mariabudanova

Could you share those experiences with me?how did you meet them? and what was happening? I am curious, if you don't mind sharing. I have never heard of it before. Ye, i guess i have to be more careful being this vulnerable, thank you:)

When i was 17 I was visited by aliens. I once woke up in the middle of the night and there were 2 aliens. They were quite short. They went from the balcony to the closet. Opened the door, got into the closet. And didn't come out. They were gone. I was so terrified, tried not to move and was afraid to fall asleep. That was an interesting experience. And also when I was 10 and 13 i saw their spaceships.

Part 3. My parents never spent time with me. They didn't care. But we had a cat. She was like a parent to me. She was so intelligent and even knew how to play hide and seek. She always played with me. She was my family. But one day my father got drunk. My cat used her litter box, but she missed a little and her poop got onto the floor. What happened next deeply traumatized me... He grabbed my cat by her legs and started banging her head against the table to get her skull open. The cat was screaming. I was screaming in terror and begging him to stop, but he didn't care. He violently killed my cat infront of my eyes-she was everything to me, my caretaker, my friend, my family. There were kids older than me and bigger than me. They were twins, two sisters, who would like to hold me hostage sometimes. They liked to inflict physical pain on me. It brought them pleasure.( i was around 6-7). I think it was going on for years. They had a crazy huge dog that once got of the chain and attacked me, biting through my back and dragging me all around the yard. After this incident those kids held me in their home and didn't let me go. I wanted to go home, but one of the girls said to not let me go to another girl and said that she will run outside and bring the dog inside. They thought it would be a good idea to brng the dog inside and sic it on me. What happened next is blocked by my psyche. I can't remember. These are just some memories out of many..about the things that happened to me by the age of 10. Emotional and physical abuse has been going on for many and many years. With couple situations of sexual trauma. By the time I went to school, I was already terrified of people (of adults and kids). When I was at school, going to classes, I was afraid to speak and even to move my body. I couldn't learn. I was constantly in survival mode, constantly terrified, and much of the time dissociated. My nervous system was always on edge, 24/7 scanning the environment for the next sign of danger ( i even slept with my eyes half-opened for most of my childhood). I never felt safe-not at home, not at school, not even in my own body. I didn't even know what it feels like to feel safe. When you're in survival mode, your brain and body aren't concerned with learning, growing or playing. All of your energy is directed outward, toward looking for threats, trying to predict people's behavior, trying to avoid being hurt. My senses were always on high alert. Every sound, every facial expression, every shift in someone's voice could mean danger. It was exhausting. The constant hyper-vigilance shaped the way I moved through the world. I couldn't focus, I couldn't rest, I couldn't lt my guard down--because i have learned that the moment I did, something bad might happen. So I stayed alert. All the time. It wasn't living. It was surviving. The only skills I could master while growing up were my people-pleasing skills--I got really good at that. I also learned how to be invisible. How to stay still. To the point where, once, when a teacher asked my classmates where I was that day, all of them said I hadn't come to school- when, in fact, I was sitting right there in the class with them. I didn't speak for the first 7-8 years of school at all. To be continued...

part 2 One night, when I was around 5-6 yrs old, my mother brought home a different man to the previous one. We lived in a very small place and there were no doors between two rooms that this place had ( and also there was no bathroom). She was fooling around with a man half naked and we were sitting by the entrance to that room. We were very uncomfortable and didn't know what to do. We were brainstorming. And i had an idea. I shared that idea with my brother and he liked it. So i got up of the chair and came up close to the bed they were on. I told her: "YOU ARE A SLUT!". She started pushing the man that was on top of her away. He was trying to convince her to forget about us and to not pay attention to us. She started crying. And one of them got angry and punched me in the face(I don't remember if it was my mother or that man). I am so proud of that little girl who had the courage to stand up for herself and her older brother. One time, in the place where I lived, there was a "Village day" celebration. In the evening my girlfriend, my grandmother, my granmother's girlfriend and I went there together. We've spent there hours. By the time it was midnight my girlfriend and I were very tired and wanted to go home. We told that to my grandma. But she was drunk and wanted to have fun. She waved us off and told us to go home by ourselves. I was only around 6 yrs old. My girlfriend was 6 yrs older than me- she was about 12. We started walking home down the street. It was already dark and the village had that eerie silence. As we passed one of the long empty streets. We noticed there was a car slowly driving behind us. The second they saw that we noticed them, the car sped up a little and pulled up beside us. There were 2 adult men. Maybe in their late 30s- early 40s. The window rolled down. A man's voice offered us to get in their car. We said no. And the car doors started to open. We ran. Luckily, there were a few turns ahead, and it gave us a 5-7 second head start. We knew we wouldn't make it home on time, so we jumped into the bushes. Seconds later the car turned the corner and stopped just about 2 meters from where we were hiding. The doors slammed again. The men got out and started to look for us everywhere. After a few minutes of searching, I heard one of them shout: -"Come out from wherever you're hiding! We know you're here. We will find you anyway. And if you don't come out yourselves, it's only going to be worse for you. So you better come out and we won't hurt you." One of them started walking towards the bush where we were hiding. There were 2 bushes. They were standing close to each other. And in one of those bushes we were hiding. He started walking towards us. He stopped right beside our bush. He paused and listened. My friend put her hand over my mouth to cover the heavy sound of my breathing. It felt like the time have frozen. He briefly checked the bush that was beside ours. By some miracle he didn't check the one where we were hiding. They kept looking for another minute ot two. Eventually they got frustrated, got back in their car and left. We waited a little and ran home. Sometimes my parents left me home alone for couple of days without water and food. Once, I woke up in the middle of the night under the kitchen table, lying in a pool of my own vomit. I can't remember what happened and why i was there. I was so weak I couldn't even move. About 10 minutes later, I heard my father come home. He was angry and drunk, growling as he walked through the entrance door. He was so drunk that he fell and couldn't get up. I was still lying under the table. He mumbled, asking me to help him up. I tried but couldn't get up myself. He yelled at me, calling me a terrible daughter for not being able to help him and instantly fell asleep on the floor. I cried myself to sleep, feeling so much guilt and shame. To be continued...

I am sorry i couldn't find a better thread for this question. So sorry for bothering. Can I delete this account and "my life journey" journal and create a new account with a different name? My issue is: i created the account under my real name in 2021. Back then i didn't think i would wanna post in a forum, but now i wanna tell a story of my life and share my progress and i want to be honest, but i am afraid it can turn against me someday in the future.