I had OCD with missions. I had been suffering for 14 years constantly because of these missions. I went to psychotherapists and swallowed antidepressants, meditated and none of them helped. I went to psychoanalysis and it revealed I had repressed my passive homosexuality which allegedly caused my missions. I was devastated for 2 months. Then I figured out I am not gay and my homosexuality is repressed.  I was so scared of my passive homosexuality, I declared a war on my active homosexuality which is mainly in my fantasies and is 10 years old and I had sex with shemales and feminine gays 6 times in last 10 years. I wanted to get rid of my active homosexual desires although during these 10 years I always approved them. It is absurd that I knew I will never be pure heterosexual or asexual, but still I chose to not accept my 10 years old active homosexuality and chose to suffer. It is absurd that in order to be happy I did my best to accept my passive homosexuality, because I knew I cant escape it. But I never tried to accept my active homosexuality, although I knew I cant escape it. It is totally absurd. I had such a hysteria “I dont want to be bisexual, I dont want to be bisexual”, I told my parents about my active homosexuality and my homosexual experiences and this absurd hysteria lasted for 70 days. After 70 days I suddenly felt fear and then I figured out what an absurd I was doing. I was fighting against my harmless lovely 10 years old active homosexuality. Why? I still dont know. It was absurd and it was first time I experienced such a thing. Since then I suffer tremendously because I told my parents about my active homosexuality, which was secret for 10 years. Of course they did not approve it but still did not make me upset. I feel like there is a spot in my soul. My heterosexual image I had since my childhood got destroyed. I lost my connection with my parents. They told me they still see me as heterosexual and I just made mistakes, but I still feel awful. They should have never know my secret, but I told them with my own mouth because of this absurd.  I almost lost my job which I had for 8 years. I am mentally crippled. I cant do even very basic things. I do my best to accept the situation and dont care anything, but it is not up to me. I cant eat, sleep normally, I cant sit. I always walk and think about that absurd which caused me to tell my parents about my homosexuality. How come I did not accept my active homosexuality? But I accepted it 10 years ago. How come I tried my best to accept passive homosexuality which was devastating for me but I did my best not to accept my active homosexuality which I always cherished?  Since January I am in a constant suffering (2 months passive homosexuality concern which disappeared because the urges disappeared, 70 days active homosexuality concern which I dont know why even started because during these 10 years I always approved it, and 3 months telling my parents about my active homosexuality concern which still lasts.) My father got angry at my psychoanalyst and told him not to have psychoanalysis with me. He got scared and agreed. Now I am looking for a place where they can heal me. Meditation, psychoanalysis, different therapies and etc. Utopia. My sense of self hurts so much. If this absurd did not happen, I would be very happy and grateful for going to psychoanalysis. But this absurd happened, I lost my mind and attacked my active homosexuality (and I knew I would lose) and told my parents my 10 years old secret. I cant accept it I told them about my secret. I feel uneasiness, as if there is an eternal spot in my soul. I feel huge discomfort. I lost connection with my parents. My heterosexual image collapsed. My world collapsed. I feel like I will stay like this forever. I feel like I will never be happy because my parents know I had sex with men. My sense of self hurts so much. Is there a place where I can heal? Psychologists and psychotherapies will not help me.