By Gili Trawangan
in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God,
This is an account of a retreat I did this past weekend, where I took Ayahuasca for two consecutive nights and 5meo-dmt in between. It was my first experience with either of these substances. The experience did not last two nights, it lasted life-times. I will never be able to express how profound it was, but I will nevertheless try my best to share pieces of it. If I can express a small portion of what it was like, it will be enough.
The house where the retreat was held was lovely, with a large backyard, weather conditions were perfect. The house itself was large, rustic and heavily decorated with Christian paraphernalia, including a big statue of Jesus that the organizers said they wanted to clear away from the room but was too heavy. The idea was to not have a religious vibe that could affect people’s experiences, but in the end it made no difference to anybody. It sure looked heavy J
The connection that the six participants ended up creating was very deep. People from all walks of life, with different life stories and perspectives and levels of consciousness, but all were pretty much transformed by the end of the retreat.
One of them was a pretty girl who I found to be my mirror. How much we have in common is frightening. I didn’t know I could have deep talks with someone I’m attracted to, but yes it is possible. I was actually talking to someone who Knows. It was both exciting and comforting.
First round of Ayahuasca: being born again
There were mattresses on the floor and a few candles lit. Buckets for purging are handed out in the beginning. They recommend closing your eyes after taking it. It tasted weird and was very thick, they had to add water to the glasses after taking the shot, cause you couldn’t drink it all as a result of the thickness. After about one hour they ask you if you want a second dose. Everybody went for the second dose.
I have little memory of that first night. I know that I was really enjoying the fractals and the visuals as I heard the first few people puking. I remember thinking “why are they puking? This is so good and funny”. Not long after that, I felt a revolt in my stomach that was prompted by the choice of song. I hadn’t realized that the music was helping create the entire experience. I’ve always taken psychedelics in silence, but these guys use music and it can be spectacular. The trip was getting deeper. I went for the bucket and took a long time before I could purge. The purge was a birth. As the puke finally left the body I was infinity and not a person. That’s what you’re purging, you’re letting go of what you are not.
Then it’s clear to me that none of this is a coincidence, I was summoned here and so were all the others. I see it clearly, we are supposed to be here, these exact people were supposed to meet inside of the dream.
5meo-dmt aka Bufo Alvarius: not yet, sir
In the afternoon of the following day, two of us sign up for 5meo-dmt. We’re going to smoke it, and I’m extremely nervous. The other guy does it first, and as soon as he smokes and they gently throw him to the ground I see that he’s gone. I get even more nervous, shit. My breathing is all over the place, I start asking questions. They say “just trust us”. But when it’s my turn to smoke I’m too nervous to do it properly. I keep swallowing the smoke, and I forget to keep it in for longer. It’s a dud.
When I see that nothing is happening I feel so frustrated. The ego is all over the place, angry: “I fucking came here to meet God!”, and I look like a kid whose toy has been stolen. After about an hour of this, I let go. Maybe I wasn’t ready. Trust it, if it wasn’t meant to be it wasn’t meant to be… and I come back to the present moment and enjoy my time with the others. I have another great chat with the girl, by the time the chat is over I’ve developed a crush.
Second round of Ayahuasca: God is Infinite Love
I take the first dose of Ayahuasca and within 15 minutes I know something big is going to happen. It hits me like a truck, the come up is so fast that I immediately know that I won’t be able to take the second dose within the hour. I feel the urge to pee, but I’ve been told to shut my eyes and stay there. It’s coming too fast, I can go pee and it will be ok. I’m finding excuses to run away from it. I go to the bathroom and I take my time, I wash my hands, I go back, I want to keep my eyes open, I’m afraid to close them. The visuals start with my eyes open, I realize that I’m terrified and I’m trying to wait it out. The come up continues, there is nowhere to run to. I go back to the room and the fear rises. I tell the facilitator, “I don’t feel good”, he comes with me to the bathroom. I’m scared shitless now, and I tell him “I’m so afraid!”, he tries to calm me down but he’s really not convincing, I sit inside the bathroom by myself and hope for the best. I realize there’s nothing I can do, I’m going to die today. It’s a deep knowing that doesn’t materialize into an actual thought. I go back into the room and tell myself that I just have to take it. I try telling myself that I’m safe, and it works for some time, but then the awareness of being in a retreat and having facilitators and other people around vanishes. There is only death, and it’s overwhelmingly frightening. It’s also a slow death, because I’m disappearing and fighting it all the way through. It’s suffering of the worst kind, it’s the process of dying and not surrendering to it. “I’m not ready! Please make this go away, I’m really not ready! Please God, another day, not this moment, not now!” I want to puke and make it go away, but nothing comes, only burping. My head is inside the bucket and I cling to anything I can. First, the sounds of the room. “It’s going to be ok”, but it’s not. Everything disappears, my body disappears. The last thing I cling to is her face. Her face appears in the midst of all those fractals and all of those visuals. Her face gives me solace. But even this must go, and it does. There’s one last moment of surrender, I accept death as there is no choice.
Infinity. And then there is a never-ending play where God unveils himself, that is, I unveil myself to myself. It has always been You. There was never anything else, only You. I Am Everything and Nothing. I am all things, and yet there are no things. I laugh and cry, as I am finally shown Who and What I Am. And when there is a moment of awareness of the room again, I see my head come out of the bucket and hear myself say “You got punked by God”. That’s what it feels like, it’s a joke. All of it is a joke, pretending to be human (and successfully too). And in that moment you laugh at your own gullibility and you laugh at the marvelous divine absurdity of it all.
But God is not done with me. Next, it feels like my heart is being pried open with a crow bar. And waves of Love hit me. And I know that God is Love. And I cry from all the beauty, and I know that Love is all there is. Manifestation is Love. This is not seen or understood, it is FELT and seen and understood all at once. My heart opens like it never has in this lifetime. It has always been Love. It’s endless. And when you think that it’s not possible that there is more, more waves of Love hit you, and more, and more. It’s too much to handle, it’s just too much, it’s exhausting. I pray for mercy “please, no more”, and every time I pray for mercy I feel more Love. It’s TOTAL. It’s ABSOLUTE. It’s INFINITE. Every time I say I’ve had enough, it gives me more until ALL is LOVE.
Whenever a strong emotion hits me now, I hear her crying harder. We are connected. My soul and hers are connected, I don’t know how to explain it, it is felt. My love for her is temporarily separated from all the Love for everything. It feels like falling into it, oh shit. My love for her is so big now that it hurts. I feel that even though she’s crying, these are beautiful loving tears. It's so profound and beautiful.
But it’s not over. Besides Infinite Love, the Godhead is also Infinite Intelligence. I start to receive insight after insight at a supersonic speed. I understand so much, things I never thought were possible to ever comprehend. There are so many insights at once that there’s no way I’ll be able to remember them when I go back. But that’s ok. That’s the final insight, and this one actually stays with me. I am CONSCIOUSLY choosing to forget. That’s it, it’s a conscious CHOICE. I chose to forget that I’m God, I chose to have this experience, suffering is an illusion, everything is perfect just as it is. When I think I’m suffering I’m deluded and it doesn’t matter, it’s still Love. There is only Love. When I am in doubt, I am deluded and that’s ok too. It adds to the experience, it adds to the fun.
My heart is now open, and full, time to go back to the dream. As I become more aware of the room, there is an image of my mother. She’s ill and may not have that much time left. I wish I could share this with her, I wish she could know that she doesn’t have to be afraid, there is nothing to fear. And then I’m somehow put in her shoes. I see from her eyes, I literally feel her love for me, her son. And it hurts so much that I never gave her enough affection, there is so much shame and pain, it’s so much that I can’t stop crying, I’m so sorry. Her love for me is so immense, so unconditional. Her heart is so big and beautiful, I’m overwhelmed with emotion. The pain is unbearable, but there is release and then forgiveness. I did what I knew how. I didn’t know any better, I didn’t understand. My heart was closed, there’s nothing to regret.
When the process is over, I’m exhausted. What an amazing thing this is, the last sense is of so much gratitude. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
The days that follow the retreat are a surge of emotion, sometimes I think back to the experience and I burst out in tears. There is no ground to stand on, infinity has no ground. There is yet much to learn as an ego. And yet there is this profound knowing, in the heart, that everything is already fine.