TheSource

Hello Adodd, you're describing a seemingly paradoxical situation here. At least from my point of view, what you are going through is perfectly normal. Letting go of old habits and an old style of living makes the ego frightened. Also opening up to life makes the ego frightened. The ego consciously and even more so subconsciously knows that going further that way finally means death. What other feelings do you expect to feel from a limited dying entity? If you push through, the ego will become more and more of a servant for your life not an opponent. Honestly, I think a real break is not possible anymore. Once you get more awake, there is no going back (unless you choose unhappiness, but why would you?). You said your love of life skyrocketed. What do you expect going back? What do you expect from a break? My advice is: try to get to the root cause and ask yourself why you're so anxious? try to answer yourself the question why do you have the urge to hurt yourself sometimes? why do you feel insignificant and stupid? If the tendencies of self-harm become too big, please seek professional advice

@ivankiss, thank you for your openness and sharing your experience with us! Yesterday, I was typing the reply to your "physical death thread" but I thought "Well, he won't care probably". So I deleted the words and did not post. What I wanted to post was the following: "It is one of the most soothing realizations to know that you are here because of your own free will. Whatever the reason was, you chose to be here. So whatever the lesson is you want to learn, you are learning it right now for the infinite perfection of the Universe." Also, I can relate to you alot I felt lonely all my life, isolated and misunderstood by everyone. Sometimes that's the way we chose, especially doing our spiritual work. Also know, God loves you unconditionally and so deep it's beyond your wildest imaginations. And of course, I love you too! For me, it helps when I say to myself: "Even if I felt this way forever. I surrender." In the deep acceptance of feeling like this forever, you can go and rediscover what you already know!

Hello dear community, Since a long time, I asked myself the question "Why can't god kill itself when it is all powerful and encompasses all infinite possibilities? Shouldn't the possibility of killing itself be possible if everything is possible inside of God?". The answer (at least I think it was the answer?) came during a psychedelic trip where I felt adventurous enough to elaborate on this question. I said to myself: "Let's do it, let's try to end Beingness itself". I tried to end my own Beingness but it was not possible because following answer was given to me by God: God cannot kill itself because God is Love and ending the existence of God itself would contradict Love. Because Love is the reason why God exists and Love is the reason why it cannot kill itself. Killing itself would mean that all creations of God would die too but this is against Love which wants to maximize itself in form of more forms and more complex beings. I liked this answer because it ties Love and Being together. Love is the reason of Being and Being cannot be ended because of Love. It's some kind of a self-referential safety mechanism. So far so good but here's the question: If God is infinite and as Leo states: ACTUAL infinity. Why can't God kill itself? I still see that God is infinity, even if it cannot kill itself, but, well, it's infinity - 1 possibility. You could say: "Gotcha! God is already dead because it's nothing, so it does not matter if it could kill itself or not!"...I mean not exactly that. By killing I mean, stopping Beingness...forever, not temporarily, forever. Eternal blank black/white/whatever void without any conciousness, without any new spawning forms. The only way out which I see is that Being and Not Being are the same and God will instantly respawn itself because Nothingness always creates God again. But then, why wasn't I able to end my own Beingness during the psychedelic trip? Could you comment on my statements? Do I have a fallacy somewhere which I don't see? Can God actually end its existence and my realization was not deep enough? Or does the question, "Can God end its Beingness?", make no sense at all?

Thanks to all of you, for your answers! Every post was helpful to me. I think I got it now. Can you tell me if I am on the right track? After all what you said here, I made a mistake by creating a duality in my mind (Being vs. not Being). At the end of the day it does not matter if there is Being vs. not Being. God just is what it is. A perfectly symmetrical unity of everything. So, the question "Can God stop its Beingness?" is interesting but nonsensical from a non-dualistic standpoint. Because God is EVERYTHING. In a way it is and is not at the same time as all dualities finally collapse.

@ivankiss again thank you, super interesting! So, the infinite Will is an instantaneous phenomenon without any prior "I want X so I have to do Y"? It just happens immediately, right? But how were you able to construct/reconstruct your "new" reality? And how did you know that you were willing to come back? For me it's a miracle that the Nothingness is Infinite Will itself.

Wow, @ivankiss, thank you for sharing this intense experience. You said that you came back on your own will. Is there any way to describe how the will felt like? How can there be will in this infinite nothingness as you describe it? Also you wrote: This resonates very much with me. But also here, how can you express your freedom when you in this infinite nothingness? I mean there was no thought process happening, right?

Hello @neutralempty, could you elaborate a little bit further on that? To whom or what are you referring when you talk about "infinite potential"?

Thanks @Moksha but still, I don't get it. Being is the ulitmate reality, isn't it? And this ultimate reality is infinite, or not? So why does this infinity not include the possibility of ending Beingness? As far as my realization went, I think that Being is that thing that was never born and cannot be destroyed. When I (my human form e.g.) die, I still will be. And being means that I will always be conscious. I can never be unconscious. Is this correct or incorrect?

Hello to everyone, I just want to share my success story about how I healed my chronic pain in my neck and shoulder. I was inspired by Leo´s attempt to find out how to heal oneself (and possibly others). By sharing my success, maybe you feel inspired too. The method I chose was 250 µg 1P-LSD and and an open mind of what´s possible. Background: The pain started 2 years ago when my girlfriend and I broke up. During the relationship, I more and more realized that she showed all the classical symptoms of a cluster B-personality. Before the relationship I did not even know what Borderline-personality-disorder was and so I constantly tried to fix and help her (not possible) which was unbelievably tiring and soul crushing. Honestly, I feared the day I finally had the balls to leave her because in advance of it I informed myself of what to expect. In a nutshell: It seemed she wanted to destroy me. She tried to turn my family and friends against me with false accusations (like that I`ve beaten her or that I am a drug addict), she tried to steal my apartment and tried to rip of my money. This was when the pain started and did not leave me for 2 years. Sometimes it was lighter, sometimes very painful so that I woke up at night and had to take pain medication. It was obvious that this cannot go on forever, especially at my young age. So, I tried physiotherapy, massages, chiropractic, pain meds, cortison-injections into the muscles, (even more) sports and stretching. At some point I had to accept that the pain was psychosomatic. But why? Before the trip: I verbalized the intention for my trip: I want to find out why the pain lasts in my body although we live separate lives since two years. What unconscious aspects are causing it? The trip (only the relevant aspects): Although having a clear intention of healing myself. Working on this topic was not possible for the first 4 h of the trip. Actually, the dose of 250 µg was too high to do "personal" work at the peak because, well, there was no ego and no thoughts. At the peak, I bathed in pure love and unification with the divine. The positivity of the peak was a beautiful primer for the actual work. So after approx. 4 h I started to work on the actual reason why I went into the trip: Healing my pain. I started to ask myself: What`s the reason for my pain? Why isn`t it leaving me? Why I can`t let it go? I immediately felt some kind of strange resistance. It was not verbalized in my head but the feeling said: "Why going into this territory? Fear! Fear! Don`t do it!" This fear lasted only a moment as I was determined to resolve my pain and the resistance felt was only an indicator that things were getting real, real work will be done and real progress will be made. The LSD opened me up so that the resistance of my ego broke and I was able to see what was causing my pain. The revelation was literally breathtaking, relieving and merciful. When I realized the cause, I cried not because of sadness but because of relieve and joy. I was finally able to see that in the past, despite what I told myself, I was not able to forgive her. Yes, I lied to myself that I forgave her because my spiritual ego told me that I forgave and at the same time my ego started to calling her names. Making her my enemy. Although I always knew that I had such thoughts, I could never step out that negative downward spiral of labeling her my enemy. I was still taking her crazy actions personal. I thought everything she did was headed against me. -- But no, all the crazyness, the lies, the pain... It was never about me. It was her way to cope with her inner childhood-trauma. She was trapped in her ego-mind not able to see that she was loved so much. And the only way she learned doing things was to cause havoc because this is the way she learned it in her traumatic childhood. I knew after this was revealed to me, I would stop "hating" her and love her (not in a romantic way though). I saw again the good sides she had (she was really brilliant in many aspects) which were too often covered by her illness. That such a brilliant and beautiful woman cannot live up to even a tiny fraction of her potential is heartbreaking. This does not deserve hate but compassion. Whatever she did to me was not personal. It was never about me and will never be about me. From that moment on, I forgave her from the bottom of my heart and send my blessings to her. After taking a few breaths and feeling this incredible cathartic moment, the pain stopped. The tension in the muscles was gone. I was pain free and at that moment I was sure that it will not return (I still waited 3.5 weeks before writing this, just to be sure). After the trip: I am amazed and somehow surprised how well this worked out for me. The moment of real forgiving was so honest and purifying, I will never forget it. Loving someone who your ego labeled as "enemy" is beautiful and liberating. After the trip I felt renewed, not only physically, also psychologically. It`s like a heavy stone I carried with me the whole time, was put away. Now, when I think of her. I do it in the most loving way possible and if my ego comes up with stories how bad the breakup was, I observe that till it stops. Then I send blessings to her and hope she`s doing fine. What`s the outlook?: Maybe I can also heal myself from allergies in the future. I am pretty sure everybody can heal him- or herself if their mind is open enough to even consider the possibility of healing from inside. Braveness is needed but it`s worth a try.