!
  15. I am already having a journal here but I want to make this one separate because it does not fit in with the stuff I write about in my normal journal. And my intuition was telling me this. After applying the pre-mortem technique I discovered that I am having problems with habits. I want to change too much at once and end up changing nothing. So the first thing that I want to tackle is my eating habit. This journal for will for the first months be a food diary. Everyday I will be posting what I am eating each day. Honestly. I don't expect anyone to read this. It will be a boring list of what I ate that day and what I want to improve. It is just to reflect each day my eating pattern.
  16. 17/08/14 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 13 Cold Shower - Streak 3 17/08/15 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 14 Cold Shower - Streak 4
  17. 17/08/11 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 10 17/08/12 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 11 Cold Shower - Streak 1 17/08/13 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 12 Cold Shower - Streak 2
  18. Finding Friends at Uni When I will be at uni I should focus a lot on finding a few friends. At school I had the tendency to head home directly after my classes have finished, although my school friends had a conversation afterwards. At school this behavior was alright. I already had those friends. But if I would do the same thing at uni I might become hard to make friends. I guess I rather should try to keep a conversation with people afterwards for a few minutes. I have looked at a lot of material online about the start of uni with a lot of advices... And a lot of them say, that it is easy to find friends at uni because everyone is new there. All of the students are new there, slightly nervous, and want to build friendships with a few people. They will probably act the same way as I will and have the same insecurities. So this is probably the best place for me to practice my social skills and to find new friends. I have also heard advice about studying in a "study-group" - a group of friends with whom you do your task sheets or study for exams. This is one point about which I am worried. What if I don't fiend friends and end up there without friends? Then it will be extra hard for me to do well at those tasks and exams if I have to it all by myself. This will probably not happen, but I am still worried about it. In January I was at uni for a information event. I was in a little group of people and we had to build a small electronic device by ourselves. I knew nobody there. But I had to share some materials with a guy next to me. I could have tried to make friends with this guy at that point in the past. And I could make friends with people in similar situations in the future. In two weeks my pre maths course will begin. And I decided to also join the pre computer science course aswell, just for the sake of meeting people there. In this computer science course I will definitively meet people from my computer science course. And I guess there will be less people than in the maths course. That is a good step into the right direction. I also think about going to uni sports activities. I have found out that at my uni are a lot of sports courses that I am interested in. Maybe I will try out something easy in the first semester. Maybe badminton or something like that. When I have to play against some people there I could make friends too. But spending more time trying to socialize will also mean that I have less time for my other stuff - like programming, meditating, working out, and other personal development stuff. But there is enough time for that in the future. Firstly my goal should be go build a good base of friends. Maybe I should use the SMART method for this goal: Specific: I want to have at least one good friend with whom I can speak well about uni stuff or hobbies. I would like to meet this friend also outside of uni activities. And I want to have a study-group with two or three other people, with whom I can study effectively. Measurable: I can count the friends and can judge the quality of our relationships. Accepted: I am motivated for this goal. I want to build better social skills because I know how hard life can be in certain situations without good social skills. And I don't want to be alone at uni. It will save me a lot of time and effort to have friends there. Reasonable: It is possible for me to realize this goal. It are not to many friends, and in the first semester this should be doable. Time-bound: I want to reach this goal at the end of my first semester. This means at the end of march 2018. Steps towards this goal: going to pre courses talking to people after classes going to sports courses taking the initiative for conversations or meetings
  19. 17/08/07 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 6 17/08/08 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 7 17/08/09 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 8 17/08/10 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 9
  20. I am so addicted to stimulation. Eating. Programming. YouTube. Easy entertainment. Music. Internet. Meditating on the other hand is so boring. When I am meditating I am desiring any kind of distraction. And I feel lonely. "Happily" am I away from home from tomorrow on. My addictions will get satisfied.
  21. I often feel like I just it to be October. Then university actually begins and I don't have to wait anymore. It currently sucks to be at home for most of my days and do the same stuff everyday. This feeling is very similar to the sumer holidays in school. After about 4 weeks of nothing to do I started to miss school, and wanted the two more weeks to be over. But now it are 2 MONTHS. Sometimes I spend a lot of time browsing through the website of my uni. Now I know pretty much my time table for the upcoming semester, and where to register for courses... I visited the university library. This is a cool place. I don't quite understand the order of all those books. It took a long time until I found the computer science books. The order makes no sense. But otherwise I like it there. There are so many places where you can study by yourself and everybody is quiet there. And on those tables are sockets and really good internet access. At the moment I feel really motivated to ace uni. I am excited to study there, do these hard "homework" assessments, prepare lectures...
  22. 17/08/01 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 0 17/08/02 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 1 17/08/03 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 2 17/08/04 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 3 17/08/05 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 4 17/08/06 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 5
  23. 17/07/29 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 0 17/07/30 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 1 17/07/31 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 2
  24. 17/07/27 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 0 17/07/28 Eating no unnecessary snacks - Streak 1