I have this weird thing where I will spend hours back to back just looking at violent content on the internet. This will be things like car crashes, fights, animal cruelty, gory imagery, workplace accidents, injuries, and surgeries. I am really not sure why I have this craving to watch the content. I have spent hours on the internet basically looking for the most brutal videos I can find. It's like I'm looking for something to satisfy me. Usually the binges will only end when I find a video or picture so gruesome that I feel a twisting in my stomach, and then I'm satisfied I guess. The videos don't really make me feel good, it's more like they are filling a void. I will often be appalled at the cruelty that I witness, or feel sad at what I watch. Sad that there can be such brutality in the world. However, I am carried on by a burning curiosity. Something makes me what to watch more. The thing is I've never been a violent person. I have never gotten into a fight or hurt anyone, except a couple times by accident. I'm generally very respectful and empathetic. I almost never insult people verbally. I stand up and stick up for people when I see someone is getting hurt physically or verbally. I really don't like to see violence in my life. I thought about joining the military but decided against it because I don't want my career to be about killing people. I'm pretty sure I'm stage green. Sometimes I get angry and want to hurt people, but it has never resulted in me actually hurting someone. The emotion passes. I generally trust myself. I don't think I ever would choose to hurt a person or an animal unless in self defense or in defense of someone else. Even then I try to avoid violence because usually I can get out of a dangerous situation without employing it. When I was little I spent a lot of time burning insects with a magnifying glass. I liked watching them burn. I didn't like insects, but that's not why I burnt them. It was the same feeling of curiosity that drove me. Something about seeing them burn was just so mesmerizing. I would spend hours outside in my back yard just sitting there holding the magnifying glass over the ants. I would hold it on the for many minutes after they died until the thing couldn't be burnt anymore. I tell this to people and they say that it is strange. I'm 20 and I feel like I would still enjoy doing this. I don't anymore because I'm more conscious of destruction and violence, and that overrides my curiosity, but I mean the craving is still there. When I was little (11 or so) I sometimes would take my dog for a walk and be really rough with him on the leash for no reason. I'm really ashamed of this now and I have never told anyone about it. It felt like I was angry and I was taking it out on my dog. I don't know where the anger came from. I felt like I was showing my dog who's boss or something. I felt satisfying to show him that I could hurt him and he couldn't hurt me. I really wish I didn't do this. It was monstrous. I love my dog still to this day. I wouldn't wish any harm or pain on him. I wish I could tell him I'm sorry. I'm writing all this because I feel like it's connected to the above paragraphs. When I was little I also spent a lot of time pulling out eye lashes or other hairs one by one around my body. Again, It gave me the same feeling of satisfaction. I was just fascinated by seeing the hair come out, the small spike of pain, the little hair follicle left behind. I still do this today a little bit. I don't pull out eye lashes anymore, but I kind of enjoy plucking little hairs from my face that I may have missed while shaving. It's deeply satisfying to me to see the root of a hair that used to be planted deep in my skin. I love pulling out hairs especially that are very thick and dark. I looked this up and it's a thing called Trichotillomania apparently. I don't have it as bad as some people where I will get bald spots, but sometimes I indulge in plucking hairs to "clean up" my face or other parts of my body. Everything I mentioned above seems to be connected to or stem from the same place in my mind. I am wondering if this is a problem in me or if I should be concerned? What might be causing this behavior in me? If it's childhood trauma, how do I overcome it? Does anyone else have similar cravings? Why do I crave these things?