I'm realising this sense of being lost, far from home, abandoned, hopeless, has followed me throughout my life. It's popped up in all sorts of moments of uncertainty. Or just in winter, when the days get short and they are way too dark. But perhaps it has just been amplified by winter and circumstances. It's always been a companion when I travelled alone. Let's try something different.   3 The disturbance is a profound feeling of being lost, abandoned by parents, forgotten at the supermarket, far from home. It makes me on the verge of crying. It upsets my stomach and causes tension and a contracted sensation in the body. It makes it hard to look around and perceive my environment. The more I sense about my environment, the more sad I get. Retreating inward is my default reaction to mitigate it. It is the feeling of being forgotten on a train as a child, riding to unknown, unfriendly places, and being too frozen to ask anyone for help. It makes me weak in situation where others would be strong. It totally overshadows my confidence. It makes it hard to think and see clearly.   2 Hi, profound feeling of being lost, forgotten, and abandoned. I respect how powerful you are. Why won't you leave me alone? Because you haven't learnt to live without me yet. What does that mean? you know. No, I don't think I do. I think I am much more powerful than how you are making me feel. I don't feel that way. Then how are you feeling? Like no one's listening to me. Ok. Let me listen to you then. What is it you want to express? I feel alone because I was alone. I feel abandoned because I was abandoned. I feel frozen because I was frozen. When were you frozen? Before. I was frozen before .. time started for you. Are you saying you are older than me? Much, much older. Can you tell me how old? Ask me what you really want to know. You're right, I'm sorry. What I really want to know, is: how do I get rid of you? I'm sorry that you want to get rid of me. I'm sorry I hurt you. I hurt by just existing. I am in constant pain. You ignore me in the summer, and then you ignore me harder in the winter. I'm sorry I tried to get rid of you. I just didn't want to feel the way you are feeling. Guess we have that in common. What are you here to help me with? Coping with loss. You have no idea how to cope with loss. You distract yourself. And then when you lose something, you cry one time and then pound yourself on the chest for how emotionally healthy you are. Yikes, I see what you mean. I guess I just don't like being sad. But I do like learning things and then talking about them. I know you do, but sometimes it is time to slow down. Take time for yourself. Feel this. I don't buy it. We do this dance every winter. When are we done? Never. What are you here to tell me? That you can't control anything. If I decide we're not feeling well today, then that's what's up. What would make you happy? Listening. Reading me stories. Warm socks. Cuddling in bed. Sigh. If I give that to you, then can you stop making me feel so bad? I want you to want to. What you did today was nice, but it was a manipulation. You think you can just get rid of me, shut me up, by throwing me a bone. Okay, I think I get it. I want to want to take care of you. But what would help me, is to know who you are? I'm YOU. I'm the you that you left behind when you wanted to be popular and cool. You pushed me away, and I have been tugging at you ever since. 1 I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I want my mommy. I'm not okay on my own. I'm left here in this classroom with mean kids, MEAN kids, I can't go anywhere for help. Teachers won't help, they don't care. I've been sent on this school trip and I feel abandoned. I'm in this foreign place, everything looks unfamiliar and ugly and menacing. Things look evil. I am ancient. I am the ancient abandonment. In this lifetime, in this instant, I am living through betrayal by teachers, being sent to survive before I was ready, with a bunch of mean kids I don't understand, with my parents out of reach. I'm being cornered, bullied and ignored, the girls laugh at me for crying. No one cares about me. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. * crying break * Okay kid. We can go home. I take the kid out of his bed, throw away the energy drinks he had in an attempt to be accepted, and hug him. Then I carry him to the front of the living room, where the girl betrayed his trust by making everyone watch him cry. I give everyone a stern talking to, telling them to look in themselves and raise their hand if they never felt sad and out of place somewhere. And it turns into a lovely conversation, where even the bullies come forward saying they didn't mean it that way. But we still go home. He never wanted this class trip. He would much rather play in the forest, with his buddy. So I take him there. There's trees, a goat, one friend, and just nature and his parents' caravan. Space to play and a space to come home to. That's a real vacation for him.