jbram2002

“I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” - Henry David Thoreau, Walden I posted this elsewhere, but I need this reminder for myself as well.

“I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” - Henry David Thoreau, Walden

I watched through your four videos today. I think, especially with that last video, you might be getting some insights into how difficult it can be to be open in front of a camera that exposes you to the world. You have an interesting take on the journaling aspect of it. I think I would struggle immensely to do this. Which is partly why I want to challenge myself to do it. At least once. Not sure when or how or even why at this point. But it was quite inspiring. Thanks.

@now is forever I feel sad that I never was able to chat with you as much as I wanted to before your decision to leave. I wish you would stay, as I think you have some great insights to share, but if you are committed to leaving, please go with our love and gratitude for the time you've shared with us. <3

My mind flit back to a quote from the timeless masterpiece The Princess Bride: "Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something." I feel like this is true for most people who haven't reached the first line of awakening. Even after that point, life is still pain, but you are able to more effectively experience the beauty of it too. The question is whether to give into the pain and be miserable, or to rise above. The interesting part of this story is that it's bookmarked at the end of the movie by the "To the Pain" dialogue. Which doesn't have much to do with this discussion, but it's still interesting, so why not put it here?

I guess that's something I'm pretty bad at. I knew as soon as I wrote it that you didn't say eliminate, but I'm not sure why I left it instead of changing it. Maybe out of trying to not censor my thoughts here? But when I'm feeling pain, those thoughts get very loud and very hard to ignore / not judge / let pass by. It's like when you and your significant other are having a wonderful conversation and then your next door neighbor Randy barges in the front door and screams in your face about sushi. Honestly, screw Randy and his sushi. Ok, that was a random example, but I think you get the idea. Maybe. Or I'm insane, which is also likely

I'll try this. I find myself having negative anticipatory thoughts about eliminating anticipatory thoughts. What a spiral. I've found that helping others is one of the best ways I help myself as well. I wrote something today elsewhere that I'm relatively certain was not appreciated in the slightest, but it was also helpful for myself to hear. It's one thing I like about this alternate style of journalling: a lot of people want their journals to just be their own thoughts, but this way I can help myself while others help themselves too. Win win for all.

For decades, at least over here, wearing a mask during plumbing or carpenter work was seen as a weakness. It's a little ridiculous because you're gambling with your health. People have gotten better about it recently, but even ten or fifteen years ago, people were very resistant to wearing masks.

@tsuki That's about how I felt when I was playing ME2-3 on Insanity. It was quite enjoyable to feel the progress with every turn. Learning from every failure. In that game though, I was enjoying the experience of grinding it out and learning. I truly enjoyed every aspect of the game, and I always knew that a death was my own fault. Failure was inevitable, but so was success with enough effort and perseverance. @DrewNows I feel like anticipation makes things worse a lot of the time. Law of Attraction says you'll probably get what you're asking for, and I'm asking for pain and to hate everything. And hey, that's what I get. The problem is, I have a hard time figuring out how to change this pre-conception. Unfortunately, it's not as easy as flipping a switch.

@now is forever I know a lot of women who are dicks. It doesn't take a dick to be a dick. Equality is such a tricky balance though, both for men and women to deal with. I think a lot of men feel defensive because they assume it's a zero-sum game: if women are lifted up, then men must be brought low. Some women might feel aggressive for the same reason. If they want equality, the easiest way to do so is to tear down others instead of lifting themselves up. It's not very useful long-term though. It's odd how some women look at feminism and go to an extreme of turning the patriarchy into a matriarchy. Other women see this and think it either wouldn't solve anything or might be worse, and hate the movement for it. But most feminists just want to be treated like people, just like men are. It's frustrating how hard that is for the extremes on both sides and both genders to understand.

I think my problem is that I really, really don't want to improve my self-esteem or body image. Part of that is because there's no easy fix. I can't just say "Oh, I get it!" and it's done. Heck, even if I paid for liposuction or something, it's still not a "fix." I'd be back to where I am in another year. But now I feel I have to, or I could die. It's not that I'm afraid of death; it would just be terribly inconvenient. Mostly to those who I leave behind. Mandy asked me "why now?" in regards to all this. From her perspective, it's sudden and unexpected. From mine, it's been brewing for a long time. But I simply don't want to do it, so it's hard to make myself want to do it. @DrewNows If you could just link the channel, that would help. I can go from there. I once played Mass Effect 2 and 3 on Insanity mode. Not sure if you're familiar with the game, but it's the hardest difficulty. I had told myself I wasn't talented enough at video games to do something like that, so I decided instead I'd just try. Why not? The only way I could beat any level was to bash my head against it and figure out what I did wrong, then go back and fix it. Oddly enough, the hardest enemies were generally the weakest ones. In normal playthroughs, they seemed like just a waste of time or fodder. In Insanity, they were harder than some bosses. Spoilers for ME3: the final enemy you fight is the weakest enemy in the entire game. Except you've basically been stripped down to your weakest state. You can barely move, so your normal method of kiting them around until they're dead is impossible. In order to win, you have to hit every shot perfectly. I have terrible aim. After trying for about 20 deaths, I accidentally despawned him without killing him. I think he ran into a loading zone or something. I beat the game on a bug. I don't know why I mentioned that, but what you said made me think of it for some reason. But what I enjoyed about this extremely difficult game was that A) it was all a learning process, and B) I was able to accomplish something that's difficult and few others could claim (ego). The implications of B are probably obvious. With A, I find that I'm most comfortable or happy or enjoying myself when I'm learning. Doing rote repetitions isn't learning, and a lot of the time, the instructors don't really bother to tell you more than a phrase or two and make you figure it out yourself. Being in the middle of nowhere like we are, I'm unable to actually go to a gym and have someone physically show me a lot of these motions and what I'm doing wrong. I've asked Mandy about ten times to help me with yoga, but she's busy and has better things to do and wants me to be independent on this. You say that the body is a unique puzzle or game. It feels to me that I got Battletoads. Nobody likes playing Battletoads. It's an ugly game, doesn't control well, and is so frustrating that you want to give up after the first level, if you even get that far. The only enjoyable way to play it is to TAS it, from what I've seen. What happens if you simply don't want to play the game you've been given?

I think she's literally doing yard work like she said It's a good thing you're a master at baiting though.

Intellectually, I understand this... but I have yet to experience it. Exercise feels like a chore at the best of times, and as I said earlier, often feels like torture. Inflicting pain on the body daily with the hopes that eventually, you'll inflict less pain. Oh, but that's usually when you're supposed to increase the weights and, as you said, push your limits. One of the cool things about video games is that if you don't like the character you made, you can just make a new character. That's not an option in life. I didn't get a chance to save state earlier so I can redo the last few mistakes with what I know now. Heck, not sure I'd even be able to do anything differently. Would you mind linking Athlean X?

@now is forever In space, North has little meaning anyways. Perhaps North is actually East. Or maybe there's a spacetime fold right in the middle of Earth, and North is both East and West at the same time. @Shin Spoken like a true ladies' man.

Sometimes I wonder if he has a 5-MeO sponsorship with how much he plugs psychedelics.

I'm trying to be brutally honest with myself in this journal... that last post was far more open than I want to be publicly, but I need to be open in order to fix myself. I found a video from a different instructor. He's really boring and seemingly has zero personality, but he explains things well and doesn't ask me to picture my goals every 14 1/2 seconds. It's kinda funny how after every exercise, he says "great job." in the most mundane and bored voice I've ever heard. I'll see if that video challenges me or not. Walking plus weights is probably healthier than walking alone. Oh right, I can just post the video. Mandy, don't be alarmed at how short it is. He says do it three times.

Recently, we've been trying to walk together for about a mile each day. I previously did some exercise videos a while back for a few months, and I wanted to get back into them after the winter was over. Instead, we took up walking, which I feel like we've been pretty consistent at. The videos and exercises made me feel like garbage, like I was weak and worthless. That didn't improve even after doing them nearly daily for 3-4months. And since I can't have loud videos playing in the middle of the night and waking everyone up, my only option was to do them in front of everyone. It wasn't just awkward. It was painful. One of the biggest things that annoyed me was that the guy in the video would constantly say things like "focus on why you're doing this." My reason why was so I don't get diabetes or a heart attack and die. Focusing on not-dying isn't exactly an encouraging thing, especially when you're feeling half dead during it anyway. And of course, complaining to the wife doesn't help anything. There are honestly several moments where I'd rather just die and get it over with than deal with more of the pain side of it. But I can't. Exercise, to me, is not a beautiful enjoyment of the body or a journey towards improving oneself. It's medieval ritualistic torture or self-flagellation. But if I say that to the wife, it's just me being dramatic. It's very difficult to force my mind into a position of "hooray, I'm getting better!" when at the moment, I just want it all to stop.

I asked the wife what one thing she would want me to do to be more physically attractive. She said lift weights. My mind said "Shit. That's the one thing I didn't want to hear." Soooo I guess I now need to look into weight-lifting stuff. That, or decide I don't care about being at all physically attractive to her.

@DrewNows Apologies for not getting back to this sooner. My mind was torn in a dozen places yesterday, and I wasn't able to give this the consideration it deserves. I think there's a lot in your post that I can benefit from. I wouldn't mind digging into this more, but I also need to consider her feelings on things too. There's a lot of things I don't feel free to share publicly. I'd never heard of Byron Katie before now, but a lot of it sounds like a deeper insight into projections and misconceptions. I think most of what you said is pretty accurate. I definitely want her to put me first, at least partially because I (try to) put her first. I also feel like I need to put most others before myself. At the same time, I'm lazy and don't want to move outside my comfort zone, so I have limits on what I'm willing to give to others. So both sides of that coin are semi-hypocritical. As for your last sentence... I don't think I've ever thought on that. I'm honestly not even sure where to begin on that one.

@tsuki part of this romance is to make your wife feel like she is an important person. That you care for her for more than just her looks. That she's not simply an accessory why you keep on your arms whenever you go outside. She should feel free to make her own choices about everything, including what she looks like. Her mission in life is not to please you. The only Titanic in this picture would be the ego sinking into the ocean.

@tsuki Romance isn't a dead concept. I would recommend rekindling it in your own life if you think it is. Your wife may appreciate it.

@arlin It's very difficult. I understand. I'm certainly not the most attractive guy out there. But part of opening yourself up and improving yourself is trying to be open to the advice given. Tsuki is giving you some very difficult truths. I recommend working hard to put aside your own point of view for a moment, your own preconceived notions about Tsuki or women, and being open to the advice. For a moment, assume it is absolute truth, then examine your life from that perspective.

You are right. I find her very attractive. Her soul is amazing. Her body is a plus, but it's not her.

It's interesting how many people here are so caught up on the appearances of a woman. Love them for who they are, not what they look like. If she happens to be beautiful, all the better. It should not be the top priority. Especially here where people claim to be awakened or enlightened. Are you all so blind that you only see with your eyes? Are you truly unable to comprehend the beauty of a soul? Bodies change and wither. A "hot girl" at 20 years old will be a shriveled mass of wrinkles at 60 or 70. If all you're interested in is her body, you will lose interest a few years in. If you love her for her soul, you will love her forever. If you're having trouble landing "the hot girl," you are probably going about it all the wrong way. Get to know someone before even considering dating. Be a friend first. Pick up lines and bar crawls might get you a one night stand if you are lucky, but that's not going to last 99% of the time. Sex should not be your primary criteria when looking for a life partner. This is advise I have to give to the most closeminded people I know. I'm surprised no male here has said it yet.

<3 @Bill W I am open to any insights you want to share. Even if I sound closed at times, I want to be open to learning what I can. So, even if I push back on a few things specifically, I want to say anything goes here as long as it's shared from a place of love or aid. I definitely have body image issues. I generally ignore them because in my opinion, what I look like is far less important than what I feel like. When I was in high school, I deemed myself unlovable based largely on my body image. Mandy showed me otherwise. Now I share that story with people I meet online who think they're unlovable as well. Massive congratulations on your 8 months. I have a few friends who have struggled with addiction. I feel like I have an addictive-prone personality, which is one reason I'm extremely hesitant to attempt any sort of drug, even prescribed or OTC ones sometimes. I can't imagine trying to shake a drug addiction on top of my addiction to overeating and being comfortable. I wish you the best and eagerly await your further insights.