Metanoia

Why do you need exactly $23K? You can at least start working towards getting that kind of money by getting a job. I would not worry too much about LinkedIn, nor would I worry about which university to put on your CV if you have not even attended university yet. You most likely live somewhere that has businesses looking to hire in your area. Physically go out and look for a job. If you legitimately have as few qualifications as this thread makes it seem, then look for jobs which require little to no qualifications. Just do not assume you will make the $23K “fast”. On the bright side: you will make the $23K quicker than you would have, had you chosen to undertake a bachelors instead of getting a job today. Also: how are you sustaining yourself currently?

Bit of a shorter update for today, not too too much to report on. I have done essentially everything I set out to do today: all meals consumed, been to the gym, no scrolling on instagram/facebook, went to uni and worked on some problem questions. I finished making flash cards on Quizlet, after which I did some problem questions for the unit I had caught up on. It is all a lot clearer now. However: I am noticing a dip in my efficiency/workload. I did not start catching up on another unit either. The fire that I felt in the beginning is starting to fade. I was getting distracted and lost focus a little bit easier than yesterday. I anticipated this though. Will keep pushing. As per usual I plan on meditating and stretching before bed, might have a cup of tea between then and now, how knows. I woke up today with a sore throat and it has been bothering me all day. Hopefully I am not going to get any worse. I also started having thoughts of lust today. I usually have those daily, but ever since my first post on Sunday they kind of disappeared. Now that I think about it, today might actually be the first "difficult" day I have had so far. Not difficult in the sense that I was at any point struggling, but there was a bit of resistance at times. Today was just uncomfortable enough to be noticeable, and just uncomfortable enough to have an effect on my output. Funny thing is, when I began writing the first sentence, I genuinely had not thought about how my output had been affected by these elements. I had kind of forgotten those points throughout the day when they effected me. This only goes to show how reflecting upon your day can alter your perspective. I will keep the intro the same though, I like the thought of someone reading this and realizing what I just realized at the exact points when I realized. If that makes any sense at all. Nonetheless I will thrive in the face of adversity. Maybe tomorrow will be 10x worse than today, who knows? Now that I have become aware of my situation I will act appropriately. I will be here updating all of you on how I managed to make it regardless of my circumstances.

Today was a good day. I got up around 08:30, attended my lecture at 10am and actually felt like I was understanding what the lecturer was talking about throughout the entire 1hr 45min lecture. You know that feeling when you are listening to the lecturer speak and looking at the power point wondering, "what is going on right now?". That usually happens to me at least one or two times throughout a lecture, but not this time. It felt great. Afterwards one of my friends started talking about how he did not understand x thing the lecturer taught us, and I managed to explain it to him without even thinking about it. After my lecture I went to study with my uni friends, but eventually realized that we were not being productive. We usually open the relevant material on our laptops, read a line or two and then chit chat and lose track of time. Once I realized, I pictured myself having to write the following in this thread: "Today started out well. I woke up on time, went to my lectures, but ended up wasting too much time chit chatting with my uni friends after the lecture that I neither did any work, nor had time to workout/that I had to choose if I wanted to spend my time catching up on uni work or go to the gym." That really set things into perspective, so I went to work by myself in the silent study area, and by 4pm I had fully caught up on one of my units. I feel like my understanding of the unit is still a bit shabby, but at least I have laid the foundation. The next step for this unit is to make flash cards out of my notes (there are some definitions and formulas that just do not come intuitively to me), and work on more difficult problem questions. The making of flash cards definitively will not take too long, which is good since I have got to start catching up on another unit tomorrow as well. I am feeling optimistic. Just like yesterday, I have done essentially everything I planned. I am having my last meal after writing this, then I will stretch, meditate and go to bed. Oh and also: I have got a date next Tuesday! Super excited. Wish me luck.

Day three has been pretty great. I slept like a baby after meditating and stretching last night. This morning I slept in an hour past my alarm, which was alright actually since I did not have anything to attend this morning. I have spent most of my day at uni, managed to catch up on a few lectures and done some problem questions as well. I intend on making Quizlet flash cards for each unit I am taking once I am fully caught up, and using them to refresh my memory once or twice a week just to make sure the material from week A stays fresh even during week K. I have been to the gym today as well. After coming home from uni to eat and relax for about an hour/hour and a half, I packed my gym bag and went back to uni to study for another hour or so before going to the gym. Luckily my university has a gym which closes at 11. I even ended my workout with 10 minutes on the elliptical and I never do cardio! I also ate all 5 meals as well. So far the only things I have not done are medicating and stretching, my scheduled bedtime is in about 15 minutes so I am going to do that now. Tomorrow I have lectures starting at 10am, so I will actually be up at 08:30 this time. It is a bit odd that waking up early is so much easier once you have something you need to do, as opposed to something you want to do. Either way, I am not complaining. I realize this might all be a sudden surge of motivation and that in the future (perhaps tomorrow), performing to this level will not be as easy as it was today. I am hoping that might not be the case, but I know that hope is unrealistic. Things will get harder and my motivation will fade eventually, that is inevitable- all I can do is prepare for that day to come. In the meantime I will utilize the time I have with this motivation as best as I possibly can. I read this quote the other day and thought it was inspiring (although friends I have shared it with found the quote depressing), thought I would share it with all of you. Hopefully someone here draws the same inspiration from it as I did: "Unfortunately, the clock is ticking, the hours are going by. The past increases, the future recedes. Possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting." -Haruki Murakami.

Last night I did not go to bed on time and therefore overslept - luckily it is Sunday. It is currently 19:47 as I write this and thus far I have: been to uni for a few hours (not as productive as I had hoped, but it is a start), had 4/5 meals and been on a walk. I have obviously done other things but none that are relevant to my goals. I intend on stretching and meditating before bed, so those two will be checked off as well. (EDIT: Also, I deleted Instagram.) I have learned that doing problem questions is more difficult than I had first imagined. Additionally, for some incredibly irritating reason, the books mainly write at great length about the history and theory of whatever we're learning at one given week, and the worksheets mainly consist of mathematical problems which, at least to my knowledge, are not covered in the books. Obviously this is because the person that makes the worksheets is not the author of the textbook - but it would be nice if the lecturer actually read the textbook as well so that they could tailor the worksheets to the assigned reading. Honestly if there is such a discrepancy between the contents of the assigned reading and what the worksheets (and in turn the exams) require of us, then I do not really see the point of reading the textbooks at all. Additionally, I have been mentally obsessing over this "friend" of mine. We used to live together a few years back, and have kept in touch through a group chat with other friends. Last summer we had planned a group vacation together, and after only a few days I realised that I do not really like that person very much at all. I think the only reason I thought I liked him before going on that vacation was because I had forgotten how it was like to live with him. He's a know-it-all-type, always has to be right, always has to argue about everything. At times he even started arguing with himself: he would make a statement, the group with kind of ignore him because they all knew where it was leading, he would take that as them disagreeing with him (even though nobody said much of anything at all), and then he'll start debating. Weird. The reason he has been stuck in my head recently is because I felt like he would always pick on me. Not pick on me in the literal sense, but whenever we would start arguing - even if the argument we were having would be one which the answer is purely up to personal interpretation/subjective experience - he would eventually being to make fun of my intelligence. He would call me stupid, say I am all brawn and no brains, or make some face or gesture etc. It has really been bothering me, I am struggling to stop thinking about those comments. I hate that I did not stand up for myself more. I would try to reason with him, or simply just not engage, but I believe thats just how he is. If you do not agree with him or do not engage him he will take that as an invitation to "do more". There are plenty of other reasons why I don't necessarily like him, but those are neither here nor there. This aspect of him in particular has been bothering me, and I am glad the only contact I have with him is through that group chat. I have, however, decided that if by some "miracle" I end up on a vacation with him again he will not be treating me like that.