itsnutsandbolts

You could try DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) which may utilise a skills-based approach. This is an oversimplification, but essentially you learn Mindfulness techniques, skills around Distress Tolerance, Emotion Regulation and Interpersonal Effectiveness. You do not necessarily have to 'open up' to a therapist if you are not comfortable doing so. The research has suggested DBT can be helpful for individuals with BPD. Also Dr Marsha Linehan, the person who developed DBT, has BPD herself too.

So true. @ShardMare are you avoiding taking action as well/procrastinating? Philosophising and theorising can be useful but only if paired with subsequent action (which is often 10x more gruelling), otherwise it's just thoughts in your head.

Mutiny in progress (Part 1). Hah, so I did the thing. I went to the last page on the Journals forum and gradually clicked forward until I found my old journal (and my old account - I still can’t tell if it is defunct, but I assume not). I figured, why not? I am off work this week. I am thoroughly shit infected with the rona. I barely have the energy to shove dirty laundry into the machine that does all the work for me. If I had pets, they would have died from neglect. Thankfully, partner is a fully functional independent being. I have nothing better to do, basically. So I found my old sad journal, and the first entry made me laugh because it started out with ‘I’m not sure what I’m doing here.’ I guess some things don’t change. Lots of other things have changed though. I had laid out a brief outline of what I wanted to focus on in that old journal, so I thought it’ll be fun to do a 5-years-down-the-road review of what’s gone on since. A mini reflection I suppose. Here goes. *As I started writing this, I realised it’s impossible to cover all the bits I had outlined initially all at once, simply because so much has changed (and because I'm long winded). So I think I’ll do this in parts, one topic at a time. Part I: My final year studying abroad My final year studying abroad was trash. I was on the verge of failing uni. I was in a relationship that should have never started - the only relationship I regret to this day. My closest (and in some ways, only) friendship at that time was falling apart. And as usual there was petty (and not so petty) bullshit drama from family. I was very, very depressed with plenty of suicidal ideation. I will admit I had a hand in all the toxicity surrounding me. More than a hand. At times I was stirring the drama pot, even to my own detriment. Nevertheless I managed to graduate with a 2:1 (sorry, non-Brits, I don’t know how else to explain this to you, but basically it’s a decent-ish grade). I will never be able to explain to anyone how this was remotely possible. At that time, I was told I wasn’t good enough because it wasn’t a 1st. Today, I’m just grateful and low-key amazed that past me was able to achieve that, given all the petty human bullshit I swam in. That year, I also ended my relationship with then-boyfriend. That was messy. I did it terribly. I asked for a break and some space, which he refused. I told him I cheated, he said it’s fine and we'll move past it. I finally ended it over text with some bullshit we-can-still-be-friends rhetoric that ended pretty quick when he asked if we could be friends with benefits. Lol. Hindsight is always perfect, but a better way of ending it would be through a phone call explaining that the relationship was over and I did not want to be with him anymore. When pressed for a reason, I would have said the following: - I no longer like you. - I dislike the choices you make when you feel jealous and needy (i.e. sulking, hounding & pressuring me into spending time with you). - I don’t want to be with someone who sexually assaulted me with stealthing, disrespected me several times and who gave me a pregnancy scare. Of course, if I had that level of boundary setting and communication skills back then, I wouldn’t be neck deep in petty human bullshit soup. What else happened that year? My closest friend and I repaired our friendship briefly that summer. It never returned to what it was, and we are no longer friends today. I went back to my home country and spent the next few months doing music before I eventually got a full time job. I no longer write or play music today, but this appears more circumstantial than anything else. It’s still something I hold dear to me, and something I will return to in the future. And when I do, it will be a healthy pursuit of a craft I love, not a desperate ploy to escape feelings and thoughts that used to torment me. I also met current partner that year, although we did not start a relationship till the following year. I eventually started swimming my way out of petty human bullshit and lost a lot of friends. I think that generally happens when you quietly and unassumingly remove yourself from PHB. Experts on narcissism will call it ‘grey-rocking’. I call it slinking out the back door. So yeah, my final year was a drama clusterfuck of a dumpster fire. Since then, I have worked a few different jobs and volunteered in various capacities. I also returned to the UK to go to grad school (only a masters degree, I’m not a doctor of any kind…yet). I graduated with a Distinction - a grade that I attribute primarily to three factors: a) a safe, secure and supportive environment (external) b) a desire for growth and openness to learning (internal) c) a mindset shift - prioritising process over outcome (internal) I’m now working and training in a job I could barely even dream of 5 years ago. My dream role. I have a partner with whom I share similar values and every day we choose to invest in our relationship and nurture it. I worked very hard to overcome and manage symptoms of depression and what now appears to be cPTSD. It is a journey, and an ongoing work in progress that included putting myself into therapy last year. So yeah, I think I’ve come a long way since that final year of uni in 2017. It actually makes me really hopeful, seeing how I have evolved over the last 5 years. Past me would have never dreamt of the life I live now. Past me thought I would be dead by now. In some ways, 5 years feels like a really short time, but also like a lifetime. And I think I'm really excited because there could be so much further to go. And however far, is to some extent, up to me. There are still bad days of course, but generally it's really not a bad life at all.

Thank you for sharing this, this was really heartwarming to read. A lot of what you said really resonates with me. I don't think the old parts of you have to die or be gone necessarily, it sounds like they are evolving. You're not alone too.

It's been well researched, there are loads of papers you can look up on google scholar. This paper looks at qualitative data on the impact of bipolar disorder https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1365-2850.2011.01786.x CROWE et al. (2012).pdf It references impact of symptoms more than the actual symptoms themselves but gives you a pretty good idea of what the lived experience is like. Or if you're purely after symptoms, look up the DSM-V.

Exposure and habituation. Do it in a safe manner please, don't actually expose yourself to risk of being hit by lightning.

IFS, meditation, and all the things in my Covid-addled head. I feel like I am making some progress with IFS. A few nights ago, amidst a Covid-intoxicated haze, I had an actual conversation with several parts that I found to be very illuminating. I also finally discovered and spoke to one of the many elusive exiles. This feels like a major breakthrough, especially since I have become increasingly frustrated over the last few months at the lack of an exile emerging within sessions. Now, not only have I identified one through intellectual means, but I have actually had the experience of conversing with them. With her. I really need to take this to therapy. On a similar but entirely different train of thought, I also noticed periodically throughout my feverish haze that there is a Self present; a Seat of Consciousness that remained untouched by the trappings of the physical pain and suffering my body was enduring. This could, of course, be pure delusion - induced by the aforementioned feverish haze. But in the moment (and actually, several moments), there was a stunning clarity around that presence of mind. What I would really like to do is advance my meditation practice (or any other available technique) to access that state of mind. Unfortunately, of late, meditation has felt more detrimental than beneficial. I’m still doing it as a tick box exercise, but the more I ‘meditate’, the more aware I am of certain blocks that very much need to be addressed. Perhaps psychedelics could help facilitate some answers, but unfortunately that option isn't accessible to me right now. In other less interesting news, I have spent the last 3 days bed bound. I think yesterday morning, I got up to brush my teeth and get a glass of fresh water, and my body was literally like ‘okay back to sleep now you’ve done enough for the day’. I also have all the symptoms. Every single one you can think of. I don’t know why I can’t catch an easier strain like Omicron - nope, whatever I’ve got is some shit banging hot stuff. My throat and ears ache to high hell and the Extinction Reb guys should really come charging down my road if they knew how much Kleenex I’ve gone through in the past few days. In short, survival is a bitch. I’m clearly feeling better today as I am semi-vertical and semi-coherent. No, wait, there comes the God pounding mallet at the back of my head. That would be the universe signalling they’ve had enough of my bullshit.

June: Rehabilitation April and May has been a month of reemergence for me. We did a few long weekend/day trips away. I started going back into the office regularly. I went out with and got in touch with more friends than I have over the last 2.5 years. I posted pictures and commented more on IG. I feel like I’m coming back out into the world again. It’s been wonderful. I feel like a person again, in some ways. It’s taken a toll on my body though. I came back from London with a sore throat and within hours developed a full blown temperature. Right now, I feel like God is taking a mallet to the back of my head every time I try to move into a non-horizontal position. I’m off work today because there is literally no humanly possible way to do my job without a functioning voice (or brain, for that matter), but I’m also a terrible patient and I can’t for the life of me sit still. There’s always something to do, and if I’m not doing the things I need to do, I feel useless. This is partly why we can’t have children yet. I don’t want to grow into that mother, or wife. The parts work in therapy is helping (I think), but I’m a long way off from any remote form of long term sustainable recovery. And speaking of recovery, June looks like it’s going to be a month of gradually rehabilitating my body (and mind). I am beyond tired to be any more comprehensible and the God-mallet-pounding in the back of my head demands I return to a horizontal catatonia. To sign off in the words of Emily the Wise, may your toilet paper be plentiful, may your WiFi be strong and may the odds be ever in your favour. Especially if your body is shit at waging war with microbial invaders. P.S. at the time of posting this (not the same time as when I was writing it), I tested positive for the rona. After nearly 2.5 years of superb dodging. Partner asked why I had to catch it when it’s not even relevant anymore. So untrendy of me.

Running from the perspective of an adult who hates running Pros: Being able to run longer into late life (natural wear & tear occur later in life - under the assumption that no significant injuries occur during runs) - according to partner, not sure how true this is. Being a bit more considerate around form & how to run properly/effectively. Cons: You’re slow. You can just about barely tolerate short distances. The benefits of habit building in early development are virtually non-existent (obviously, lol). You negotiate with yourself and come up with a million excuses not to do the run, including referencing your deviated septum which block air passage entirely in one nostril. Your lungs hurt. Your brain hurts. Running is apparently 90% psychological (again, according to partner. It’s a figure of speech, not a statistic.) Your self-esteem hurts. Every other body part will hurt at some point. You generally suck at running. Today’s run was a 3.3 mile (just over a 5k) on mixed hilly terrain. A relatively slow 11-minute per mile run - which feels like fking sprinting to me uphill. You can't relate because you're not 5 feet tall with dinky legs. I want to build up to a 5-6 mile (10 min per mile) run. Body, please function.

Thoughts on therapy no one cares about. The research indicates that video or telephone therapy can be just as good as face-to-face sessions, and that each modality has their unique benefits and disadvantages. I’m not sure on my thoughts on that just yet. The research also indicates that the working alliance between therapist and client is a major factor in reducing risk of dropout and facilitating desired outcomes — regardless of therapeutic approach or modality. But it takes two to build rapport, yes? You can maximise efforts on your end, but a therapeutic relationship is unlikely to survive if it’s ultimately one sided. Just like any other any relationship, actually. I don’t think people realise how much hard work therapy involves. A lot of what Leo says about pickup can be applied to psychological therapy too. But I guess it’s offensive to say that. Or people take it out of context and bastardise your original message. Or I guess they just don’t want to hear it. Which is plenty fine by me. I just want to make sure I’m aware of this, and my part in it.

Musings. In the true spirit of IFS, I just want to thank all my managerial parts for helping me show up today at work like a normal, functional human being. Like a normie. I’ve been pondering how I ended up here again. I had a journal years ago on this forum, under a different handler. I also had a friend. Friend doesn’t seem like quite the right term, they were more of a journal buddy/acquaintance whom I checked in on occasionally. I wonder how this person is doing now. I remember little from back then, but I recall depressive symptoms and major frustration around procrastination for the both of us. I know I started that original journal out of desperation. What I know less of is why I’ve been lurking around for months, and then finally writing again on here. I’m no longer desperate. I no longer procrastinate (much), and I’m definitely not clinically depressed anymore. I’m actually really happy and fulfilled for the most part, and have gone further than I thought I ever would. What then, am I doing here? So maybe then this forum/journal is a form of procrastination. Maybe it’s reprieve from the busyness of day to day life. Maybe I want attention. Maybe I miss making deep connections. Maybe I miss having big and multiple groups of friends at my disposal. Maybe I feel I’m at a spiritual dead end and I’m tired of pushing through with no breakthrough. Maybe my life purpose(s) is taking me through a rather dull and uninspiring backroad and this journal is a way of tap-dancing through the mundane before I reach more scenic routes again. Maybe it’s limerence. Maybe it’s all of the above, who knows. Ultimately I guess it doesn’t really matter why. I’m here now, and if I’m going to keep writing, then the writing is going to serve me in a way that is beneficial to myself. I hope my old accountability/journal buddy is doing well. Our interactions were brief, but the more time I spend on here, the more I think of them. Maybe I’ll go hunt around for my old username, although I suspect that old account is now defunct.