Sashaj

@phoenix666 the nihilism and depression was the result of wanting to escape, to make progress, to see the truth. Once I let go completely it dissipated. Destroy the seeker and nothing is left to be depressed or hihilistic haha

I don’t like the self inquiry mediation either as it feels draining but it works well for some folks and can pop the bubble pretty quick

@phoenix666 well a funny thing happened as I went into a nihilistic phase recently and also got very sick at the same time. I actually felt like giving up and so it kind of generated itself as I sat down for my regular meditation where I focus on the breath. I didn’t expect such a morbid technique to give such good results but it worked for me. No idea how long it will work for but I’ll stick with it for now ps it is really no different to the “ just sit” mediation that is practiced in zen traditions just a bit more dramatic I guess. The effectiveness comes from letting go of everything including the will to become enlightened or to progress or get better at meditation etc You tell yourself it is your last meditiation ever. Picture a pyre and burn everything away. What is left?

@Artaemis what type meditation do you do?

@Saumaya Yes

@Preetom thanks Just to clarify, the practice I described in the first post is different to what occurred to Ramana not just because his was spontaneous but also because it is a technique rather than the act of the ego “dying” itself I tried the practice outlined in my post and it was the most blissful and quiet state I have been in. Ego was mixed in but every time I let go into “death” my body disappeared and all that was left was bliss and space. Not “infinite” as thoughts were still constricting somewhat between the silence but still It was the deepest Jhana (from the descriptions of jhana that I have read. I also was not seeking jhana, it was a side effect of the letting go to death) state I have experienced. I felt like if I sat there all night I could just keep releasing everything and everything would disappear eventually I will keep going with this meditation Would love to hear from others if this works well for them too

@cirkussmile I think so yes. I don’t know if he was mediating on death at the time or not? His awakening was pretty unusual though. I think rats starting eating his body and he couldn’t feel a thing!

Mooji became enlightened in the presence of a guru. So did some other famous teachers but I have never felt anything in the presence of the few enlightened teachers I have met personally. Also, words on this forum and in books help my ego to understand from an ego perspective but that’s it. Self inquiry is the same for me. Just lots of thinking and agitation . What’s the point? I feel myself slowly falling into depression at the futility and impossibility of this What to do now? Don’t say “nothing”

@Nahm so true mate. But Ican say now that what happened a few days ago was beneficial. I was shown again the suffering that clinging brings. Perfecto dont have a need to go that pitiful place again I’ve even changed the way I practice. I’ve let go of everything now. Holding on or wishing for permanent enlightenment is the cause of suffering and end of suffering is the opposite

@Brittany no your response was 100% right. The seeker ego doesn’t like to hear that kind of stuff though

So I have pneumonia! Feel much more balanced in the head today though. It may have triggered some kind of depressive episode? Very odd! Anyway it is great to see all of you coming in for the rescue. Thank you

@Artaemis That’s interesting thanks i developed a high fever today and wonder if I have an infection raging in the body throwing my mood off kilter. Time will tell

@Artaemis could you give an example to clarify what you have said? Thanks

Do you feel liberated? What is the sadness from? is it part of the process so to speak?

Thanks. it is a desperate mind trying to break free of suffering and yet the source of the suffering is the trying to break free

If I go back to that then all of this has been a waste of time. No thanks

A way out: http://www.ajahnchah.org/book/In_Dead_Night_1.php

I look back at my previous posts and see a person with clarity and fearlessness and lightness of being. But that is gone now. It was a cruel delusion. I feel just empty and sad. Don’t care if I live or die. In a really deep hole of shit haha

Psychedelics can green you up pretty fast

So true. At some point we need to drop the bullshit but everybody starts with the bullshit. Then when you have had enough of the bullshit, let it go and what is left is truth

Me too. Nice to see some other bullshitters in here. Love you all

@Empty thanks for that

One either knows this completely or not so what is the point of all this mental masturbation i have no fear and still suffer. What is the point of all this struggle? The more I squirm the deeper I fall into this hideous endless thought loop

Haha

As sometimes happens I watched my ego And noticed things about it that correlate with the teachings. But if awareness is aware, who is noticing the problems of my ego other than another ego? Have I formed a vigilant ego to observe my everyday ego? Is it another voice in my head? Is the new and improved ego a vehicle I can use to keep practising? How do I know that the new ego is trustworthy? What if I’m shown the infinite but the infinite is an illusion of the new ego? I’m a bit stuck around these questions...