Cheese

@Schizophonia Had Alchohol most of my life. What took me down really fast is when i start taking opiates (mostly codeine + oxy). Then benzos, fortunately i did not take benzos long enough to experience abstinence before i went to rehab. The opiate withdrawal was real hell, had to ask for help and i was in denial of that problem, only blamed alchohol for everything. I guess i get addicted to anything that is emotionaly numbing, even watching tv-shows many hours in a row.

I worked with autistic people. People that were able to have an apartment but needed some help few hours a day. I loved it, their life was so simple, no much worries or larger problems. However, when they faced difficulty like: manipulation from others, losing weight or quitting alchohol use. They faced that difficulty with 10 times the severity than what a normal person would go through. Then it was easy and fast for some to find a partner, they do not have much expectation from their partner like we have.

Today's self reflection: At rehab they reminded me to give myself a pat on the back when I done something good for myself. I didn't recognize its importance at the time and self-praise wasn't anything I ever done either. I found out that I have need for approval from others and when someone criticize me I would think of it for many days. I am tired to be overly good to others and even more tired to have criticism stay with me for so long. I got then an insight that I could give myself the praise I need, for the things I do truly value. Like praise myself for enjoying nature's beauty. At that moment I felt the pain being touched with the smoothness of self-love. The pain didn't disappear but reduced a little. Many times I drank this pain away or used painkillers. I used to do much for others but never got any appreciation back. So now I got myself to appreciate for the good I do, I do not need to rely on others or use toxic substances to numb it down. I hope this practice of self-love stays with me and becomes a spontaneous throughout life.

@LittoDitto Yo, thanks for the response! I was on several times on therapy during my life but it didnt help. The problem was that i was not open and vulnerable to talk about difficult issues with a therapist. It took me 2 years to acknowledge that I had suicidal thoughts and as fearful as i was, I could only tell that to my therapist when I was high on opiate painkillers. It was difficult and alot of emotional pain due to trauma. So I understand to some degree how it must feel for you.

Todays reminder: i am doing this recovery for MYSELF. It is important that I do not do this for others in mind. Not for my relatives, my workplace/boss, for my sponsor/meeting center, for society, for my meditation group to but just for myself. Not to gain respect from work, get attention or praise from anyone, be accepted by a group or feeling good that I do my duty but only for the wellbeing of myself. I have done this misstake in trying to stay sober for anyone else's sake but my own. I have even heard other addicts quitting for the sake of other people besides themselves and failing on their journey, apparently it is a common misstake so I am not alone.

@Sugarcoat that feedback got me cheesed

I regret eating to much cheese. So I literally became what I ate.

What is stopping you from asking for help? Isolation is just going to prolong your recovery. You mentioned suicidal thoughts on a previous topic, have they vanished? Good that you are making progress, keep persisting at helping/healing yourself.

At that age i had a quarter of life crisis. Had to go through it to mature and be an adult, schools over and the parties likewise. Had to feel the regrets of things that i did not accomplish, accept it and move on to adulthood.

Nice! My proccess of thinking : 1.God created beings and objects. 2.Beings and objects are emanated from spirit. 3.Beings and objects are aspects of the absolute reality itself. I am probably still stuck in the spirituality bottle, i do not know much of this couscioussness thinking, but fun to be creative.

I had a fear of hell a long time ago. I learned things that changed my belief and thus my fear. I was open to the Bible has been subjected to wrongful interpretation and mistranslation. The idea of hell is actually living on earth as a human, we are practically in hell now. Only here we can be burned, tortured and experience famine etc. As we are in a human body, we can experience all the pain possible described in this "hell". As we die, we are not material anymore, we are the opposite, a soul. A soul cannot be burned, tortured and be effected by famine. As material phenomenon cannot have an effect on the soul, cause its non-material. This is how the idea of hell was misinterpreted imow. Not only do I not fear hell anymore, I do not believe it even exists.

ACT (Acceptance and commitment therapy) can help. It helps you stay focused on the present moment and accept thoughts and feelings without judgment. Example: Sometimes when i have a specific person in my mind inwhich i react negatively, i do The Work excercise by Byron Katie called "judge your neibhour" worksheet: https://thework.com/instruction-the-work-byron-katie/