Hi there I just made an account here.
So for many years I had been trying to figure out these many feelings of deep emptiness, loneliness and overall feeling hollow as a rotted tree. Aside the story of my life I think it all comes down to the inability to feel love for myself and ignoring my trauma and the way my brain wired to deal with my family, in pretty much any type of meditation practice I can bring my awareness to my chest and there's always a discomfort and sometimes frustration that no matter how much I just let it be or accept it it's just there and I feel locked in a prison that I cannot experience or connect to the world around me.
Jesus after my first mushroom trip I remember going outside and feeling apart of the world I was just overwhelmed with joy and it truly felt like I was real, I remember streching so much and enjoying just running around like a maniac cause it felt so good to feel like I have a body and not just this detached mind that floats, it felt the same way it did when I was a kid or something. I tried to kill myself a little before that experience and I think without that experience I would definitely just said fuck it, I tried to kms passively and 4 times actively in the last 3 years, all I have left is giant scars on my forearm and neck.
I'm wondering what do you guys think about dealing with depression or whatever it is i'm feeling with medication? I had tried it before, it sent me to the manic moon and that comedown after the high was something words cannot even describe, it's so blurry but I didn't shower in 4 months and was stopped by police because I was so filthy when leaving the house for food. It scares the shit out of me that would happen again but I think the awareness I have now with not being far less identified to the ego and having the awareness of letting thoughts go and not being attached to fleeting emotions I might be able to avoid returning into another 'episode' but really I don't know to what degree it truly is helping me resolve the roots of my self and not just making me high,
Right now i'm trying to search for therapists and taking actions like that but I also would like if anyone could comment on anything you found to work for you and if you think it could for me. I don't think i'm that different, I just isolated myself to protect me from the really bad experiences I had growing up but in doing so I created so much suffering for myself, I have no family I can relate to and I have absolutely not a single human being I speak too anymore. The psychedelic experience shows me each time when my self is dissolved I want to do nothing else but help others, the moment it comes back all I want to do is jump off a building.
Thanks 4 reading
