Cathal

when you're developing more self awareness and being mindful, do you ever notice when you're not being mindful your face and body are enacting the thoughts that are in your mind? i'm sure this has to a big degree my social isolation at this point because it doesn't happen irl god forbid people see me fucking randomly laughing and frowning outta nowhere but it's really weird when you're just walking around completely unaware and suddenly you realize you're whispering to yourself, your body is moving, you're laughing and only a few seconds after you see yourself actually doing it and you're like what the fuck? is this just a consequence of not being disciplined? i feel like it has become far worse than it was before. a part of me feels like this is a lack of social communication/many unmet needs with other people so my ego is just becoming more intrusive and more neurotic. what do you think?

I have this kind of energy just throbbing in my head, the moment I intend to meditate and focus on my breathe my awareness is immediatly pulled towards this pulsating neutral kind of sensation that feels like thick liquid swarming around in my skull. I feel like.. I actually cannot MEDITATE because it's like this thing traps my awareness or something. I'm currently dealing with my dissociation from my body/emotional body it feels like when I try to go into my body it gets trapped in this weird fucking energy. Sometimes i'll get out, but it's almost like a gamble that I get into a meditative state. It throbs on where you guys call your 3rd eye, if I put my awareness on it I can move it to my crown. But I cannot move it downwards.

it sometimes breathes, like feels like its opening up breathing wider and wider. doesn't really dissipate or anything, just breathes.. almost like a very gentle heartbeat in your head that expands and contracts, has nothing to do with your own flow of breathing either

As much as research and understanding I could put into this I feel entirely detached from my emotional body from neglecting it for years and basically feel like my awareness is locked into a small tiny box tortured by trauma unable to connect to my surroundings/people/feel any form of love. It's pretty relentless and I tried kms several times till I did mushrooms and here I am working on it best I can. I am trying to do completion process and shadow work or whatever I can to feel some of those emotions and let go of them and basically all 'emotions'/sensations are in my skull, literally, confined weird pulsating swirling around my head pressure like there's some thick hard liquid getting moved around but generally it's stuck to my forehead between my eyebrows, it's just a neutral feeling and it never shifts or changes. I don't really know what that is or what approach I can take, thanks 4 reading.

do u have the original art for that?

i can't find a video to talk about the inability to feel emotions perhaps there is one?

Hi there I just made an account here. So for many years I had been trying to figure out these many feelings of deep emptiness, loneliness and overall feeling hollow as a rotted tree. Aside the story of my life I think it all comes down to the inability to feel love for myself and ignoring my trauma and the way my brain wired to deal with my family, in pretty much any type of meditation practice I can bring my awareness to my chest and there's always a discomfort and sometimes frustration that no matter how much I just let it be or accept it it's just there and I feel locked in a prison that I cannot experience or connect to the world around me. Jesus after my first mushroom trip I remember going outside and feeling apart of the world I was just overwhelmed with joy and it truly felt like I was real, I remember streching so much and enjoying just running around like a maniac cause it felt so good to feel like I have a body and not just this detached mind that floats, it felt the same way it did when I was a kid or something. I tried to kill myself a little before that experience and I think without that experience I would definitely just said fuck it, I tried to kms passively and 4 times actively in the last 3 years, all I have left is giant scars on my forearm and neck. I'm wondering what do you guys think about dealing with depression or whatever it is i'm feeling with medication? I had tried it before, it sent me to the manic moon and that comedown after the high was something words cannot even describe, it's so blurry but I didn't shower in 4 months and was stopped by police because I was so filthy when leaving the house for food. It scares the shit out of me that would happen again but I think the awareness I have now with not being far less identified to the ego and having the awareness of letting thoughts go and not being attached to fleeting emotions I might be able to avoid returning into another 'episode' but really I don't know to what degree it truly is helping me resolve the roots of my self and not just making me high, Right now i'm trying to search for therapists and taking actions like that but I also would like if anyone could comment on anything you found to work for you and if you think it could for me. I don't think i'm that different, I just isolated myself to protect me from the really bad experiences I had growing up but in doing so I created so much suffering for myself, I have no family I can relate to and I have absolutely not a single human being I speak too anymore. The psychedelic experience shows me each time when my self is dissolved I want to do nothing else but help others, the moment it comes back all I want to do is jump off a building. Thanks 4 reading