@Wekz Shit, man. You situation is a real hardcore stuff and I truly sorry about that! I want to tell you a little story about my friend: He’s also in his 20’s. We’ve met each other at the Bufo Alvarius retreat. We’ve smoked substance from a frog, which produces 5-MeO-DMT and he was making me jealous about his results. When I smoked it I was screaming and yelling, rolling on the ground and he, vice versa, was happy, laughing, smiling, watching at the horizon and screaming “I LOVE YOU!!!”. He also was getting a master degree at philosophy and teaching it already to British students. He is Indian, and lived with his parents in Palestine till his 18th. Couple month after we’ve get to know each other he’s went an Ayahuasca retreat and told me about what happened with him while he’s tripping. But before I’ll tell you what he said I need to explain a little bit of he’s background: These guy was born from the women with a bipolar disorder. Till the last day of his life at the parents house his mother beat, verbally and emotionally abused him and his sister. Also there was a preacher, who regularly came to their house and when he was a young boy he was really in love to hear those interesting stories from the holy teachings. At the age of six the preacher sexually seduced a little curious boy. We won’t went into the deep waters but I guess you are like nobody else can understand what had to happen inside of the body and mind of the boy and than the young man. So, back to the Ayahuasca retreat. These liquid psychedelic is known for its Healing powers and I myself experienced it (substance got me through the forgotten scene from my childhood, where my mom fucked with her boyfriend at our one-room apartment). So he was telling me, that at the peak of the trip he was at the absolute peace in somewhere/nowhere where he repeatedly heard “I Am. I Am. I Am” and then he experienced (for him that was Real) his own birth — from the womb to the maternity ward. A Doctor, his mother and father were before his eyes and also there were a clear understanding that everybody is him itself. It was a fact, a reality. And than he asked (he felt that there was somebody to ask): “But why those people, if they are me, bring to me so much pain?” And something answered: “I made myself suffer to be able to experience a deeper compassion (to those who went through similar kind of pain)”.   I don’t know how you are, but I’ve felt that this is so true and so obvious. Do you think he will ever experienced the deep awakening to Absolute Love through psychedelic retreat somewhere in Barcelona if he’ll never went through this hell? Do you think he’ll ever able to become so wise and deeply compassionate to others? So good at understanding existence and so creative (he’s playing at the guitar and singing very good)? Of course, there is a chance that he’ll get there without all that hell, but it’s very rare even for those who’s suffer. Chances of that for regular guy are very low. So, I’ve shared that with you because I truly believe that really dark things can make you an angel and you’ll become the happiest non-motherfucker in the world!!! Good luck, man! I really believe that you are hero and will deal with that. I’m also agree with @Leo Gura that psychedelics can help you went through that pain and Lear the lessons faster. I think, with your background, that even if you’ll got a bad trip (which isn’t necessary) it won’t be a big deal for ya ? Also I have an other friend, which went through similar stuff — his alcoholic mother has tried to touch his dick, while he was helping her to get out of binge at her apartment. He’s not so openminded for psychedelics, but he went to the psychotherapist and that was helping him a lot. BTW, I will ask my friend (from Ayahuasca story), maybe he will find some time to talk with you and share some real experience from his own life on how to deal with that heavy stuff.   Love you, man! P.s. Check the story from the guy who has lost his legs ( timing 6:03) And also check this out - life is hard: