I am on my second day in camp. At the start, I was friendly to everyone, and slowly slowly I'm getting tired from those interactions. It's like I don't have a problem meeting people, but maintaining is what's hard for me. Anyways, I've been feeling a bit down tonight. Even the shy kid that I've befriended seems to be opening up more and more, and throughout the whole time it seemed he is in his own world, his first person perspective. Now he is more talkative to others and is more authentic and seems genuinely enjoying himself. Oh, and he also plays video games on his laptop in the room. In contrast to him, I have been talkative at the beginning, and now, when people are starting to know each other better I'm getting back into my fucking homeostasis! I really did believe I changed. I actually did, but reverted a bit. I am having a hard time connecting to my own true thoughts and opinions and saying them, and I believe it is because I am so bad at group conversations and I feel I always need to protect myself and be heard and not ignored or interrupted, that I fear going deep into my true thoughts because of the potential damage if someone interrupts me. One defense mechanism I use is to try to be talkative at the start and give a persona of a leader, knows how to talk with others, friendly. Now that I've built those appearances it is easy for me to handle the situation and future interactions, for the short-term, little did I know. I found it surprisingly hard to talk to some other people and to talk more with others I've barely talked with. And I'm telling you, I did not run away or stay in the room to avoid social interaction like this kid, but tried to get myself out. Now I'm fucked and I don't know why. Without being aware I still might be faking a persona of someone confident, strong, can handle the big guys, is good with women. Fuck me. Why is it that always I'm putting in all the effort at the start to always end up feeling the shittiest. I just want to be happy and easy going with others, but from a sense of giving and wanting to add value while being full in myself, rather than feeling like I have a hole I need to fill by interaction with others. Just for your information I'm friendly with this guy, but I envy that he is opening up while being centered and not neurotically faking a strong persona just to feel worse afterwards, like I did. Also, people are starting to interact with him more as they are trying to befriend him and as he is befriending others. I on the other hand feel like some are less talking to me and I get a weird vibe (one kid comes to mind, probably the most liked one. Not because he is alpha or something, but because he is quite philosophical, "spiritual" and talks about life and seems confident in a not neurotic way. Something about him triggers me a bit even though he is chill, but it still tends to come when he comes to mind). I also tend to be a bit of a nice guy, even though I've been working on it a bit. I am getting this unpleasant feeling I'm behind the curve. Some people also just seem to be easy going with everyone and everyone wants to be with them just because of their personality. Sometimes I just have enough of it and it's overwhelming that I just have to sit here and write it so that I can get it off, gain awareness and understanding of this leeching problem. I would appreciate if I could get help maybe from you since I know you know a lot about this topic, and also from others. How do I deal with this, it fucking frustrates me, thanks. @Eph75 @Nahm