FindingPeace

Most inauthentic desires are motivated by a sense of fear. This applies to most of the things people do with their lives, not just the big things but the mundane every-day things too. This is fairly easy to prove to yourself. You can pick any thing that you do in life and imagine how you would feel if you didn't do that thing. You'll be surprised at how many things you have fear or anxiety about if you didn't do certain things. Motives that result in validation, approval, security are ultimate fear based. And if it isn't fear then its the pursuit of stimulation - the avoidance of boredom, negative emotions and even just 'neutral' emotions. Searching for a fix. But that is really just a fear of emptiness, ultimately. Authentic desires will not be motivated by any of these things. Not by fear, not by a feeling of emptyness. They will be spontaneous and natural. But that's not an easy thing to explain. From my own experience all I can say is that you can feel the difference between an inauthentic, ego-driven, desire and an authentic one. There is a certain clarity when you have an authentic motivation.

Stop living by 'rules'. Who makes them? Who decides how it 'should' or 'shouldn't' be? You've already seen the problem with living to a rigid framework: Reality doesn't care what the 'rules' are. So trying to live by them will only lead to constant dissatisfaction. Instead of following rules, follow desires instead. Authentic desires. Not things that you 'think' you want based on some external influence. Things that come from you. People argue that to live in a certain structured society you need to live by certain rules. Maybe so, if you fear being cast as a mis-fit. Sometimes, playing along to the rules of society can be done whilst keeping your more authenitc desires in mind until you can go after them. Ultimately, stop trying to live up to the rules and expectations of everyone else. You don't live your life for them, you live it for you.

I see authentic desires as those which don't have 'conditions' to them. They are unconditional. It's difficult to explain what I mean by this, but consider how many desires we have in life that come with conditions attached. 'I only want it if..or because'. Egoic desires usually come with some conditions attached. They are usually influenced by some external factor, often something very subtle and sunconscious. Like social norms or expectations, perceptions of what other's think etc or some way of projecting an image or status so as to get a reward of self-validation. Authentic desires will come from within. Independently of any external influence or circumstance. They are completely personal. They ultimately have nothing to do with anyone or anything else. Even though they may involve others. The desire is independent and unconditional. There is no if or because attached to them. They just are.

This is a profound realisation. This is good work. And you're making good progress. But you've nailed it: every experience in life is feedback. Feedback allows us to learn. So every experience is a learning experience whether it is 'positive' or 'negative'. Experience is essentially neither of these things. It is just...experience.

Have you ever had a success that lead to 'happiness'? And if so, how long did that happiness last? Think of your last success. Whatever it was. How, in this moment, right now, is that success making you feel? What effect is it having on this present moment? This, right here, is the ultimate misconception that leads people to spend their lives chasing success and never finding authentic happiness. Because 'success' is only a form of gratification. Which has a finite, short, effect on your emotional state.

Indeed. And to accept this makes a huge difference to how we perceive ourselves and others. Suddenly I find I cannot ever judge or criticise another person or being ever again. I don't judge this whole selfish/selfless concept. It's a tricky subject and the more you try to look in to it the more you find a tangled web of contradictions and paradoxes. Example being: would the receiver or a selfless act be a selfish person? After all, they are benefiting from someone elses actions. The whole concept of 'selfish' I think is a classic manifestaion of the ego. It's a concept that has a convenient benefit to the ego. It doesn't trouble me when I consider that (perhaps) every action is self-serving in some way. It's only the way we have been conditioned by society and the way our egos become offended by it that makes the whole thing a 'moral' issue. It isn't. It's life and it's reality. And there's a certain liberation that ensues when we come to accept it.

The brain is ultimately controlling the body. Even the heart and breathing functions. But much of that is being controlled by other parts of the brain that 'you' have no awareness of. But as for decision making, the brain makes decisions. The brain generates the thoughts, the concepts and the 'thought-stories' that are used to conceptualise and manifest a context, a choice and an ultimate decision. 'You' are just aware of this process happening. If you do meditation you become aware of how thoughts pop up and fade out. How 'stories' are created and how these stories seem to take on meaning and value. The ego is largely responsible for this. But 'you' are just the awareness that is observing this process. It isn't controlling it. There is no control. The body and the mind is ultimately a process occurring within reality. Nothing 'controls' it. It just happens. Like everything else in reality. But there is this thing we experience, the consciousness, that appears to be an 'observer' of all of this. Like a movie screen on to which the senses and processes of the brain are projected. So think of the consciousness as the 'screen'. YOU are the screen. Or, perhaps you are the empty space in which the screen and projector exist. Herein lies the ultimate truth somewhere, waiting to be realized.

Ultimately every motivation we have in life leads to some sort of personal gain. Otherwise we wouldn't take the action. It may be a very subtle gain, but nonetheless there are few, if any, actions that are motivated by a try sense of selflessness. It could be something as simple as getting validation in return (even self-validation) but it's ultimately a 'transaction' of sorts. This isn't to say that every acts without consideration for others. The term 'selfish' is a sticky one. To me it represents the mere act of 'doing someone for one's own benefit'. But this can be done without any effect on others, or at the expense of others, or at the benefit of others aswel. So there are several ways of being 'selfish', but they aren't all 'bad'. In the end, all of our actions fall in to one of those categories. It isn't when that survival comes at no cost to others but consider when there is a food shortage or a threatening danger. Then survival becomes 'who can get the food first?' or 'who can kill the other?'. Just watch animals of different species in Africa fighting over a single carcase.

I would say that 'success' is actually counterproductive to 'happiness'. But that's a complicated issue to go in to right now. But it really depends on your definition of 'happiness'. Because it seems that most people seem to think of it as some positive emotion such as joy, bliss, excitement, stimulation, etc. When in fact I see happiness as being the absence of emotion and more of a 'peace of mind' state. Which is all about the psychology of the person and not the circumstances of their life.

This ought to be the other way around: The brain controls the body whilst consciousness creates an 'experience' out of the sensory and brain data. To answer your question "Do I control my brain or does my brain control me?", what the the 'me' that doing or being controlled? The 'me' that you think you are is only a manifestation of concepts that the brain has created. The ultimate 'you' is the conscious-aware experience. Which has no control over anything. It is merely the observer of the experience that you call 'life'.

I'm not sure if this has been posted somewhere on here already but I think it's relevent to this whole psychedelic topic. This guy actually concludes that study in to this area of human psychology could be the key to the future of our species. Very interesting. So many studies being done in this field now with identical findings.

I meant it quite literally. To try and imagine that you didn't need to worry about having or not having self-worth. And if you didn't have to worry about that, then how might your motivations and actions in life be different. But don't worry if you find this hard to do. More importantly, consider the questions I asked previously: What do you think self-worth is? What would you need in order to feel 'worthy'? And from whose perspective are you judging yourself? From yours or the eyes of others? What criteria are you judging yourself against? The point of this is to try and pinpoint what you are feeling and why. And to question what it is grounded in. This, in itself, may bring you to some realisations. We often get caught up in concepts of 'worth' and 'esteem' without really knowing what they are and why they are. We take them as being 'something' when perhaps there is more going on beneath the surface than we realise. I could give you my take on 'self-worth' and what it means or doesn't mean to me, but that won't necessarily help you see and understand this for yourself. I could tell you that 'worth' doesn't fundamentally exist and that it's an illusion. A fiction of our ego trying to assert an identity. But these are concepts that need to be discovered through introspection and contemplation. This isn't true. Beware of believing this and telling other people this. Things like self-worth and self-esteem are functions of insecurities and fears. They are not inherent components of our psychology. They are conditioned. But through the process of raising awareness and consciousness these things become 'irrelevent' and in fact can stop being factors in our lives. The concept of 'worth' become meaningless. It isn't something to be ashamed of or to fear. It's fairly common in human psychology. The important thing is to not identify with it but to see it as something that can be worked upon and grown out of. In time. It can take several years for this to happen.

This is so true! The irony is that experiences in life seem to work ass-backwards. We go through life chasing experiences with the expectation that they in some way add value to our lives. Yet the process of having an experience actually results in a fairly unfulfilling memory of the event after a fulfilling anticipation of it. So our emotional response to any experience goes from positive through to neutral. Whereas we are actually chasing the exact opposite in life - we want things to come in to our lives and have a lasting effect. Which is the unfortunate irony and a myth. Because nothing lasts in reality. Especially the gratification we seek in our actions and experiences. This sort of answers the question 'What motivates action'. The expecation of lasting gratification and reward. Which, unfortunately, is a fallacy. How many actions in life leave have left you with a lasting sense of gratification?

Life fascinates me too. Whether it has meaning or not..is meaningless in itself, to me. But, I have an attitude towards life that could be called a 'meaning'. For me it is this: We only live life in the present moment. That's the only 'real' moment we have, the only moment we are experiencing. So, rather than doing what many people do and fail to see the present moment because they are off in their heads dreaming about the past or the future my moto is this - find the beauty in the present moment, whatever that moment consists of for you. In each and every present moment there is, if you look, some beauty to appreciate. It may be the sky, the clouds, the colour, a sound, a smell, something artistic, something intricate, the feel of the breeze, or the warm sun. But find the beauty in the moment, because we never know when that moment will be the last one, and even if it is..find the beauty in that moment too..

Firstly like aurum said, seeing from experience the ridiculousness of 'normal' realtionships. But mostly, you need to identify what your insecurities are that are drawing you to wanting another human to accomodate and comfort those insecurities. That knawing feeling you get whilst not being in a relationship...that's a good place to start. Really look in to that. But also, learn to be self-sufficient. Be your own best friend, content with your own company. Learn how to find peace and happiness on your own. Find and fix your dependencies on others. Also, remember that all experiences in life are temporary. They ultimately pass in time. In fact the anticipation of an experience (like a relationship) tends to be far more intense than the experience itself. This you will learn in time, but if you want proof, just look at every experience you've had up until now. How do they make you feel in this present moment? Any different than before? An issue with relationships is that you tend to go after them with a vision, an expectation, in your mind as to 'how it will be'. But this is a major stumbling point. Reality is rarely as we fantasize about it. And more often than not, it we spend years of our lives trying to make the reality fit our visions and expectation that we suffer the constant dissapointment when it doesn't. This is true of relationships. So be mindful what you are expecting from it. It probably won't be that way. So learn how to become accepting of reality and whatever it throws at you. Because that's all you have in the end.

What do you think self-worth is? What would you need in order to feel 'worthy'? And from whose perspective are you judging yourself? From yours or the eyes of others? What criteria are you judging yourself against? 'Worth' is an illusion. You can't 'have' it, or find it, or see it. Imagine that it didn't exist and that you didn't need it. How would you feel and what would you do? How would live from this paradigm?

I've never had complete 'egoless' moments but I have had plenty of what I call peak experiences during which my ego has been largely 'irrelevent' and I've felt only pure peace, bliss, joy of the moment. A sense of beauty of the moment I guess. These experiences usually happened during moments where I was expecting nothing from the moment, and I was in complete acceptance of the moment. I often happens when I out in nature, There's a certain sense of 'awe' that accompanies it too. Everything about the 'story' of my life would become like a distant dream and in that moment, there was no story, no fears or worries, no 'life' as such. It's a beautiful thing.

Leaning 'information' is all well and good, but there can come a point when the amount of information you are trying to ingest and process just becomes a distraction from life itself. Sometimes that's the point - people want to be distracted from life and studying acedemic material creates a comfortable 'bubble', more rational, more logical and easier to gain results from than real life. So be aware of your motives for your quest for information. And also leave room for studying life as well as all the abstract human-made conceptual stuff that won't actually help you cope with living life itself. Acedemia can become an identity for some rather than a passion or sideline. The question is: are you becomming identified with it or are you still in touch with your own 'self' and reality itself?

That you need to be more careful?

Is there a problem with this? Exactly who is placing all the 'value' on to the actions that people take in their lives anyway? Ultimately there is nothing you can do in life that doesn't become a memory of the event. Which leaves you where? Wondering what the next thing to do is...and so on. And, interestingly, have you noticed how the anticipation of a goal or action is actually more interesting and exciting than the action it self. And the hindsight of the action is even less interesting and exciting. You can spend your life like a hamster in a wheel, going around and around chasing 'experiences', being driven by motivations of 'lack', making no real difference in the long run. How many of the things that you have done up to this point, actually add any quality or value to the present moment, right here, right now? So, yeah, you can sit under a tree looking inward, or you can become successful and rich. It all amounts to the same thing. The present moment is all that you have and it's independent of any moment that preceded it or any moment that follows it.

It depends if these things we genuine 'miracles' or a misunderstood, misinterpreted and misrecorded accounts of something that can be explained by the laws of physics. People often believed in such things only because they couldn't explain it at the time. Unfortunately we can never know if they were 'real' because we weren't there to witness them. So we can only speculate, which is meaningless pursuit.

You're looking for a quick fix 'how to' guide. There isn't one. This is about psychology. Your psychology. To learn how to detach from these 'needs' takes time. But here's something to consider. So you meet an attractive woman and you have the urge to have sex with her because you feel that it will be exciting, stimulating and rewarding. And let's say that you do have sex and it is as great as you thought. So, how long does that 'nice' feeling last before it becomes a distant memory and you feel no different than if you hadn't done it? Because this is what happens sooner or later. With any experience in life. It's only temporary. Come to realise that every experience in life, including sex, is only a temporary experience and the pleasure of it only last for a finite length of time. So then what? You have to do it again...and again..and again to keep up the 'nice' feeling. To satisfy the urge that eventually returns some time after each experience. The point I'm getting at here is that it's an endless cycle. Having sex with any particular women will make no real difference in the long term. It will not add any value to your future life. If you actually see this then you will realise that satisfying an in-the-moment compulsion will ultimately be no difference than if you held off and did it some other time, later on, with someone else, for example. This is about having the self-dicipline to not be controlled by your urges and to not just give in to them because they are there, in the moment. Realise that the reward will be temporary and a point will come afterwards when it will be a distant, and unfulfilling memory. As though it had never happened. It will just be another 'story' within your story of life. Just think about all the other experiences you have pursued in life. How are they making any difference to this present moment right now? The girl you slept with a month ago, or the party you went to last week. How does it feel right here right now? These things add no value to your life, ultimately. And in time you will see this.

Yet here you are asking for advice because people may or may not think things about you. If you truly don't value what anyone else says or thinks, then you don't have a problem anymore. Incidentally, not having a girlfriend doesn't make you gay. It doesn't make you anything. In fact is has no inherent meaning or value at all. You don't have to have a relationship. Whether other people think differently is their business. Your business is your own life and your own authentic desires. Something I repeat quite a lot on this forum is: spend less time giving other people's thoughts, words or lives your attention, and more time giving your own life attention. You should be busy creating a life for yourself, so you don't have the time or inclination to care about other people's petty lives or opinions. You don't need to 'please' others to get through life. Be your authentic self. Not everyone will like you, that's ok. Be ok with that. They aren't important people to have around you. But some people will like you. So have them around you instead. Or, better still, learn to be ok looking after yourself, that way you're not dependent at all on the people around you, or their world-views. One other thing, having 'high standards' is an illusion. The qualilty of a potential relationship will have no bearing on your standards used in selecting said girl. Most 'standards' constist of fairly superficial criteria. The dynamics of a relationship are driven by far deeper and more complicated criteria than your standards. Including your own psychology. The quality of a relationship comes from the quality of the minds of the two people in that relationship. Including you.

There is nothing inherently wrong, or right, about anything, It is only the subjective judgment of an ego that makes that determination. And, egos vary from person to person as do their subjective experiences. So right or wrong is only in the eye of the beholder. It isn't inherent.

I wouldn't say that humans are necessarily more aware than animals. It depends how you define 'awareness'. I see it more as attention. There is a difference between awareness and consciousness. And there is no doubt that animals with a brain, are conscious. And they are aware of their senses. Just as we are. But we, though, are more often giving our internal thoughts and dialogue more attention than we are our sensory input. So our awareness is more on the abstractions and conceptualisations and fictions of our thoughts. Not the reality of our sensory world around us. So I would argue that we are less aware than most animals. However, our self-awarenss, is also an illusion. Beyond being aware of our bodies, we have this 'awareness of self' which is really just an awareness of the memories of experiences that we put together in to a 'story' of our 'life'. But that is all a fiction. In reality, our life is happening only in the present moment - something we give little attention and awareness too. So we spend more time lost in memory, thought, anticipation rather than seeing what is really happening. Something animals do all the time. They can only really ever be present as they don't have the conceptual framework to have an internal dialogue about a fictional 'life' that they are 'living'. This is the difference between having an ego (humans) and not (animals). The life that you are aware of living isn't a life but a story. Life isn't a story, it the here and now, this moment in time. That's all there is. And animals have little choice but to live from this paradigm.