Howtolive

Hey guys, Down below I summarised my thoughts about casual sex and why I belive its full of "shit". I am interested in getting feedback on my line of thought. Maybe I am to radical ? Maybe I am overseeing something here? Maybe I have wrong premisses? Happy to hear from you ! I often hear women say that they need a sense of connection and safety before engaging in sex, even if it’s “just sex.” Very often (unless people meet in a nightclub), it’s obvious that women need some form of a “mini relationship” before participating in short-term sex. Even on dating platforms, you can clearly see that many women want to be seen for their personality first and then sex may happen. From my own experience, and from conversations with many other men, I’ve realized that there is a big game of self-deception going on. Men who have “game” and know their way around women will make a woman feel good, respected, and emotionally seen. Sometimes they even create the feeling of a mini relationship. All of this sends the signal: “I care about you as a human being not just about sex.” But the uncomfortable truth I’ve discovered is this: Many men don’t actually care. They will do almost anything to get sex, including pretending to like a woman more than they do. I would even argue that many men don’t truly respect women they have casual sex with, because on some level they know the woman is believing a story that isn’t fully real. If a man genuinely respects, likes, and finds a woman attractive, he will usually consider a relationship with her. There are exceptions, for example, if he has just come out of a long-term relationship, but overall, this pattern holds true. If a man only sleeps with a woman for sex, it often indicates one of the following: • He does not find her attractive enough for a relationship • He does not like her personality • Or both In some cases, men even date women they are afraid to be seen with in public. That’s why they might suggest secluded walks instead of going for a drink at a local bar. This is especially common because it’s hard for many men to get very attractive women for casual sex, those women usually have many options. So men often “date down” (in terms of looks) when it comes to casual sex. If men were brutally honest about casual sex, it would sound more like this: • “I don’t find you attractive enough for a serious relationship, but I’d still like to have sex with you. Are you in?” • “I don’t like your personality or your views on life. I wouldn’t spend time with you if you didn’t have a body I want. Are you down for sex?” • “I don’t find you attractive, I don’t want to be seen with you, and I don’t like your personality, but you’re available. Let’s have sex.” In all these cases, it’s clear that the man is on a hunting trip, not meeting another human being as an equal. Male sexuality is deeply instinctual when it comes to reproduction. Often, it’s less about connection and more about conquest. Because of this, it becomes very difficult for a woman to be truly seen for who she is when a man is in “hunting mode.” At the same time, many men experience an inner conflict: They want easy access to sex, yet they also find it subtly repulsive to get that access without investment or genuine respect (even if they are not consciously aware of this). That’s why I’ve come to believe that casual sex is often not what it appears to be. For men, it’s rarely just a “fun activity.” It’s often a deeply instinctual hunt, about power, validation, and domination more than about human connection. Even if a man appears submissive in the bedroom, the underlying dynamic is still one of pursuit and conquest. Because of this, I believe it’s healthier for both genders to engage in meaningful, honest sexual connections rather than shallow interactions built on half-truths and unspoken intentions. What do you think?

It's because you did not see having a relationship with those girls from the start I guess ? Friends with benefits is basically the friend zone for females

I also agree. Can you explain what you mean by : overinflates how much we have actually done that. ?

Maybe that’s explains why nearly all cultures tried to regulate casual sex. Back then the affects were much bigger of course without the pill and condom. Yes I agree with the male instincts and that’s why I think it is based on a like, even going so far that if woman could listen to our thoughts, they would not engage in casual sex with us.

Did they not care with the woman they slept with or the ones the wanted to have a relationship with ? The issue usually does not arrise if the men was promiscuous.

thats a good point. Woman can have all the casual sex they want and men , too. But I belive each gender had to live with the consequences of their actions. I would also argue that the hurtful/distrust feeling men get when hearing the spouse had lots of men before them is deeply rooted in biology. So in a way casual sex for woman usually less appriciated by males who seriously want to date.

Man , you framed it better then I could myself. Thanks !! yeah that’s it

It's more that I guess that most men are not really honest to themselves or the woman. Most males around me have the same sexual aggression I describe

Exactly it's how you carry yourself. The instinct I just that, an instinct. But I belive every man has this instinct. If there is an instinct in man that can go as far as rape, I would say it's a good idea for male sexuality to integrate that instinct into meaningful relationships. I would say in casual sex this instinct is way more destructive than people realise.

For exmaple at the end of second world war countless Russian men raped a lot of German woman. There is a beast inside of men when it comes to sexuality which is very primal an raw and which can lead men into rape. Thats why I say this is not just a playful instinct for men. It's very primal and has a lot to do with dominance. If not integrated correctly can become very destructive. I actaully see it as the men always being the dominant act during sex, even though it is a submissive position the man is in. If the man is able to give his seed it's automatically a win by nature. And his DNA able to reproduce. His instinct stays the same. Lots of male mammals need to fight other males in order to get excess.

I agree with you. I am talking about the instinct though. Human is more then that of course. probably back in stonage, things looked different. And casual sex is the opposite of a loving relationship. So I argue -> closer to stonage

I wrote you a dm .:) Basically I belive that sex is viewed differently by the sexes. I think for most men it’s not just play, it goes much deeper into the psyche. maybe seeing sex as play is the cultural programming here ? Just a thought to be thrown into the mix. If both sides were completly honest about the situation. I belive both have not much honor/character when engaging in it. In a relationship when the woman made the desicion to submit to you, because you really care for her. It’s an exclusive very valuable act from the woman. The men respects it a lot. if the sex has been given to many men before him, who did not really care about the woman(maybe even disrespected her), the submission has less value. I think I don’t respect the woman, who let me have sex with them, even though I do not care at all about them emotionally. Very hardcore opinion now hope that doesn’t hit the forums rules or something… I belive if men would have not been socialized the way we are right now. We would basically have an instinct to „rape“ woman. I belive this is how strong the sexual instinct in men is, if we were to be completly honest. thanks for taking it good !

Probably true. Doesnt change it for me though. Feels more like deep down they now its shit but they overlook it to have sex. Which is exactly my point. Not a good idea. why dont you state them ? this is what the forum is for, no ?

I am curious: The girls you hook up with, that are down for something casual. Would you ever think about having a relationship with them?

what I am trying to say is that when looking at my sexual instinct only: Why do I like sex so much ? What turns me on when having sex with a promiscuous girl? Its the fact that I "use her" , "Own here" (in that moment), And this gets boosted a lot whith girls who are there for casual sex (the aggressive side of the instinct/ the animal in me is getting pushed to the surface). When having sex with a girl I am also romantically invested in. The instinct is still there, but this time less boosted. It's more a form of bonding, protecting, leading her, being proud that she submitted to me in a sexual act. I am willing to give a lot when a woman submits like that to me. So this is my conflict-> Causual sex brings the dark side of my instincts to the surface. During sex its a Raw dominating act which turns me on, maybe even seeing the girl as less ( its not my view but what the instinct turns on). I like having this easy excess and at the same time cant really respect the girl for bringing this dark side to the surface. She willingly taks the risk of being seen as less. At least for many men "less" in the sense of not relationship worthy. Myabe that explains it ? To answr your question: I actively looked for woman that are easy for sex in the past on dating apps and that worked. But I never respected them for doing it. And also now not respecting myself for it. Because for me it's based on a lie. And turning a relationship girl into a hookup was never a thrill, would always feel like shit if I did that. But of course just being able to get a girl to sleep with you is, In my experince, a big ego push for a man. It's like nature telling me I did a good job. And I "owned" that woman for a moment. Might sound super wrong but I belive if man were really honest about there sexuality... it looks like that. Thats why I also thing casual sex is not about "fun" for men. Drinking beers with friends is fun. Having sex is pure act of winning/dominating.

I get where you are pointing at overall. If I look deeply in myself I dont respect getting sex without needing to show that I would take care of her, admire her for her etc... So its not like I expect sex without effort, ist quite the opposite. And the topic regarding honesty. My point is probably that it feels wrong to me. To let someone else enter your body, especially by someone that get turned on by "using" and objectifying without them caring for the person at all. Thats a huge difference to selling a product.

I dont see how that connects to my statement ?

Very nice insights, now we talking haha. I have made a lot of these experiences myself and talked about them to other men. So we are on the same page. I would just ask you to go one step deeper. Maybe you had the experience that doing that with a gir that is particularly "sluttly" and promiscuous is sometimes feeling even better. It's like when you use tinder and you are looking for a hookup. You directly search for the girls who are looking for "nothing serious". And with the experience I had it was an extra turn on, to know that she is doing the naughty stuff with me, because she is already in that category in my head. Because I would not take a girl as a girlfriend that openly on tinder says: just here to get fu*ed. So to be precise: The turn on happens because she lets me do all that stuff WITHOUT me having to invest anything more then that. No relationship, no emotional support, no me proving that it's good for her to surrender her body to me. It feels very good because to us men its like a "glitch" in the matrix. But on the other hand, even though I want the easy excess to sex, It feels like the woman is doing a move that is not really in her best interest. She is getting projected as a sexual object without it being integrated into something higher. It's not coming from church for me. Its feels like a natural instinct that does not understand why woman would give themselves to lusting men, how few them in a low light (thats basically what male sexuality does when getting free excess). I will text you a dm

I See where you are pointing at. And I thought so, too for a longer time. There is just something about male sexuality which is very destructive I think. If I look deeply in my self it turns me on to "use" a girl and when that usage marks her or degrades her in a way. Thats purly instinctual though. I know it's very hard to talk about, but to me it feels like devaluing a woman when this instinct is not properly integrated into loving relationship. Do you know what I am talking about or is it to far off or only my personal projection? I also think because I am aware of this mechanisim in myself, it always feels a bit sad if woman just open up for casual fun to guys. Not knowing what going on in the guys head.

I agree on a personal level. Things automatically start shifting in the direction you mention. Still there is the ethical / meta view trying to understand causal sex and if I want to participate in it and if it is generally useful for others to participate in it. So far my view is: Its not useful for both genders. It seems like you got a little stuck on me comparing men and woman. for the sake of my argument it does matter.

I think if a man is really honest most woman wouldn't have casual sex with him. Thats why I belive its almost always based on a lie

and a nother question: would a woman really sleep with a man if she knew that : "- he does not care about me, does not find me attractive for a relationship, I am just the one female that gives him excess, thats why he is interested" A lot of woman told me that they can start something casual with a guy and later they will see if it fits for a relationship. But mostly the man knows already in the beginning that a relationship will never happen. One reason is because she is not exclusive already. So maybe woman do sleep fast with men, but in their mind are still open for a possible relationship, while this is often not happening from the mens side.

Very interesting what you say about dropping the concepts and still coming to the same conclusion... I get your point with black and white thinking about men and woman... for me personally I have a higher libido, I see a nice woman on the street and my brain tells me to get her laid. I dont know if it is that strong in woman. A man has close to zero risk engaging in sex a woman does. So isn't there a natural mechanisim in woman which should be there to ensure here that here sexual encounter is not to costly for here?

thanks for your view! So far my experience was that it's harder for females to just purly for sex. A man his this hunter mode, he is purly driven by instinct and visuals. He can leave directly after the sex without caring. I have never heard or seen this in woman. I often also hear the term that woman need to trust the man and feel secure to let go and enjoy sex, how is that working when the man really doesnt give a "shit"? But maybe my perception is wrong here and woman are more raw then I might belive.

Hey guys, First of all I am very grateful for all Leo has done. It has helped me immense. I really like that he maps „the way“ so smooth. There is just something that feels a little off when I sometimes see comments here in the forum. And probably also sometimes an undertone in his videos. For a very wise person, I would start seeing them to become less opinionated. Maybe more opinionated when it comes to morales etc. To me it seems like there are a lot of topics where we can’t have a 100% certainty, and that’s okey. But I find Leo to be very strong sided in a lot of these topics were we just don’t know or are still learning. some examples: -Leo’s view on IQ and IQ tests and its possible relevance -no fap -whole covid vaccination process -His general vibes expecially with the „epistemology“ It seems like intelligence is a very detrimental factor to a persons life especially when it’s more in the lower side. For Leo IQ test are just a bunch of crap. He seems to redeculize the idea of no fap and does not go really deep in explanation. Just saying you nbeed to control it like any other drug. With the whole covid vaccine debate he refers to the study that points out that it’s safer to be vaxxed and catch it then the other way around. That’s it, topic closed.Even if that’s true, there is no talk about how immoral group pressure was strategically used. How it would persevere spreading but later we know it did not etc etc. It surprises me to see that he does not look at some topics from different perspectives, instead he starts to get rather absolut. To me that doesn’t seem right for a rather wise person to act like. I know Leo is also just a human, too. interested in your views on this.