How To Deal With Loneliness

By Leo Gura - May 22, 2017 | 33 Comments

Especially while self-actualizing

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Andrea says:

Hi Leo!

I’ve been a longtime listener + recommender of your videos, though have yet to leave a comment. This is more of a thank you than a comment, because last video I wanted to ask if you ever felt lonely within self-actualizing (like how I’ve been feeling). I wanted to say ‘how can you stand society once the veil has been lifted and you see the truth?’ It has become challenging to listen to old friends (and the general public) refusal to grow and stay stuck in pettiness. But here you answered it: you! “You, you, you, you, you.” Haha. I feel such joy having worked on myself, but do feel lonely and alienated, which is currently the next phase that I am working on. Thank you so much for addressing the core issue of loneliness and offering insight to those of us who face it, especially on the long and difficult journey with this valuable work. I appreciate you more than a YouTube like can ever express

Rosario says:

I just want to add to this comment. Leo is truly an inspiration to us all, I consider myself an introvert and actually wanted to become an extrovert since it seems they have more fun and are surrounded by more people. I have been trying to grow spiritually and after listening to this video, seems introverts have an upper hand because we do not need much socialization. I am embracing my loneliness now more because it gives me more time to read and work on my inner self and grow. I feel very motivated by these videos and now my new goal is to become more aware of these priceless messages. I thank the universe/God for people like you. I am not alone! As I listen to your videos I am realizing that my thoughts were in the right path without knowing that others think the same. Namaste.

Wojciech Solarski says:

Hey man.

I just asked myself where are people like me. Swearing to God, that I will never have friends below my level of counsciousness. Its sometimes overwhelming, when that simples thruths, taht you and me know is totally above average person reach. Its just pain, when you know that elemental things, which you dont need to explain, are understandable for most people. Where pitty behavior of others are cannot be inside you. You dont feel that long time ago. That hurts.

Worst thing in hero journey is that, that you wont be understood. And you wont tell how badass you are in your training. Becouse no one do that things and almost anybody will tell that you are crazy.

Every moment when im getting close to source. I see it especially in the way that nature accepts me deeper. Is worth everything.

No one takes all responsibility and live happy. No one faces his own fears. No one expose others and hes weakness for strenght loose. No one knows that we are the greatests. Everything is just on its head. We are idiots, and we dont even us. They feel like us, and we just arent needed now.

People are pitty. Pothetic. Its just the way it is. Im very proud of myself becouse way that i live my way, tells me, that i will always win. That everyday i will wake up and go do the training. And that my true strenght.

I hear you, Leo. For you to know how much, answer yourself that question:

Could you live now without your tools beeing lost, blind and going in direction in which wind blows, or will you just killed yourself?
If I will cannot counsciously shift my counsciousness I cannot live… That way.
Thats cruelty and nightmare of regular being.

I know, that when I will get through that part of my grow, now, I will be grateful, that I do that and its behind me. I know its a worst part. Cutting cold darkness and lightly, embracing life.

You just showed in right moment, becouse i feel alone like never before and you give me new light to conquer my loneliness.

Now its time to me to do what i can.

Courage. You are not alone and thank you.
You will make it.

Oh, Im saint.

Joseph says:

Lonliness is actually a lie because God is everywhere! He has said “i will never leave you i will never forsake you” and “You will seek me and find me when you seek for me with all your heart.” You will know the truth and the truth will set you free!

Mariann says:

Leo, this video was a. Very big help to me. As you were speaking I was asking myself questions which you subsequently answered. I found that even though I have never read up on this subject or thought about in depth, I actually already was doing some of the things you suggested in the end. Made me feel good and proud of my own survival methods. I’ve been lonely a great deal in my life and as you quite correctly stated I was lonely even during a meaningful relationship which made me even more self aware and also more interested in personal growth. I am a beginner however and have far to go. Thank you.

Vincent says:

Leo, What a master you have become. I want you to know how important the work you are doing for human beings on this planet, at this time. I left the ‘world’ twenty-eight years ago to live in the forest of highland Guatemala, in solitude, next to the Maya, but very much in love with the aloneness of loneliness. Had I had your sage advise my life would have been quite different. Chogyam Trungpa Rimpoche, Thich Nhat Han, Ken Wilber, Anthony Storr, and many, many more writers became my allies in my quest for the good, the true and the beautiful found in the silence of the present mind. Who know if younger folks can realize the ‘great synthesis’ that you have incarnate within this lifetime. But I, born in 1960, understand and value your attempt to free others for their own good, and, by doing just that, free a greater whole…Community is the goal of emptiness but one must first do what you are advocating here. Well Leo, you’re the man, keep to the sage’s path and let’s all enjoy the suffering of the road to self actualization….Muchismas Gracias, Don Vicente Stanzione

Laszlo says:

As with everything else, it is totally possible to use “self-actualization loneliness” and the “I’m above Joe Bloggs” attitude as an egoic structure. It is a very dangerous part. I had been alone for years and I thought I was very developed and spiritually advanced. Since being in a loving relationship I have learnt things that I could have gone nowhere near without someone else. So all you lonely people out there, beware not to use this as an escape route. In that sense this is the same as drugs, alcohol, games and TV series or what not.

Axel says:

Dear Leo ,
Great video ….again.
I am 47 years of age and I have been loving celibacy now for 2,5 years. After a bad break up and a bad bout of depression i came off antidepressants through meditation. after a while my life totally changed and i finally embraced the spiritual path we are all embarked on.
i stopped smoking, drinking, became physically fit, stopped eating meat and industrialised food and left my social circles as i realised how shallow they all were. it all happened naturally and effortlessly as if guided by a higher loving power.
As you say it is such a personal inner journey that most of my “friends” and family have disappeared from my life.
This aloneness ( i don’t call it loneliness because of the negative connotation) is and has brought me to the most beautiful stage of my life.
I LOVE being alone, it is the most profound and serene part of my short existence. i am no longer a slave to the worldly things and no longer chasing the stupid expectations of an ego centred consumerist society.
All it took is discipline of daily meditation.
Thank you Leo

Frank Jensen says:

HI Axel

Thanks for your reply… if it is OK with you I would like to ask a question to what you wrote.

I am 49, soon 50, and have suddenly found myself without a home, without the certainty of what country to stay in (3 options), and without a partner. My overarching trouble is this fear of solitude/aloneness. I think you describe some of that and how you feel now coming out of all of that… but how did you go about the very first part of that journey… what did you do, how did you cope…? Any personal experience tips you could share?

Charles says:

one of your best. as i try to navigate this journey this has certainly helped.
yes it is so lonely and dark at times, but knowing others are sesrching also is comforting.
A Hero’ s Journey for sure!
thank you again.

Shar says:

HI Leo,

While being able to be with yourself in solititude is important, I find a lot of what you are espousing in this video to be really missing an essential part of spiritual growth. Humans and relationships are an essential tool, if not the most important path, to my spiritual growth. Every human relationship can serve as a mirror. The more I work through my ego structures, the more I can love others. The more I shun my ego structures and choose to not engage or withdraw into solitude, the less of a mirror I have into my own growth. Relationship as path is a real spiritual practice that I find missing in your videos. Also, the way in which you talk about a spiritual hierarchy, is fraught with elitism and spiritual one-upmanship (ego). I think not pushing relationships and people away, rather deepening and engaging with others who are willing to face themselves in an honest way, is a way to move through our ego (rather than just pushing it away and calling it evil.

Laszlo says:

I can 100% agree with that you say. Maybe every path is unique and for some people it is being with themselves is the way for growth, whilst for others it is the exact opposite, to engage. But the way I see in this modern era the big issue is separation, being isolated and fragmented.

Yeah this site often radiates a kind of elitist, sterile spiritual way and mentality which lacks true love and engagement.

Cristina says:

I agree with you guys. Solitude is not something wrong, it’s true that it helps a lot in discovering yourself and the insights you get from it, but one can’t live alone for his entire life, what a loss that’d be.

Solitude is not an issue as Leo says, it’s the most natural thing, it’s like sleep. When you’re so tired you feel like falling off your feet, you could sleep even on the ground, in the middle of a fucking party with the music out loud and all your friends around. When you need to sleep you just go to sleep, all alone, you do not need anyone to join you, you don’t need any stimulants or rewards. We all have our solitude moments, some need it more, some less. It depends on how you charge yourself better.

But once you reach a certain psychological maturity and emotional intelligence, once you understand your inner mechanisms, you are ready to develop beautiful and deep connections with others. This egoic isolation does no good to anyone. Maybe Leo still needs his time with himself but I think at some point he’ll realize that after charging you need to share, it’s your heart that asks you to. You feel so much love and happiness you need to share it with someone.

Not to mention that all that “becoming one” it’s about connection not isolation. The sphere of life will only open to the source zero when we dissolve into another human being. French call making love “la petite morte” when you actually melt.

I’ve been travelling alone for the last 5-6 years. I know how it feels, it’s amazing, you can’t explain to someone how enriched you are after spending so much time with yourself contemplating on your life, your journey, your “why’s”, wandering on foreign streets or watching the sea or the ocean, but there come moments when you’d really like to have someone there just to share that moment in silence, that happiness. I took so many pictures and videos from all the places I’ve been to and living, but it’s not the same.

The smarter and deeper you are as a person the harder is to find someone to connect to, but there are amazing, special people out there one could reach to and enrich their life. Why do we live in such a lonely world? Why do we get the impression that we’re alone, misunderstood, too smart, too profound or too sensitive for this world? We’re not the only ones who are special. Let’s just try to get out of our castle and take a look around.

Jeff White says:

I couldn’t agree more. Kindness to others especially who are supposedly ‘less spiritually evolved’ is the best and truest path to ‘self-actualization’ . My heroes are not those who shunned an imperfect world such as many spiritual ‘masters’ do but those who have given every bit of their heart and soul to heal all whom they encounter.

Gene says:

Wow, when I heard what you said about sad songs, it really struck me.
I have been doing that all my life and it always made me feel great but like you said, very melancholic and nostalgic.
It always made me feel like I was connecting with myself.
However, it also got me stuck in the past.
Now I don’t listen to sad songs anymore and I feel I have grown a lot more without them.

Johan says:

keep up the amazing work Leo, what your doing is truly helping!

Peter says:

Holy shit Leo, what are you doing? Do not fall for this bullshit that your ego is feeding you. You are not more spiritual than anyone else, you are not more elevated than anyone else, you are not further along a path than anyone else. You are not here to develop yourself, you are here to annihilate your self. These insights and revelations.. they are being hijacked by your ego and turned into some crazy notion of spiritual growth. Your ego will keep you on this path forever dude! Insights have only one use – they are weapons of self destruction. As soon as you have an insight you need to ask how it can be used to deconstruct Leo Gura and all of his beliefs. Your insight might turn out to be a screwdriver, a sledgehammer, or a stick of dynamite. It doesn’t matter, just figure out how it can be used to break through the illusion of self. Your sense of self gives rise to your sense of separation. Until you lose your sense of self, you will not lose your sense of separation. To become one with everything Leo Gura must die! Grab a copy of Jed’s latest book and get yourself back on track buddy

danie says:

Peter I have to agree, I did not like the talk about how one is EVOLVING and others don’t understand. It’s not like that at all. In fact it’s the opposite the more I dig into myself the more I realize the value of others and their journeys and what they can teach me whether they are aware of it or not!

Xenia says:

I might have taken loneliness too seriously as I am moving to the countryside. I hope I made a good decision.

Nelson says:

Hi Leo, great insight into what a journey of self development is really about! Some of the most loneliest people on the planet are those with the biggest social circles and the bigger social noises that surround them. So yes, the foundation of being happy within yourself is the key to being happy with others. Thanks for a great lecture!

Olga says:

Hi Leo, I really laughed when you kept repeating through the video- just do it until you are 60 and it’s too late! I’m almost there and imagine how it made me feel! LOL

neil byrne says:

leo you are the smartest person ever, i am going to self actualize the best i can, thank you for everything.

Melody says:

Thank you Leo

Chiara Russo says:

Hi Leo,

I live on my own, far away from my family and what I miss the most sometimes is physical contact like just a hug or a caress.

How can I deal with this?

Thanks a lot,

Zara says:

Hi Chiara,

Do you still have this issue? I used to, as well so I know what you mean. Apparantly we need physical contact not only on emoutional level but also for the physical processes such as happiness hormones release from touch, but also the sensory stimulation such as temperature, pressure – just saying it is physiological necessity for a human rather than an extra or modiness. The good news is than you can stimulate sensory input through different activities and tools: hot shower/bath, self-massage, rough body sponge, then stretching (yoga), even dancing, and personally I just invested in a weighted blanket which gives a feeling of a hug for better sleep- these will all contribute to satisfy the need of physical contact. It is hard- we would rather have a loved one to hug with every day, but until that is available, I think best way to cope is to give yourself most love, care, loathe yourself like a newborn and be mindful in giving yourself a caring toutch, like a process of bounding with yourself. Somedays it can be very hard, but only when you no longer will this option to be by yourself you will know that it was a luxury! Try to enjoy it while you can!

James says:

I recommend that we convert loneliness into solitude. It is always better that way. Believe me! Solitude is heaven and company is this world and bad company is hell for sure. It is better to be alone than to have dreadful companionship. It is a wonderful self help read. An earsplitting shout to the author!

Adam says:

Outstanding video. I could only recommend the addition of more “or boyfriend” following the personal perspective of “girlfriend” etc, so as to feel more inclusive to the fairer sex.
To the detractors, maybe I can be of assistance.
Not every teaching or thought expressed in a video is going to meet everyone right where they are at; in the future whence one is further along a second read may then click for you.
Some of this material is very much up up up there despite not seeming so, due perhaps to casualness of presentation, and therefore few (most unspoken) will grasp the full meaning.
And make no mistake about it– we are definitely at differing places along the spiritual path, from sinner to saint, if you will. And even fluctuating in time personally.
Additionally (dont laugh, I was gonna write “Moreover”!) Insights ARE the progress and it’s a mistake to believe in any spiritual worth in applying thought post-hence to genuine spiritual insight, just useless mental mechanics and a certain sign of unchecked egotism.

Decreasing loneliness, increasing pleasure of solitude though nevertheless being fine with social gatherings, and certainly moments of deep illumination combined with wonderful tears of appreciation, are all pretty good signs that Truth is slowly consuming the lie of finite selfism within the aspirant. All the intellectual self-persuasion in the world won’t do diddly-squat for that.
You can call it elitetism if you like, but it’s unlike worldly elitetism in that NO ONE is excluded and each is entirely independent of an other.
Whatever you do, whatever you try, no gain is made so long as seeing is believing. By what means can one observe the All.
There is no thinking your way there, there is no earning your way there especially, what a slap in your Creators face.
What kind of parent makes her babes earn a tit.
Christmas comes when it comes and all the effort imaginable will not bring the presents any sooner.
Have you been a good girl or boy, do you trust and respect your father or mother without a hint of doubt or question, with rights to your very life.
Are you as innocent and as pure as a newborn baby.

Well if not, what are you doing here?
In the past you self-actualized for the sake of your self.
But now the teaching has changed. Now you’ve been taught that there is no self to begin with.
Now it’s about SELF-actualization. Now the game has changed.
Now self accomplishes shit, nada, zero.
Zero from zero is zero.


Nkule says:

Thank you Leo. you are such an inspiration about the things you talk about on these videos. they starting to help me as i am lost in the bush don’t know myself, having so much loneliness. i will continue to look at your videos so that i can grow mentally.

Thanks for shearing such a nice and great info.

i am bookmark the blog in my browser.

octavia smith says:


Taha says:

Thanks you very much for the insight !

Milos says:

Leo, using a black hole as a term for coping loneliness is unfortunate, because,
the frist thing coming close to a black hole is being torn apart by gravity forces,
and destroyed in shadow clouds. Why dont u use something like black bucket or lonely well, or if you need to go to space taking someting like dusty planet whatever.


Shannon says:

I love your thoughts here… and I am posting 3 years after your original comment. My personal answer would be because being engaged in this process of self actualization feels like being torn apart by gravity. I chuckled at the reference as it felt relevant to me personally. I think others experience it differently…but I relate to the black hole completely.


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