mochafrap

MM1988, I see why you would think that a girl opening up emotionally is a death sentence, but it really may not be. My hands-down best friendship and relationship started with a guy letting me talk to him when I was going through a really rough spot in life. Don't be too down on yourself. I think people who are just genuinely themselves don't spend too much time doing the "I'll talk real talk to a friend but not to a crush" thing (both guys and girls). My best advice is this: Go ahead and start conversations, decide what you would like to talk about and what tone you would like to open with, but remember that you are engaging with another person - not someone whose sole purpose is to be or not be your next partner. Respect them as a whole person, not just as something you want, if that makes sense! Be receptive and listening/engaged (versus focusing only on your own thoughts and reactions). Forge a friendship first if you really click with a person but it's not dating level yet - the worst that can happen is you have a friend. You may already do some of this, which is great. I really do think this is a healthy way to approach this situation. If a girl is just constantly unloading on you, that's really not cool of her. It definitely isn't her being respectful of you as a person. You could distance yourself or express that you don't really like it, or ask her why she does it. Good luck, I hope this helps!

I see. Proactivity is definitely useful when applied meaningfully and with the other person in mind. This could help MM1988 decide upon and open with a topic for sure. Past that, though, things can get manipulative if the conversation starter forces too much direction - which is why I commented. Sometimes people are so set on what they want out of a conversation that they reduce the person/experience as a box to check off. Or they steam-roll over the other person's input. This has happened to me even by friends. There seems to be a difference between conversing with someone as the person that they are vs. trying to use conversation as a deceptive setup for getting some answer or desire out of someone. That's what I would be worried about! Also, a note: It is not okay to "not give her the power" when it comes to sexual conversations especially. I'm going to assume I'm misunderstanding that statement, but if I am not, please consider how scary and uncomfortable that is.

I think you may want to re-think how you view women (girls, if you are younger). Your post seems to imply a desire to use conversation with a girl as a means to the end of obtaining a relationship or whatever else you want out if it. The keyword there is you - notice that your post is about your desire, but there are two beings involved in the situation - and key idea is you fulfilling a desire. Perhaps try to remember that people don't exist just to be used for goals. You could look to have a genuine conversation with this other person who happens to be female and see if anything romantic pans out. That is the best way to ensure genuine connection and avoid manipulation of a person or situation, in my opinion and experience. This: goes directly against what I am saying and is bad news in the long run, imo. Again, people aren't tools to control in order to reach a goal. The girl you are talking to is as equally involved in the conversation as you are. Plus, manipulation for a desired outcome is dangerous... maybe it's okay in doses, as are most things, but it does imply the idea that you want control (which is egoic, btw) when in reality control should be shared across all invidivuals involved in a situation like this to make sure everyone has freedom to do what they want, basically. The only time control should be forced is when someone agrees to it... or maybe if you're in school and your lab partners need a little extra push to get them to do their work, haha. I really think this is the best way to approach situations like relationships and learning it puts you in a good position for treating people as their own ends rather than as means to an end.