Attraction Doesn't Exist in a Vacuum Part 1: Being Swarmed by One Rigid Standard This is something I've been meaning to write about more. I know I already talked about some of this when it comes to being sexual vs being sexualized. but I want to get into this more because it just hit more intensely than usual as I've been readjusting to my school atmosphere. There are two factors in this and that is race and body image as well as how they intersect. Here are a couple things that are relevant. The first is from this journal and the second is in my regular journal.  I'm going to start with the body image thing first because I feel like that effects me more. Like I said, there aren't really any thicc people on this campus. Lack of diversity culturally is one thing but when it comes to everyone being more or less the same body type, that's a different level of weird. And that same body type is really REALLY skinny. Basically on this campus if your stomach isn't flat, you're basically considered fat. There is a huge diet culture here as well. It isn't uncommon for people to gain weight during college due to life style change (often called the Freshman 15) like not eating home cooked meals, not having gym class, drinking and partying a little more etc. Well, here, you don't get the Freshman 15. You better have a Freshman Negative 15. Also I know that in a couple of sororities there is a requirement to go to the gym because god forbid yall are known as the sorority with girls that aren't as pretty. Granted, I'm not in that scene socially but that vibe definitely permeats throughout the whole school. Also there is this huge things with thinness and dieting with upper middle class to upper class white people. I'm really referencing the shit out of something I wrote months ago but it's relevant af: But yeah. Throughout this week I caught myself comparing myself to most of the girls in this school. I can't even claim to be a curvier or bigger girl realistically but by the standards of this school, I might as well be. The main things that stuck out to me is me comparing arm sizes, obviously my lack of flat stomach, and my boobs. Dead ass I didn't know how big my tits were until I first starting attending here. There is a part of me that feels really vulgar and chunky for a lack of a better word. The stomach thing is just a really big insecurity of mine in general. And the arms thing, it's something that I used to be really insecure about but now a days it comes up every now and then. But the thing that surprised me what how I started feeling insecure about my legs mainly because I normally really like the way my legs look. My legs are a little thick compared to the rest of my body, has a nice shape (I think lol) and is well toned/ muscular. But on this campus, I feel like more people have skinny legs that look more elongated if that makes sense. And in comparison, I find myself feeling chunky which doesn't make sense because my legs are muscular.  Which then leads into the race thing. I hate to admit this but something that I notice is that I find this subtle feeling of insecurity creep in when I'm around tall skinny white women. Bonus points if she's blonde with blue or green eyes. This feeling is really subtle to where I don't notice like 90% of time unless I was trying to be mindful. But in this case in a predominantly white school with an emphasis on thinness, this feeling isn't as subtle because I feel swarmed by this exact type of woman. And it has to be all three factors. White skinny women don't affect me. Tall skinny women of color don't affect me. White short women don't affect me. It has to be tall skinny white women. The way I feel when I'm being swarmed lol is that I feel like the awkward chubby brown kid who hasn't gone through puberty. Which doesn't make much sense because I think one look at me would be enough to know that I'm a grown ass woman. I guess it is this feeling of being the  opposite of this type of woman that is often pointed to as the standard of beauty. I think this feeling of infantilization comes from how this reminds me of my childhood experiences and how people simply labeled me as ugly. It's like I turn into that kid again even though it's been like a decade since I encountered that type of treatment.  While to body image thing kicks in immediately, the race thing comes in slowly. I remember at one time I caught myself thinking, "oh I'm pretty but I'm not pretty in this environment." The best way I can explain it is that I know that I'm beautiful but here I'm very aware that I'm not the standard. And that leads to me feeling like *yes I can accept myself but I highly doubt other people see me in the same way.* It's this feeling of invisibility, like knowing that I'm not the image that comes to mind when someone envisions their type. Like when people talk about "what's your type, do you like blondes, brunettes, or redheads?" I know damn well that women of color can have all of those hair colors naturally but I feel like when someone asks that question, there is this unspoken but understood notion that we're talking about white women. And when women of color come into the picture, there is this notion of fetishization and being othered out which is a topic of it's own. And while I've long been aware of Eurocentric standards of beauty, because of the conformity culture and the homogeneity on this campus, it takes those standards to an extreme. There is a very specific way of being considered beautiful and/or attractive. I think all of this goes back to this whole notion of how I don't even see myself as an option when it comes to dating and relationships.  But on the bright side, at least I don't attract Nazis because I'm don't exactly look like Hitler's wet dream. (I have met full on Nazis on this campus and I have this one blonde haired, blue eyed acquaintance who would occasionally be approached by really creepy conservative/fascist white guys). And that's a problem I will never have lol thank god.