Infinite Tsukuyomi

@cjoseph90 You'll love this book then I returned it in six days, reading a few chapters per day. It is 300-315 pages or so. It can definitely be read in just 2 or 3 days.

Best to have a few tools in your arsenal for sure.

@AJBrew Lots of time, I don't get a breakthrough in any work including meditation unless I give away what it is that I want. During your meditation try surrendering any images and sensations of love and compassion that come up. Notice them, let them have some space in your mind and body and before the thoughts go away, visualize yourself handing it over. I find that in the coming days, I am more authentic in daily life. The more authentic I am, the more I can try to embody Truth and this leads me to accept life the way it is more. That's what I see as Love manifest. You could give this a try and see if it works for you

Yes I have had a couple profound breakthroughs in my baseline consciousness during all my work. The first, allowed me to keep an almost constant state of how you feel on low doses of mushrooms. In this way, I recognize (even now) that even my own hands as I see them are appear within consciousness. I see how each movement (such as cars driving and making turns, people walking, tripping on a rock, sneezing, water gently swirling inside of a plastic bottle) as absolutely perfect and True. After a 7 day meditation retreat, I am constantly aware of the orchestration of life's play, the cosmic joke. When standing in the kitchen with friends and family, I can appreciate that they are held within consciousness, and engage in the game with them. Play and joke around, all while understanding the truth that is right in front of 'us'. I totally agree with you that accessing new states, especially when they become apart of your baseline and not just temporary are exhilarating. One of the benefits of this work considering all the suffering, boredom and confusion that can come with it, when you go at it hard.

I promised in my 5-MeO post that I would eventually talk about my trips that happened before that. This is the report of my first breakthrough ever which was on 6g of magic mushrooms. I did this trip in the forest on a rainy day (I figured that not many people would come out there in the weather and I was right). This was 7 months prior to 5-MeO. To get a feel of what dosage would be good, I had done 2g trip indoors a couple weeks prior but didn't experience anything significant enough to mention. I also meditated inside my car for 1 hour before consuming the shrooms. A humming bird kept pecking at my window while trying to do so. In this report, I will talk about the themes and insights. I was on an empty stomach, and about 10-12 hours fasted but brought food with me in a cooler to have afterwards. Skip to 1st Awakening section if you want to get to the main course here. Body Awareness It took about an hour before I started to notice a body load come on. I remember just walking about enjoying nature in the woods. Then I started to walk towards a nearby road. Just as I exited the trees, I had an rapid re-contexualization, here I noticed that I was like a spirit that had a body. In this state, I had perfect posture, perfect stride and what felt like true confidence, true authenticity. It sort of felt like I was in a video game playing myself. I enjoyed the fuck out of just walking, so I walked up the road for awhile. I came across a bridge and got the urge to run, being in my body felt amazing, so I ran. It felt like I could run forever, while running a wisdom came over me, that said not to stress the body too much, so I lowered my pace and eventually returned to walking. Emotions I had some direct exposure to the nature of some emotions. Eventually a guy did show up on the road, younger than me and walking his dog. I debated whether to say anything due to my pupils beings enlarged. I was noticing, the pull of sexual attraction. I also noticed my making decisions in real time, it went through logic (having a conversation while tripping), emotions (will I regret not talking to him?), reasoning (between logic and emotion). I compromised and decided to talk briefly and continue walking, conversation went great and the dog was very friendly and felt nice to pet. I had dark sunglasses/shades to hide my enlarged pupils. Even though I decided not to ask him out it did give me chance to experience regret as he continued on. It was then I noticed, how there are so many choices at any given moment. Toward the end of the trip, I came across a lake and came up to the edge of the water (shallow water). Across the water was another bank, and just below it I could see the splashing of large fish. As a fisherman myself, I starting connecting dots rapidly about what was going on. I knew the carved out holes under the bank were likely home to large catfish and that carp were probably trying to get in to eat catfish eggs and were being driven out by the catfish themselves. Then, it occurs to me that the bank is the same on the side of the lake that I'm standing on. Sure enough I look down and see just massive fins sticking out the water, which startled me and I took a few steps back. Large carp were right beneath me the entire time. This gave me a close up internal look at my own fear. I stayed there for awhile and contemplated reaching in. Here I realized that approaching and handling fears has to be handled case by case, sometimes jumping right in and other times slowly moving toward them. The unknown as a fear itself became evident, I've caught probably a thousand fish and some larger than the ones I saw. The element of surprise, the unknown was more evident to me. (I'll post a picture of me with a large catfish I caught in the past.) Contemplation After finishing up my analysis of my own sense of fear and fear itself, I sat down and started to think about a job I was starting in two weeks. I would be in a leadership role again. So I began to contemplate how I wanted to lead this time as opposed to in the past. I was extremely successful in my previous role but wanted to be more holistic. I wanted to see how much Love and creativity I could bring into my work. Here I realized how much I enjoyed being a leader and I also realized that leadership was my zone of excellence but perhaps not my zone of genius. (I had read The Big Leap the previous month). I may write about how things actually went in another post. 1st Awakening During the peak, I had made it near where my car was parked, and decided to walk past it to go in the opposite direction. As I got closer, I couldn't believe me eyes, for the first time I saw my car as simply an appearance, a prop. Then I got closer, and a thought floated through my awareness "what exactly is awakeni. . ." Then in an instant I was swept over by a profound state of awareness, where I recognized that I was on stage. It didn't know whether to laugh to cry. It felt like I had just woken up from sleep. I saw a sign post near my car, and this is where I noticed that life is a play. I laughed and laughed and even started clapping, as I acknowledged that I had been fooled. I turned around, then I had a direct experience of what I called at the time Glory. I could not see glory, but I knew what it was. "This is what glory is", I said out loud. I entered the forest again, now on the other side of where my car was. Still at the peak, I stopped and enjoyed each tree. I saw a bench and headed towards it to sit down, as I was overwhelmed with what I was experiencing (in a good way). Just before I arrived at the bench, I looked to the left and about lost my shit completely. What I was seeing was trees behind a different bench, and the lake behind the trees. But what I recognized was a moment in time, a moment that I had personally created, and I remembered without a shadow of a doubt having done so. My mouth was wide open, "I don't believe it", yet it was absolutely True. I quickly got to the bench and proceeded to laugh and simply be for about 10-15 minutes. Post Trip I stayed in the forest all day until all effects wore off. I did have a significant headache for a couple hours after as well. I felt the ego start to reform but not completely back to it's old self. I had tapped into gold on this day. I was also very excited to continue my own consciousness work and doubled down in the months to come meditating and so forth.

Both of those of are lower case l/love and lower case t/truth. Songs about l/love are normally about human romantic love. L/Love, God's Love is horrifying and amazing and would easily be dismissed as not Love by almost everyone if people sang about it. People sing about the things that are also included in L/Love such as pain, suffering and confusion but they are not recognizing that as love but as something less than that. Choirs and gospels think they are singing about T/Truth but are actually singing about t/truth. They are singing to a 'separate' God.

Exactly, sanity is taken for granted because no one has insanity to contrast it with. The saving move is the realization that the illusion of free will and everything else that you deconstructed works fine even as an illusion. Your mind will re-stabilize in the coming days and weeks most likely. Continuing to get on here and chat with everyone will help as well.

A few months ago it actually occurred to me that there was not much music about Truth. I only realized because I had the contrast of having come from a Christian background and remembering all the songs about Yahweh and Jesus growing up. Since I'm not a singer I didn't pursue doing so myself, but such music could be an intro to Truth and get people to have some insights. I dread the "what kind of music do you like?" question in meeting new people because it's mostly instrumental. Of course, one would have to care about Truth to begin with to sing about it.

Beautiful MotherEve. This is a monumental breakthrough that will lead you to who you really are. The sudden immense vulnerability that is the fear of death is frightening yet awe inspiring. Don't worry too much about whether your descriptions make sense, others that have had these experiences will be able to tell.

Now with mindfulness, inquiry and psychedelics (including 5-MeO) my consciousness is radically different than when I was atheist. My atheistic stage of understanding just threw the baby out with the bath water. Religion crazy = God doesn't exist, a strange conclusion The depth to which I was unconscious of God/Absolute Truth was abysmal. My desire for Truth pushed me through Christianity, atheism, then materialism, then ontological mathematics and finally my 'self'. Looking back, I realize how religion was just the first clue. It's very easy to get stuck at this stage since questioning God is out of the question in Christianity. The step that atheist don't take, that I eventually did, was consider that there could be a God but that religion is simply wrong about God is. This allowed me to make the leap from materialism finally to the adjacent higher perspective. The saving move for me was to aim for Truth (since the word 'God' is corrupted by religion) A story/symbol about Truth (religion) >>> abject unconscious denial of truth (atheism) >>> pseudo-truth (materialism) >>> conceptual truth (ontology, theory, embrace of paradox, ideas, fantasies) >>> Truth

As a gay man, I have told my straight male friends to show more dick print on there. Looks like someone does, and it works well. It simultaneously has a rebellious air to it, which I think works well.

@Elton My advice as someone who has been having a wild ego backlash, and dealing with #2, #3, #5 somewhat, #10 and #11 is to do completely random things each day for a couple hours. They can be stuff you always wanted to do, or just whatever. The work is just acknowledging how you want it go, then deciding ahead of time to accept however it ends up going. Here’s how that looked for me this morning: I promised myself I would wake up and film myself doing whatever at a lake about 30 minutes from where I am. I was planning to voice over the clips at a later time for youtube. Anyway, I didn’t want to when I got up, I was no longer motivated by the idea I didn’t think it would turn out good, it would be cold outside (25 degrees), it’s a waste of gas and so on. So I decided that it didn’t matter if it turned out good, or if I enjoyed it. I just needed to follow through with what I said, so self trust. I ended up finding a heavy log from a tree in the woods, and just did a few sets of military press and curls with it on camera. The rest of the time I just got footage of nature and of myself, sitting, thinking, walking etc. Try something like this, plan something today and expect to not want to follow through tomorrow. The idea is that you can build momentum arbitrarily and bypass your subconscious. The less the activity means, or the less you care about it the better. When you’re down the subconscious mind wants meaning but isn’t finding it, switching to a meaningless momentum mindset can do wonders. Repeat daily, perhaps even 21 days of this.

Well, since contemplation is something we picked out of reality as something that exists, it too must collapse at the end. My answer to your question is <%100. Contemplation can help you realize an unknown percentage of reality, but what is known is that it too will collapse when you completely realize.

Everyone is suggesting that you are creating your own emotional interpretation of your awakening. You just aren't aware of how you're doing it, that's what really makes it frustrating, let me explain. The ego operates almost entirely unconsciously. *The feelings of not being able to enjoy human life is coming from the subconscious/unconscious mind as an ego in the dualistic hallucination. The ego is good at taking Truth and attempting at interpretations of it. I realized a few days ago, that I also have been having a hell of an ego backlash (5 MEO 30 days ago). I had many moments of "what's the point". A few more days of enduring my own suffering made me realize that these feelings are a result of the ego's sense-making and meaning-making, taking place in the background (subconscious) of my mind. You and I have an attachment to meaning. I've been using an idea from Gay Hendricks called a body map, it may not be his original idea though. Anyway, I can locate where meaning exists in the body, for me its right in the middle of my body just under the rib cage on my torso. Energy arises in this area at the same time as loneliness/solipsism etc. Our work is to dissolve it (or live with it). Of course letting it go is that last thing we want Interestingly, what is this post? Just more meaning making! *My answer to your question is that the loneliness is ego.

I had my first 5-Meo-DMT trip three days ago and just got back to my computer. I made a 60 hour round trip in order to do so. I could have flew by plane, but wanted to have the contemplation time before and after, and driving helps me do so very well. Pre Trip I fasted for about 30hrs prior to the start of the trip, to avoid vomiting and crapping. I went for a long walk at the beach and a nearby park before heading back home. A bit of Kriya Yoga and meditation a couple hours before the facilitator arrived. The Trip Itself Firstly, I had a facilitator who was accompanied by a musician. The three of us set up a safe space on the floor: a mattress, and pillows surrounding the mattress. We adjusted to a dim lighting in the room and then I got to know them both a bit. They each have done 5-Meo before. I explained my previous substances and trips which were in this order over last year: 2g psilocybin (first time to test), 6g psilocybin (breakthrough)[life is a play], 6g psilocybin [no self], 7.6g psilocybin [mostly me rolling around], 6g psilocybin [nothing for hours, then mild low dose effects], 1.2g psilocybin [interesting message] , NN DMT (a few hits from a pen, I was doing it wrong), NN DMT (5 deep hits from a pen)[unforgettable visuals, landscape altering]. Then we collaborated on dosage, I told her that it takes me medium-high doses to breakthrough from everything I've tried so far. She determined that I would do 60mg. I then requested it be split, so we did 20mg then 40mg. We used Toad 5-Meo. The ceremony took place in this order: A prayer A meditation or contemplation on my death Another prayer A few minutes to evaluate and reaffirm to myself my intentions 20mg hit, where they both laid me back gently to see what would happen. There were no visuals that I could make out, before I closed my eyes. It felt like I was at my own funeral, my body was very relaxed. To me it seemed that my body surrendered and died almost willy-nilly. This did not phase me at all, as "I" was still there aware of it. I remember her calling my name, she asked how I was feeling and I said "Good". She asked if I wanted more and I quickly said yes. I sat up, opened my eyes and began to take the rest of the 5-Meo. At this point, the music was going. They laid me back down, by the time my head hit the pillow, I was blasted clean into infinity. I was undergoing what I'll call a rapid unraveling or infinite self-inquiry. I realize for the first time, what it was that I was actually seeking and asking for in inquiry and meditation. There was no conceivable way I would ever get here with those methods, I thought. In other words, it got really fucking real, really quick. The music is now synched perfectly with my experience, "I'm really going to die". I realized that I had broken my brain, I had broken reality and I was simultaneously horrified yet hungry for a resolution. I reached a point of UTTER INSANITY. At that point, I went back and forth closing and opening my eyes. I looked at the ceiling, then to the left at the musician whose music is the symphony of my annihilation, then to the right at the facilitator who smiled endlessly, then back closed. I felt that I was going away and that I wasn't coming back, the longer I endured, the Truer and Truer it became. "What the hell am I?" "How can it be this big?" "Holy Shit!". I sat up rapidly, and began to rub my face down to my thighs repeatedly. I smiled A LOT and laughed a lot and I completely lost my mind. Then I laid back one final time, endured longer then cracked under the insanity. I said "I think I've had enough". I don't actually remember the facilitator doing anything when I said that, but I know I stopped 'going away' at some point. They offered me rapé, which I declined. She asked if I wanted to discuss anything and I declined that as well, I simply didn't possess the vocabulary to express myself and I felt at the time that I didn't want to 'taint the experience'. I continued to alternate between the body wiping, Wows, laying down and sitting up. They allowed me to be still and silent for awhile. Eventually they began to interact a bit, she gave me some post trip advice such as: integration, journaling, waiting on other psychedelics for 30 days, eating, hydration etc. I felt the my ego start to reform slowly, it was at that time I realized just how persistent it was. I had failed to let the experience consume me completely, as it seemed it would never resolve or rather more truly, I couldn't take more insanity. In the minutes and hours following the trip, I KNEW that I had to do it again, as I felt I didn't go 'all the way' or 'far enough'. These thoughts were a recurring theme, interspersed with awe, wonder, fear etc. As intense as it was, I couldn't abandon God realization until I've fully realized it. That's it for the report. I may remember other details if you ask me specific questions. What's next for me? First of all, 5-Meo DMT is the ultimate tool. It's the no BS method, and there's an instant recognition of this. Now that I've tried it, it has made the manual techniques (meditation, self-inquiry) seem like a joke. Although I also had moments where I felt like they could produce or perhaps NOW they could. If I can get something set up logistically, I would like to use 5-Meo DMT until I can breakthrough. I have reserves of both psilocybin and NN DMT and will follow up with small doses in a month or so. Some takeaways from Martin Ball combined with some takeaways from various Leo teachings I will implement are: Symmetry, surrender (do nothing work), more honestly and authentic self-expression.

Before I discovered actualized.org, spirituality or consciousness work I was always curious about the origin of reality. While talking to my ex-boyfriend one night, he asked me "Why are you so obsessed with God?", I was atheist at the time but I liked to talk about it. I always had a desire for Truth ever since I first asked my mother "why do we die?", "are you going to die?", "am I going to die?". Combine that with a later discovery that I was gay (and grew up with Christianity) and you have a nice Truth seeking starter pack. I can't remember how I answered my ex's question, but I do remember telling him this random insight I had the day prior. Which was this: "You know what, I was thinking yesterday that if you met God . . okay, imagine this, let's say God's real. He walks into this room right now, I bet we would instantly dissolve." I further explained that this being would be so powerful that even it's Love would be too much to handle. I don't recall thinking my way to this idea, it just sort of landed on me. I had a very dualistic idea of God, it hadn't dawned on me at the time that I could be God. The indoctrination and fear of death led to my child like curiosity which eventually led me here in a very non-linear way. And of course while writing this, I think "who are you writing to?" lol. Gay Hendricks in Conscious Living says "Don't settle for easy answers to the mystery" Albert Einstein said "Never lose a holy curiosity"

As long as you keep making more videos, expanding on the stages in future videos etc you should be good. I personally like seeing people's intros, so I would say to make one of those, helps associate your channel with whatever quality you end up putting out.

She only spoke before administration and then good while after I came back down. I thought the prayers were interesting but I went with it. Okay, that's one of his videos I haven't seen yet. I'll check it out. As far a meditation goes, sometimes I think the ego likes a drawn out process.

I've seen so many of Leo's videos and many of them multiple times over to extract more out of them, apply at different times etc. I have not yet watched this one. Next time I'm sitting down to study I'll put this one at the top of the list.

I like how she sees dancing. I saw Leo's original post about it as well. Martin Ball also mentioned in one of his interviews that he prefers dance like no one is watching even over sitting meditation. This is something just as of yesterday, I've decided to incorporate.

Awesome, mine will also be happening for the first time in about a week. I wish us both a profound awakening to our true nature.

True, I've found contemplating death to do the same. While the thoughts that come up about are scary, it does help restore that background mystery to this thing. Amazing.

This is a cool dream, perhaps a dream journal if you don't already keep one. It's fun trying to find meaning in dreams but since they come from unconscious mind, the unconscious mind probably knows its meanings.

So last night, I was headed to a friend's house and stared driving over there. My car's bluetooth picked up my music where it left off which was a binaural beat youtube video that said it was good for ADHD. I was listening to it earlier in the day while doing some other work. Two hours prior I did NN DMT, 3 decent hits from a vape pen thing, the experience lasted 10 minutes or so, as it normally does. Immediately after, I sat upright, cross legged for open eyed meditation. Strong determination style, allowing itches, the pain in my knees from being cross legged etc. During this time, it felt like the right thing to do to treat my thoughts as if they were coming from a little kid, I would give them an inner smile. I meditated for about 1/2 an hour then started getting ready for my drive. Getting ready took me another hour and a half or so. Now back to the drive. At some point during the drive a sudden sense of having lost complete control came up. My car had gone from being driven by me, to me being pulled along by the car!. Each traffic signal, every car, every person on the sidewalks, the moon, the night . . perfect and uncaused and impersonal. The acceleration of the engine, each transmission shift, the decisions to change lanes, all of it perfect. The movements of the body (and the frightening realization that it was vulnerable and could die at any time), the thoughts that came in, teary eyes and now a racing heartbeat. "What the fuck?" "Everything is moving by itself" "Am I gonna die? (did I say that?)" "Am I driving or . ." Were among some of the thoughts that came up. It felt like I was being pulled along by something I couldn't see, and that it had been pulling me forever. The absurd idea that his house was a "house" when I pulled up. The 16 minute drive was wilder than the NN DMT trip I had a week earlier or anything from just a couple hours prior. It's been on my mind all day today, and honestly even after writing this I'm not quite sure that I've explained what I actually experienced. I didn't want to wait too long to mention this as I'm still processing it as we speak.

Thank you Leo, I will aim for that range.