J

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Posts posted by J

  1. Posted

    Everyday I feel as if I'm waiting for tomorrow to change on its own. I have no will to really do anything productive.  I want to change, however this seems like it will be an uphill climb.  In writing this I hope to get some sort of response or input as I feel desperate and have been through serious scenarios relating to my state, (Depression/anxiety related.) I will go quite far back to see if I can see were and how I made mistakes in my past.

    Starting all the way back in maybe 1st or 2nd grade my parents started noticing that I had developed strong emotional troubles, and was rebellious to teachers. In fact, I recall throwing a chair and flipping a quite heavy table at my teacher. I had few friends during this time period. Nobody wanted to talk to me. I was also struggling with reading and problem solving in school. I would be tested on reading constantly as well as my problem solving. Anyways, I was a angry, stubborn, kid throughout all 1-5th grade. I would be in the principals office constantly.  Eventually, out of sheer luck I would make a group of friends in the 5th grade.  Unfortunately,  things turn horrible around this time. I would enter 6th grade and develop an obsession of my academics. I wanted to make straight A's while doing nothing. I was and still am a perfectionist when It comes to my grades, and I haven't really changed.  I ended up caring less about my friends, leading to me losing them as I was too busy being anxious about my next report card. Ironically, most people would expect that someone like me would study my ass off every time they'd get home, but in reality all I did during middle school was go sit in my room, alone for hours on end playing video games alone.  I never studied outside of school or cared for what I was learning to be honest. In school I was constantly in my school guidance counselor's office stressed, to a hysterical degree.  Outside of school my house life was somewhat difficult to. Me being the oldest of a huge family  (8 younger siblings) and having a Dad that was an alcoholic/drug addict (nonviolent, but very lazy and depressed). I felt very alone during middle school. Into high school I started off with some of the most anxiety in my life.  My twin brother (identical) would be diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. This would be of concern to me as if one twin has the syndrome than there is over a 60% chance that the other has the syndrome as well. Anyways I would graduate Freshman year with a 3.82 gpa (unweighted, no studying) yet feel still empty, having no friends, lack of love for my family, or even purpose. Sophomore year (2016-2017) I would be admitted into an outpatient program relating to my depression. The program did jack shit.  The only thing that really helped but was extremely hard for me to do was meditation. It made me do things I would never else do in my daily life. This leads up to today, still in the same rut, with no idea what to do and where to go. I know I sound quite bitchy, but to be honest I need to get trapped emotion out and need help. 

     

    If you reply you would be helping significantly. 

     

    Thank You for reading this long post,  

     

    -J.

     

  3. Posted

     

    Just something I would like to add about veganism that is vital to understand about veganism.

    Veganism, if done right, can be miraculous,. It can also be terrible.  I was a vegan for a year and it was hell. I had no structure for any nutrition and  didn't grow normally for my age the time.  On the other hand,  my U.S. History teacher has been a vegan for over 4 decades and seems to be living just fine. I may try veganism again in the future with a better nutritional income.

    Furthermore, many vegans choose veganism based around Morales rather than their own knowledge (I'm not saying that veganism is necessarily bad though.)

    Its your choice what you eat, but understand yourself and the facts before you make any significant changes.

     

    Good luck to any vegans/vegetarians 

     

     

     

  5. Posted

    Yeah. I always thought that If I got a nice car I could travel as much as I wanted  and have a fast ride.

    I thought if I had the best guitar I'd make the best music.

     

    And For computers....Rendering and video games were things i'd do with a nice computer.

    But in reality like most things, I end up losing interest in everything and the pleasure they bring dies off in maybe an hour... :( 

     

  8. Posted

    Hello.

    I'm curious if roles can derive from other roles products. For instance, I adopted the role of a materialist through school and societal conditioning,  the product of this role is chasing material items (For me I would say money and leisure goods [I'm extremely orange stage ]). From here  the product guides me to adopt another belief such as "If I want money then I NEED exemplary grades to go to a good college and get a great job." This belief gets built upon forming another role (in this case the perfectionist). This can cycle on and on forming several roles which in a way intertwine.

    On the other hand, I'd also like to understand how some people just "drop" their roles. Do they have some process or do they just drop it one day? I mean something so deeply one identifies as for years can't be just dropped, right??? If they could be just dropped I bet I would be a whole new person today (which would be damn cool) but, in reality, it is seemingly in the horizon as a dream.

    Thanks for reading 

     

     

  9. Posted

     

    Here's whats been running through my mind lately 'bout college

    Soon in the near future I will be applying for colleges and I still feel a bit nervous about if i'll choose the right school or follow the right career choice. Right now I'm interested in astronomy and physics and was looking toward studying possibly in those fields, but I need some more in-depth experience besides just thinking about it. I feel confident I can make it into any college i'd like. My first question is if those hyper prestigious or "Ivy League" schools are worth it.  I can see some benefits such as more resources, but the cost, oh god. Maybe I should go to a less expensive school as a undergraduate and then switch schools. My second question is, what are your guy's opinion on liberal arts schools, did they help you as a undergrad. Last, is studying abroad necessarily a good idea? I mean it gives you a culture shock (usually)  and may help you learn more about yourself. Anyways these were just brief things that were bugging my that in the end i'll have to make my own choices for.

     

    Have a good day

    -J

  10. Posted · Edited by J
    Posted in wrong thread

    After reading a bit of the story "The Alchemist" I realized how much I am not taking advantage of. How every blessing I haven't taken is a curse. I see how ultimately people will live their own life through their own cycles 'till death. Unfortunately/Fortunately  I feel like one of those people, yet I'm young, All around me I see wasted potential, even in my parents.  I fear living like this but I'm trapped. I have such a struggle dealing with the urge to stay in the cycle. How do I deal with this issue? This is the difference for me having a life of modesty or a life extraordinary potential.  I need to break my addictions and bad habits, now or never. I want to pursue meditation, mindfulness and more, and I will

     

    Oops, just realized this was posted in the wrong section...

  11. Posted

    16 hours ago, RossE said:

    @J Just do it every day. No excuses. It becomes like brushing your teeth (assuming you do that every day) ;)

    I started in July and haven't missed a day since. After the first few weeks I felt incredible. Then around September/October time things were not the best - emotions were all over the place, my physical energy was also unpredictable, my mental chatter was also very unpredictable. Now I'm much more stable. Who knows what the next year will bring but I'm in for the journey.

    Certainly! Yesterday I meditated about five times throughout the day and I'm loving it. Meditation made me more aware of my self-esteem issue and my lack of consciousness throughout daily life.

     

  12. Posted

    On 1/1/2017 at 10:23 PM, Darrick said:

     

      I've created albums and made some pretty decent $money$ from sales & performances! I am very proud of the music i create. And have had numerous cooking jobs which are pretty fun and pay pretty well. But NOTHING close to enough money i'd need to live comfortably in even a small 1,000 sq.foot one story home and it's pretty sad :( 

     

     

    I'd also somewhat agree with How to be wise's idea of having a secondary business along side your either cooking or music. You'll have to build capital before you peruse something risky as the music business/cooking etc..  After gaining that cash you can then shift your  dreams into full gear. Making that push would take strategic thinking and good observations skill. Realize that the market may want something different from what you want to create.   

    Funny enough, I am also considering going to do music (guitarist) or astronomy (in a university or my own private research firm).  Note these aren't exactly my life purpose(s), just some ideas I thought up. 

    BTW Darrick, what kind of music do you produce? Just interested...

     

    - J

  13. Posted

    "Hold it now...wait a minute...come on... whew..."
    Just let me catch my breath...
    I've heard the promises
    I've seen the mistakes
    I've had my fair share of tough breaks
    I need a new voice, a new law, a new way
    Take the time, reevaluate
    It's time to pick up the pieces,
    Go back to square one
    I think it's time for a change

    There is something that I feel
    To be something that is real
    I feel the heat within my mind
    And craft new changes with my eyes
    Giving freely wandering promises
    A place with decisions I'll fashion
    I won't waste another breath

    [Chorus:]
    You can feel the waves coming on
    (It's time to take the time)
    Let them destroy you or carry you on
    (It's time to take the time)
    You're fighting the weight of the world
    But no one can save you this time
    Close your eyes
    You can find all you need in your mind

    2. The unbroken spirit
    Obscured and disquiet
    Finds clearness this trial demands
    And at the end of this day sighs an anxious relief
    For the fortune lies still in his hands

    If there's a pensive fear, a wasted year
    A man must learn to cope
    If his obsession's real,
    Suppression that he feels must turn to hope

    Life is no more assuring than love
    (It's time to take the time)
    There are no answers from voices above
    (It's time to take the time)
    You're fighting the weight of the world
    And no one can save you this time
    Close your eyes
    You can find all that you need in your mind

    I close my eyes
    And feel the water rise around me
    Drown in the beat of time
    Let my senses fall away
    I can see much clearer now, I'm blind

    "Adesso che ho perso la vista,
    Ci vedo meglio e di piu"

     

    3. This song relates to personal development and has some relations to enlightenment. The song hasn't done much for me honestly (just found out about it today).

  18. Posted

    Feel free to share your experience.

    Around three or four months ago (lost track of time) I decided to do meditation for my first time. I went in open minded and got some results. I wanted to see if anyone else had the same experience on their first attempt. 

    For the first five minutes I felt as if I was getting sleepy, probably because I was mediating late in the day and was becoming more aware of my bodily state.

    Ten minutes in, I started hearing subtle background  noises, also quite normal I assume for meditation.

    Fifteen minutes in.... things began to get strange.  I would have moments in which my hearing kinda blanked out and I felt like I was in a endless void, there was nothing... These moments would last for a few seconds.

    At twenty minutes my meditation ended. I was extremely more productive and would do things I otherwise wouldn't have.

    Looking back now, meditation is if not, the only for me to be productive in my daily life. I currently am struggling to make meditation a habit but, if I do so I think my life will change for the better. 

  19. Posted

    Starting today I am kicking my ass into gear to change my life.  This journal will be used to document every single important insight, event, etc, I have. I am happy to share my life to others on this public journal so that you will encouraged to do something good for yourself. 

    After posting on the forum, Leo recommended me to try to set some habits in to place and goals. These are the following I've came up from that list.....

    1. Start reading more (30 pages a day or more)

    2. Quit gaming, cut internet usage down to thirty minutes a day

    3.Meditate forty minutes a day

    4. Study a hour a day for High School 

    5.Eat a more plant based diet, cut out wheat, sugar, some meats, coffee, 

    6.Plan a diet

    7. Try to socialize (This will be hard as hell for me) 

    8. Be more clean (Room/ hygiene/Clothes)

    9.Plan morning routine

    10. Work on self affirmations

    As of now it is late in the States as I'm posting this. So, for this reason I will work on some of my goals today and plan some for tommorow.

    * Today's goals are...

    * Research and plan a diet

    * Meditate for forty minutes

    * Begin to make a morning routine

    * Read 30 pages of a book 

    * And lastly, do self affirmations

    I will check off a checklist to see if I followed these goals the following day.

    Have a good day

    -J

     

  20. Posted

    Note: I currently don't know whether this belongs in the Serious Emotional Issues sub-forum or not

     

    Over the past six or seven years I've became some freak of myself. I haven't been doing the basic tasks of life such as eating normally, caring for my hygiene, caring for my health etc. I am someone lost in trying to fix this issue so usually I stick to my habits of gaming, internet browsing and in general being a slob.  I think there is many factors that make me act the way I do. First, I think that my academics may be draining me of all my energy. Besides my lack of really any self care I am a high honors student taking some of the highest level classes. On the other hand,when I come home or when I'm on break I end up crashing out. The second reason why I may be like this is because of something my twin brother has and I may have...

    Over the past years I've seen several psychiatrists who've all asked me to get tested for aspergers.  My twin has aspergers (He's identical) and struggles like me at many of the same things. Anyways, all  I want to find out from this community is what to do if either of these two are the main issues (or both). I see all of these videos from Leo about these highly advanced topics and end up just feeling left behind as the one who can't care for himself. If I come of as cynical, I'm sorry. Hopefully anyone can help me as I'm willing to do anything . I've already considered killing myself ,multiple times so hey why not I start from a new leaf?

  21. Posted

    Hello everyone! I hope everyone here is aspiring to better themselves. I am currently a high schooler in his sophomore year. As of last year I began personal development and made some miniscule changes unfortunately .  However, I see the benefits at the in of the tunnel that are blossoming like flowers in the benevolent spring.   I am currently working on dealing with depression which causes me to avoid work and laziness that crumpled my upmost ambitions. I also struggle with academic stress. I am a honors student that ironically wants to avoid work but truly inside knows how important it is. This issue has torn me for years. I am pleased to be able to express myself to other individuals in similar scenes. Thanks for getting to know a little about me and feel free to introduce  yourself

    J

  23. Posted

    Ever since entering 10th grade my stress levels had rapidly increased. I feel as if I am always under pressure to do all my work but I don't want to really do it.  Don't get me wrong, I have great grades but terrible work ethic. Recently on the PSAT I took I even felt as if my academics won't hold. I seem to always worry about doing my work but  resist. Is there any way others have dealt with these problems?