By wellbranding,
Hello, I am just speechless... Basically, this happened an hour ago I believe. For the second time in two weeks, this occurred in my meditation session, I will break down it in the stages. These steps occurred 2 weeks ago for the first time. I had some non-dual experiences for the 3-4 years as of now, not that strong.
My thoughts disappear in meditation.
Then I try to be conscious about the presence ( it is like pressure, but I am aware of it) ( I refer to "I" as a self, but I am not sure what I was, perceiver)
Then the third step occurred, like the 2 weeks ago. The moment occurred, when the perceiver disappear. I could not find it. That moment the pressure was built into my head. The warm sensation. The perceiver definitely disappeared but somehow two weeks ago I came back.
Now, this is what happened today. I came to the 3 steps, but this time the pressure kept rising. It kept rising to the moment when I ceased to exist and I was lost. Like in the literal sense. The best explanation I could refer to is that even though I meditated in the dark it was like a hole, the infinite hole, and I was not a center of it, but like the whole hole. Now the additional steps were present:
4. My heart was exploding, like physically, my heart was pounding crazy. I don't know if it is healing energy or what, because I was diagnosed with pericarditis. More about it here.
5. My physical body was collapsing and most importantly I could not stop it. My logical mind did not stop existing, it somehow recalled the speech from Sadguru, which said that during enlightenment the physical body dies, unless you have some kind of amulet with yourself. The most fascinating part is that I was alright. It did not make any difference. Like complete acceptance. 6. My eyes still closed, it was acceptance. At that moment my logical mind showed images of me being a very old guy, again memories from Sadguru and his enlightenment journey. Still, I was satisfied. The heart did not stop beating crazy, the body was not present at all, heart-pounding was a pure sensation
7. Still, I did not die. Though tears were falling because if it was death even my logical mind was satisfied. I did not fear any sense of fear, I was just crying that such a thing is possible. The thing is that I could stay in that state forever. I did partially lose the sense of time. Partially I refer to like time stops, but still so-called existing, don't know how to refer it. Like I could be satisfied if 100 years passed from this point onwards.
8. I consciously opened my eyes. My body is still shaking, the heartbeat showing 100 beats per second, at the enlightment/awakening moment I did not have an Apple watch, it was charging. it was maybe 180 beats per second.
9. I could not stand correctly. After turning the lights on, some fear from logical mind returned - idea that I will never be able to see. Also, I went to the mirror and somehow expected to look like an old guy ( I am 22 though). Though no emotions from me.
10. I closed my eyes again. Again the world disappears. I then opened my eyes. It felt like if I close my eyes I am dead. It was not fear, but somehow I felt motivated to work on, and don't just die.
So I decided to write it down here since I don't know another community. I am not sure if I am fully enlightened. Though it feels like I can close my eyes and merge again, the feeling is fading. Perhaps I should explore consciousness more. The pain in my heart seems gone, somehow I always believed in healing and I am doing reiki healing together with conventional medicine.
I have just one more question. If it is ok for my physical body to collapse? I can't call it dying, since, in the infinite hole as I described, the body was not present. Only heartbeat sensation, sensation in the head. No such thing as body. Now I even laugh, because it is absurd: body seems like an image to me now. The collapse does not make me feel bad, but somehow my logical mind tells me, maybe I need to take some precautions? I am not familiar with the body changes which seem to occur to me.
So this is the only question I have. I know that I have to do a lot of reading, but I also remember Leo saying to not be stuck in the reading and do practice and self-inquiry.
One unique thing about me:
It seems I have an extreme focusing ability. Since childhood I practiced staring at objects, my mother said I was sitting in meditation poses without breathing.
Also, I started to do yoga, 2 months ago with some breathing exercises. Found local community, with surprisingly conscious teacher She is like a mother.
Also, I never took psychedelics, since it is difficult to get them in my country. I don't want to get along with people, who can deliver it to me.
One more thing. I feel a little bit of shame, but before meditating today I built my sexual energy. I watched porn, visualized, but no cumming. I did not cum for 2 weeks as of today. After that, I almost feel the energy coming to my spine. Very very effective, but very difficult, I am getting better at that. Thinking about it, maybe I can't do it, because my body will indeed collapse?
I am going to sleep, though I feel like the body somehow will collapse. Though after writing about the amulet, I do have a bracelet on my left hand (red rope with an eye). I don't know if it is dark night of the soul. It is more like an actual belief that my body will collapse, though I don't feel fear.
Also, I love Leo. He is like a father to me. I wrote to him like 4 years ago, doubting my career choice.
I am open to interviews maybe since it is difficult to express my ideas... Since I am tech-savvy I already wanted to start an Instagram account related to business, programming, investment, and also meditation.
5. My physical body was collapsing and most importantly I could not stop it. My logical mind did not stop existing, it somehow recalled the speech from Sadguru, which said that during enlightenment the physical body dies, unless you have some kind of amulet with yourself. The most fascinating part is that I was alright. It did not make any difference. Like complete acceptance. 6. My eyes still closed, it was acceptance. At that moment my logical mind showed images of me being a very old guy, again memories from Sadguru and his enlightenment journey. Still, I was satisfied. The heart did not stop beating crazy, the body was not present at all, heart-pounding was a pure sensation
7. Still, I did not die. Though tears were falling because if it was death even my logical mind was satisfied. I did not fear any sense of fear, I was just crying that such a thing is possible. The thing is that I could stay in that state forever. I did partially lose the sense of time. Partially I refer to like time stops, but still so-called existing, don't know how to refer it. Like I could be satisfied if 100 years passed from this point onwards.
8. I consciously opened my eyes. My body is still shaking, the heartbeat showing 100 beats per second, at the enlightment/awakening moment I did not have an Apple watch, it was charging. it was maybe 180 beats per second.
9. I could not stand correctly. After turning the lights on, some fear from logical mind returned - idea that I will never be able to see. Also, I went to the mirror and somehow expected to look like an old guy ( I am 22 though). Though no emotions from me.
10. I closed my eyes again. Again the world disappears. I then opened my eyes. It felt like if I close my eyes I am dead. It was not fear, but somehow I felt motivated to work on, and don't just die.
So I decided to write it down here since I don't know another community. I am not sure if I am fully enlightened. Though it feels like I can close my eyes and merge again, the feeling is fading. Perhaps I should explore consciousness more. The pain in my heart seems gone, somehow I always believed in healing and I am doing reiki healing together with conventional medicine.
I have just one more question. If it is ok for my physical body to collapse? I can't call it dying, since, in the infinite hole as I described, the body was not present. Only heartbeat sensation, sensation in the head. No such thing as body. Now I even laugh, because it is absurd: body seems like an image to me now. The collapse does not make me feel bad, but somehow my logical mind tells me, maybe I need to take some precautions? I am not familiar with the body changes which seem to occur to me.
So this is the only question I have. I know that I have to do a lot of reading, but I also remember Leo saying to not be stuck in the reading and do practice and self-inquiry.
One unique thing about me:
It seems I have an extreme focusing ability. Since childhood I practiced staring at objects, my mother said I was sitting in meditation poses without breathing.
Also, I started to do yoga, 2 months ago with some breathing exercises. Found local community, with surprisingly conscious teacher She is like a mother.
Also, I never took psychedelics, since it is difficult to get them in my country. I don't want to get along with people, who can deliver it to me.
One more thing. I feel a little bit of shame, but before meditating today I built my sexual energy. I watched porn, visualized, but no cumming. I did not cum for 2 weeks as of today. After that, I almost feel the energy coming to my spine. Very very effective, but very difficult, I am getting better at that. Thinking about it, maybe I can't do it, because my body will indeed collapse?
I am going to sleep, though I feel like the body somehow will collapse. Though after writing about the amulet, I do have a bracelet on my left hand (red rope with an eye). I don't know if it is dark night of the soul. It is more like an actual belief that my body will collapse, though I don't feel fear.
Also, I love Leo. He is like a father to me. I wrote to him like 4 years ago, doubting my career choice.
I am open to interviews maybe since it is difficult to express my ideas... Since I am tech-savvy I already wanted to start an Instagram account related to business, programming, investment, and also meditation.