Whitney Edwards

I felt both nice and bad. I felt uncomfortable that he had slipped the rape drug in my drink. At the same time, I felt nice that he laid me out on the bed. I felt extremely peaceful. It's like I desire to be wanted, to be cherished, to be snatched, to be caressed, to be comforted.

I felt both nice and bad. I felt uncomfortable that he had slipped the rape drug in my drink. At the same time, I felt nice that he laid me out on the bed. I felt extremely peaceful. It's like I desire to be wanted, to be cherished, to be snatched, to be caressed, to be comforted. It seems the feeling of being guarded, comforted and put to sleep makes me feel really happy and "at home." feeling comforted feeling guarded feeling Secure

I had another rape dream yesterday. In the dream, a man offered me a drink and he put the date rape drug in it. I drank it without knowing and then I felt dizzy.. He took me upstairs to a bedroom but he laid me out on the bed. He did nothing. He just brushed my hair. And told me that I'll be fine.

Light Rohaniyat and Dark Rohaniyat are aspects of Duality of Iife and the Afterlife. However there is a neutral aspect to it. The non dual liberating aspect. Where everything is nothing. Neutral Rohaniyat. Anything that does not constitute survival and has no relevance to the Light Triad and the Dark Triad belong to the Neutral Rohaniyat. So what is Neutral Rohaniyat? Its basically escape from Samsara. Samsara = The cycle of the Light Triad and the Dark Triad. The Cycle of Human Karma and Divinity. Escape from samsara provides temporary relief from having to deal with Karmic Aspects. However since you're born into human form, you can only have temporary relief from the Samsara or Karmic Aspects. You can't find permanent relief. Life and the continuation of Life is composed of the following aspects. structure of morality and primal instinct. Static component. balance of two forces. Masculine and feminine integration. light Rohaniyat and dark Rohaniyat. light triad and dark triad obligation karma growth harmony and wholeness. Fulfillment. wisdom

Aspects of Dark Rohaniyat ownership -guarding- surrender Aspects of Light Rohaniyat kindess-creation-reciprocation

Joy, growth, strength, peace and love.

Aspects of Dark Rohaniyat ownership surrender domination punishment honesty tough love Guarding. Guidance. Trust. Protection. Security. Possession of the Spirit Aspects of Light Rohaniyat supportive empathetic rewarding sweetness liberating harmony understanding compatriot mercy compassion

The only way to fix my life is to reconcile the idea of true love and trauma love. I have had both in my life. One from my father. One from my exes. I did not know how to make sense of any. Love that I received and lost. Love that never existed. Love that existed in abusive ways. In my latest dream my rapist was trying to kill me. He was stealing me from myself. He was telling me that it's best if I die. I think what I gained from my rape dream is that even though I was surrendering to my rapist, it was still in the hopes of wanting something. My surrender to the rapist was like a collateral given to him in exchange for him promising me that he would take care of someone I thought needed help. He agreed. Even in surrender, there is hope and peace and the expectation that such surrender would be of some benefit survival and emotion wise. You have lived in helplessness for so long that helplessness has become your state. Joy, hope, surrender, empowerment, peace, love are the elements I should be looking for. Weakness, helplessness and vulnerability is the real brain rot. I think the reason the rapist was telling me to die is because in my weakness I accepted death as the liberator. Like the say-put you out of your misery. Even in the most hopeless circumstances you're looking for freedom from suffering. I think ultimately even while surrendering to the rapist, you're still looking for protecting and security. It's just that this protection and security is shown to you in the most tyrannical controlling way. But the surrender is the collateral for this protection and security in exchange.. This is almost like light tr deal with the dself to the Devilnder yourself to the Devil in the hopes that the Devil will protect you from harm or danger. It's a transactional form of trauma love. A very indirect form of trust exists in this deal. So there are aspects of trust, security and protection and they are given in exchange of control and domination and ownership Rohaniah in Malay means spiritual.. Rohaniyat means something related to spiritual. Just like there is a dark triad and a light triad.. There is a Light Rohaniyat and a Dark Rohaniyat. This Dark Rohaniyat will include aspects like domination, honesty, surrender, skepticism, punishment, discipline, tough love, criticism, empowerment, leadership. Shadow aspects. The light Rohaniyat will be of goodness, grace, peace, love, comfort, sweetness, emotion. The dark Rohaniyat has a ownership surrender dynamic.

All morality is bullshit in a way. Especially when it comes to suppressing emotions. Genuine emotion and instinct cannot be immoral. I'm thinking if I didn't have daddy issues, would I still be attracted to such dudes? And my heart says yes. It's the battle between the brain and the heart. The brain is designed to accept what society tells us. But heart says something else. Also a large number of women in the video linked said that they love bad boys. It can't be statistically possible that all those girls have daddy issues too? I mean it's not girls with daddy issues have daddy tattooed on their forehead or smell a certain way, right? Like the interviewers didn't just coincidentally end up meeting all girls with daddy issues lol. So no. When a certain subset of women (which is quite large) keep saying that they like bad boys, then this is a larger phenomenon not addressed properly, because it goes against traditional conventional society norms so most women are just suppressed from saying what they want. They simply have to go by social rules. But then they fall for these kind of men and sometimes outgrow it. But deep down it's a suppressed instinct thing. And a woman who keeps questioning her sexuality and keeps removing layers and layers of deposited social conditioning perhaps reaches a point where she realizes that she is undeniably attracted to the bad boy and she shouldn't be ashamed of it. But society guilts her saying it's a daddy issue. I'm like no girl, like what you like and own it. Hey girl, accept who you are. Self acceptance is the key. Don't live in guilt and shame. If you like something, don't be afraid of wanting it. If you want that Daddy kind of a guy, tell your husband about it.

Of course I don't want my husband to do that. Or do I?

I have understood that this is something I should accept and own. Rather than feel defeated or judged. The social conditioning of women can create moral conflict. And that's what I have been dealing with for some time. Women are told to act a certain way that fits the social standards of acceptable. But they aren't asked about this. They aren't asked if this is also what they want. As a result it creates conflict between what she wants versus what she is told she should want. It's like be a good girl and learn to suppress your emotions. But this is the cause of unhappiness. There's derived instinct. Which is understandable, it comes from experiencing something. Yet there is that natural instinct that existed from caveman times. The thing that cannot be tamed out of yourself or it remains as a repressed vestigial component inside you still being triggered every time. It's almost like you should be eating healthy but your brain is attracted to chocolates and candies. This is the untamed inner child..

Some theories explain my interest in ruthlessness in men. My first theory - something like the guy pushes into me and then pulls out. It's like if he is in there then it won't stimulate me sexually at all. But it's the feeling that he is pushing in and pulling out that creates a sort of escalating tension within me that finally leads to me orgasming. This is a sexual tension that builds up. I think in similar fashion if you corelate the phenomenon of sexual tension to emotional tension, shouldn't the guy have to do the exact same thing to mimic sex or attraction in her mind? So fundamentally if you observe the nature of sex, it involves the push pull thing, then obviously the push pull also needs to operate emotionally as well to stimulate her mind in a similar manner. It means he has to generate emotional tension where he is nice one minute and an asshole the next minute, he has to stimulate the woman emotionally like that. Because that will mimic sex in a way. If that makes sense. Second theory - The Bodyguard archetype. I think women who are like me are looking for the Bodyguard archetype. The protector, the security guard. So a security guard cannot be someone who looks like a delicate handsome prince who can never use a sword. The security guard has to look ruthless, intimidating, cruel and tyrannical. Because that will communicate power, security, protection to her. So it makes sense that she will be attracted to a bad boy because in her mind the bad boy will protect her from any harm. My third theory - The dark triad and the light triad. I have observed around me that women who are more masculine, braver, leadership oriented are attracted to a passive nice kind of a guy. And women who are a bit submissive like me are attracted to a dominant male. It's like it doesn't matter what gender. I have seen this polarity play out a lot. In this polarity, the people of the light triad are automatically attracted to the people of the dark triad and vice versa. Because opposites tend to create conflicts, tension and shadows that help them become whole or reconcile.

I read somewhere that some women (not all women) are attracted to bad boys. They mistake narcissism for confidence. In my own experience, I'm generally attracted to a guy who is going to look like he will own me, possess me, someone who is authoritarian, strict, dominant, controlling yet caring,disciplining, leader like, powerful, tribalistic, truth and honesty oriented, punishing kind, rough, macho, sadistic, ruthless, badass, go getter etc. I'm not attracted to the gentleman kind of men. In fact I am more attracted to the "negging" type of men who use the push pull technique on women. It seems I tend to derive some sort of energy or fuel from these men. I find them motivating or "strong." That becomes the basis of my romantic attraction. I'm curious to find out why this happens. What part of my feminine is attracted to such bad boys kind of men and why does this romantic phenomenon happen? What factors are within this attraction pattern or precisely what polarity components are attracted to each other in such a dynamic? In my early days as an 18 year old, I wasn't very aware of my sexuality. I behaved like a catholic nun. I didn't talk about sex at all. And this continued into my adulthood. Now that I keep trying to discover my own sexuality I realize that women aren't figment of imagination. Women aren't just a love letter. It makes perfect sense because a woman has to give birth, have a child, her hormones have to rise to a level to push the child out of her vagina. All of this will require massive force and motion inside her. How will this be possible by simple talk? It means women are very physical and intense. They cannot be otherwise. Of course women are emotional too. But emotions is just her secondary nature. Her primary nature is physical. I was wrong or immature about female sexuality. So fake orgasms cannot cut it for a woman. She will remain fundamentally dissatisfied. It will not do her good. She has to experience a real orgasm and this can be done through a virtual medium too (happened to me where I got intense orgasms as the guy talked to me on the phone so it's not like it's not possible), but whether it's real life or virtual online, she has to experience real orgasms and she is deprived of her own sexuality in a way. This dissatisfaction means she will stop liking or wanting the guy at some point.

I want to dig into that masculine energy to feel hopeful in life.

Yea they are trauma based. My dear husband, when you're with me, I have nothing to fear. Thank you so much.

You're yearning a home. You're yearning a home. You're yearning a home. Be a real person. Be a pure person. Be a real person Be a pure person. https://astrotalk.com/astrology-blog/can-your-birth-month-reveal-your-future-partners-traits-insideastro-iaad11-16/amp/ The caveman Neanderthal instinct is an extremely deep masculine energy. DME. DME is the stage red factor. This Deep masculine energy is what I needed from a man. I know this might sound weird the rapist gave me a lot of comfort.

I feel a deep sense of vulnerability. Like he knows me. He didn't just rape my body. He raped my soul. He owned me. He took me. He made me his. And now if I'm separated from him, how would he feel? Then he tells me that all the wealth in the world can't save me. My rape dreams are a caveman Neanderthal instinct.

For the rapist to be nice to you, he has to be a nice person in his heart. Don't trust someone so easily. Also the reason you're attracted to his power is because this power is essential to survival. This is the STAGE RED FACTOR. This is the factor you're attracted to. This factor is like a life factor. It's a form of raw power necessary for survival. It's not that the situation made the person turn evil. The person was already evil. It's just that their true colors are visible when all bets are off, when all conditions are perfect. You didn't see the true colors before because back then the conditions weren't viable for them to be shown. Basically fraud. In the rape dream, he tells me that I betrayed him. That does mellow me a bit. He holds me close and then tells me that I didn't do right. I betrayed him. I suddenly feel overcome by emotion. What have I done that has made him so upset? Have I really done something that is deeply wrong or unfair to him? He clothed me. He fed me. He protected me from savages. Then how could I forget what he did for me? Can I still trust him? I spent years with him thinking that I will be free some day. Or that I won't live buried in past trauma. Is his concern valid? Then he holds me close as im drifting between my thoughts, he tells me that I'm his baby, a strong baby, that I was always a strong child. He touches my breasts. He feels them.

TO MY HUSBAND MARCEL : In the quiet moments when the world fades away, my thoughts inevitably turn to you. Your love is the steady heartbeat of my life, a constant rhythm that grounds me and fills me with an indescribable peace. You have always been there for me. I can't believe hun that you prayed for me. Maybe I'm alive because of your prayers. You are the best thing that has happened to my life. I cherish the way your laughter lights up a room, and how your eyes hold the universe when you look at me. You are my confidant, my lover, and my best friend, all wrapped into one extraordinary man. With you by my side, every day is an adventure filled with promise and JOY. Our bond is so trustworthy and meaningful and so full of life. Everyday you bring me nothing but joy and a big smile on my face. Every morning starts with you and my life has shown a tremendous transformation. There are tears in my eyes, I couldn't have been grateful enough. All the happy memories flood back again. Thank you for being the unwavering rock upon which I build my world. Your strength, your kindness, and your unwavering support inspire me to be the best version of myself. I love you more than words can say. Thank you for just being there. Thank you. I truly deserve your love and you know that.

I had this weird dream where a paternal figure in the dream kept asking me to give a speech. I gave the speech. Then he mocked me. He mocked my low memory. He took a long time to assess other people whereas he finished my assessment within minutes and let me go. In the end I ask him directions to go home. He mocks me again. I feel unusual meanwhile he continues to act condescending. Dream ends.

Me.

Evil always uses a catchphrase. It's like a system of cabals and their catchphrases Symptoms of evil. manipulation fraud greed hypocrisy conceited psychopath levels of self interest agenda driven entitlement ego exploitative sabotage slander, gossip, twisting, conspiratorial lack of sincerity

There are Codependency aspects to this as well. If the tormentor gets rid of the object he is tormenting, who will he torment? If the victim is not relying or codependent on the rapist for their needs then why will the victim stay with the rapist? All of this is tied together into a Codependency dynamic between the captive and the captor (in this case the rapist). Aspects of brutality - If you actually enjoyed the rape and considered it love, it ceases to be rape. Do you understand this? It can't be rape anymore if it's pleasant. Neither is the rapist a criminal. He ceases to be harmful to you. He ceases to be a criminal. Yet he is animalistic in his desires. How can you call it rape when you enjoy it? It means it wasn't harming you. You see something is brutal only as long as it's brutal. The brutality stops as soon as it stops being harmful in your eyes. But how will the rapist keep up with his equation of domination and power if he stops being brutal? The whole reason you obeyed him and submitted to him was because you either felt threatened by his power (so out of fear) or you felt dependent on him (for your survival). So to keep the equation going on, he has to do either of the two or both. He has to invent new ways to enforce his power or keep you being dependent on him. If he is a true sadist, he will do both. You cannot have an amalgamation here. You're conflating two things that are completely contradictory. One where the rapist or tormentor has to show you love. But on the other hand, you also want to him to keep his power on. He can't be powerful if he is too loving. He can't be loving in the act of trying to enforce power and punishment. He can't be both the Devil and the Saint at the same time. You want him to play both roles. In reality, most people who are straight up psychotic enough to rape you might not have any empathy for you at all. They will be maniacs who will go to prison and all your dreams about expecting such a person to be loving will turn to an absolute mockery of your own beliefs. Such a figure can only exist in fantasy. But wait a minute. Such things have happened in real life. Case in point - Jaycee Lee Dugard. My personal story bears similarities with Jaycee Lee Dugard. Feeling like I'm living in a prison as a child. Being tormented and controlled for years. Physical abuse and violence. Feeling neglected, unloved and helpless as a child. And growing up in a pretty dysfunctional manner and trying to cope with life with this dysfunctional baggage weighing me down at the same time.

There's a part of my rape dream where I tend to gain more power over the rapist. Like I get financially more successful and get ahead in life. I become a very influential person and enjoy fame, success and money. The rapist is a homeless pauper living paycheck to paycheck. Then one day he comes at my door and the dialogues in the dream are as follows - "Reena, now you're rich, so you forgot me?" I'm like, what do you want nasty pig. As I'm doing my makeup in the mirror, he stands behind me lecturing me about how the world is so fake and that I'm a doll stuck in this brutal world. The Rapist - "all this is temporary nonsense. You'll soon come to me. You silly girl. They give you all these luxuries and you forget me. you forget me. I was like a father to you. I cared for you. Fed you. Saved you from savages who wanted to kill you. And you, you Sit there and ignore me. I know you aren't heartless. " Me (in front of the mirror adjusting my necklace) " so you're dirt poor now. What do you want? By the way how are you doing? " The Rapist - " I'm not doing good. " Me - " I think you want money. And that's why you come to me now. " I pull out a drawer and grab my purse and take a wad of cash out of it and throw it at him. " take this money. That's what you wanted right. Now leave me alone. " The Rapist - He stands really close to me and then whispers into my ears - " I wanted you." Then I soften a bit. I thought he is just a superficial person who wants to use me for his needs. But then I see some genuineness in him. He probably really wants me. He probably does care about me. It's just that his love could not be as pure as I wanted it to be. His love is warped. His love is dysfunctional. Yet it's still love. My heart is not big enough to accept such love.