The problem is that you have a very strong aspect which is very self-hating or self-defeating. It's very strong that you even identify your whole self as that one aspect. This is a very difficult problem to solve because this self-defeating aspect is embedded deep in your soul and runs in the background of your mind. This is why you feel a very strong resistance when you try to do something good for yourself. I think you should try to balance it out by developing the aspect of you which is self-loving. It must be there, somewhere in your soul. I have a small but powerful technique to help you do that. But first I need to clarify what love and self-love is. Self-love is: Being kind and good to yourself                You honor your desires and do things which serve you; you eat delicious or nutritious foods, you sleep long (more or less 7 hrs) and deep, you chase and bang beautiful women, you do self-actualization work, and you pamper yourself with a big pizza from time to time. Being understanding or sympathetic to yourself                When you make a mistake, especially a big one, you don't condemn or punish yourself by judging yourself as dumb, bad, or evil. And you don't restrict your chance of succeeding or doing it correctly. You always deserve a chance. Why? For no other reason but you love yourself.                You also try to understand why you made such mistake. You consider your external and internal situation (your beliefs, thoughts, and feelings at the time of committing the mistake).  Forgiveness                It is connected to understanding or sympathy. It is easy to forgive yourself if you understand why you made a big mistake. You can even go a level higher. Even if you don’t understand for whatever reason why you are being dumb or made such a stupid mistake, you still choose to stop punishing yourself. You are still being kind to yourself, the same way you are being kind to that beautiful girl who captured your heart (might sound cringy ).    Having respect and setting boundaries                You draw lines or set rules for how others should behave towards you, and you strictly implement such rules. Don’t allow others to insult, bully, or gaslight you. You should be willing to punish anybody who verbally or physically harms you. It is exactly similar to protecting somebody or something you love; a dog, computer game, or $1 million in your bank account. You nourish it. And you destroy anybody or anything which harms it. Appreciation                You see and appreciate the good things about you and the good things you do. Those are the essence of self-love. Contemplate them until you clearly understand them.   Then start a conscious decision to love yourself and be your own protector and cheerleader. There will be a very strong resistance, but you need to use all your energy and will power to resist the resistance. 1. Look yourself in the eye in the mirror for 30 seconds to 1 minute. 2. Say "I want to love myself." Yes, I'm bad, I'm this, and that, but "I want to love myself.     Do this 2 times a day, preferably in the morning, and night. You might want to wash your face first before doing it, so you look better.  You can verbalize it or just say it to yourself via thoughts so nobody can hear you. And throughout the day, pause or take a moment to say it (5 to 10 times without the mirror). Do this for a few years. You will know when to stop. But after 1 year, you will feel and see the result.        Don't say "I love myself". The resistance will be even stronger, and more importantly, it's a lie. It's better to be straightforward and honest, so say "I WANT to love myself". Also don't say "I want to love you". It's more direct and empowering to say "I", so say "I want to love myself".   That might look a very simple exercise or routine and you underestimate its effectiveness. But it works. I generated strong and stable self-love via that. It is via self-love that you naturally become connected to your desires and feel love and excitement for existence. It's also good to have an alone time (1 to 2 hrs a day, at least 3 times a week) for contemplation, introspection, and appreciation. And find a way to implement the essence of self-love in your daily life. It's probably better if you continue your van life until you earn enough money to be able to afford an apartment. Don't go back to living with your family. And playing computer games is surely a waste of time and energy.  Here is a thread I started which might also help.