Note: I originally wrote this in Swedish and then used google translate and then cleaned it up. Some of the language might be a bit dry and artificial because of this. Dosage: 10 Psilocybe Semilanceata in a piece of chocolate Duration: about 3 hours About me: Third time using psychedelics. I do some Taoist sexual practices. I like the Gurdjieff Work but am no blind follower.    I had been shopping with my wife during the day, doing quite common things, but I knew that psychedelic things would happen later. I had tried not to eat too much the same day, mostly salad and food low on carbs. However, I did eat some frozen yogurt at the mall a few hours before tripping. I usually try to fast the day I do psychedelics, but it went well anyway this time, although I felt a bit ill at the end.   Preparation: My wife left home. I cleaned up in the home studio / medicine room. I noticed that I was quite annoyed by a lot of small things. That the room was messy. That I had to go back and forth to put things in their right place. That my wife, L, did not leave the house at once, as she’d first said she would. When she finally left and I got everything in order, I decided to dance and release a little negativity. I put on Far Memory by Ozric Tentacles and jumped about. The song is quite long so I was very tired by the end, and I felt better.  I thought to myself: “we are technology”. Us humans - we have emotions that get created from our interpretations of our understanding of the world, and these emotions create blockages in the body that you can get rid off by dancing. That's how crazy it is. Not to mention what kind of technology mushrooms are. The Earth, humans, nature, the universe. It's all technology. Then I went into the studio and lay down. I had decided to lay down the entire trip this time, not starting in a meditative sitting posture. I was lying on the floor and looked up at the ceiling lights. The one who was centered in my field of vision looked suspiciously much like an eye from the angle I was looking at it from. But it was a vertical eye, as the third eye is usually drawn. How appropriate. (They were dimmed to the max, I was not staring into a full strength lamp the entire time, that would have been ridiculous. It was a Philips Hue tinted slightly reddish) Before I indulged in my shroom-chocolate, I listened to Gaia's Song by Tom Kenyon. I tried to focus only on the music and my lamp. It felt like the trip has already begun. I went through states of deep focus, deep thoughts and insights, impatience, relaxation, etc. Then it was time.   Ceremony: I drank some hot lemon water (a whole lemon in the cup, I’ve heard it acts as an amplifier). I said the following sentence out loud: “I live in truth and serve truth". And then made a sound with my Tingsha cymbals. I had decided to work according to Martin Ball’s recommendations in his book Entheogenic Liberation. Therefore, I had no special intention, no special answer I was trying to get, no issue to resolve. My only task was to relax and allow, to remain open and neither resist nor control the energy. Just to be open and present.   It begins I was lying down. For some reason, I was extremely disappointed right from the start. It took a while for something to happen (30 mins?) I was annoyed and angry and disappointed that nothing happened. I had decided and I knew that there would not be more. I was frustrated that I was not in a position to get my own psychedelics, that I had to rely too much on getting it from others. I was frustrated that I only had such a weak dose, when it's so rarely that I get the chance to take anything at all. The first sign that stuff was happening was that suddenly it was only me and the lamp I was looking at. Everything else became black and disappeared. Although things started to happen, the effects felt too weak, even though I waited a good while. I thought “damn, it will not be stronger than this, this will just be me lying on the floor meditating with a little extra boost. There won’t be any getting swept away into other dimensions by the strong currents of the Fungi.” So I had a very negative attitude, and I don’t remember when it disappeared. But slowly but surely the effects of the shrooms became stronger. After a while, I drifted between being in a half-dream state and focusing intensely at the lamp. I always returned to resting in symmetry and looking at the lamp. Somewhere in the beginning of the trip when the effects were coming on, strange sounds came out of me. They were like sighs and moans that were extended and transformed into a long note. I tried not to halt or control it, I just listened to it, and then it just carried on. It became a song, a new kind of voice I did not know I possessed. A relaxed airy tone that reminded me of Tom Kenyon. I like to write long deep trip rapports about all my revalations and visions and insights but I feel I have less of those now with Martin Ball’s more grounded approach. There were several occasions when I could feel visions and insights were coming on, deep sentences that I wanted to write down. But, as I did not let myself be fooled and distracted, there was not much that stuck in my head. Almost everything is a distraction from being.  I remember that I realized that I knew and understood everything already. But if I started thinking about what it was that I actually understood, then it went wrong, it was unnecessary, just structures of meaning that collapsed. When the energy of your mind (or put otherwise, your thoughts) reflect or align with your body and heart and being, nothing needs to be said or thought. Everything was just one big affirmation - YES. This is what is. Then Alexander Bard came up (Swedish media profile and philosopher). I have thought a lot about him and about his syntheism and what personal objections I have on it and how I would try to formulate my understanding in a way that he can absorb and develop his explanatory models. The mushrooms helped me realize that the best words I could use to articulate what I had thought so much about where: "Alexander Bard, I'd just like to say that I'm an idiot." A very good summary! I’m just another human idiot who thinks too much and believes he understands something that means something. Then I thought about how I’m always having trouble with relating to other people. My own thoughts and interests are getting in the way, my state of mind is often working on something internally and is not open for dealing with others efficiently, and then it's my wife's own thoughts and worries that get in the way, plus her pregnancy plus our baby and toddler life in general. I did not know I was so sad about this.  I had watched porn during the week and L and I had watched a burlesque movie the night before my trip, so I anticipated that those things would manifest in my subconscious in some way, maybe as surreal erotic nightmares like I had in my last trip. But instead, I saw that all this sexual stuff I’m interested in was a longing for our two hearts to meet, I felt it was just in my heart that the sorrow and emptiness sat, and it made me very unhappy. I cried huge tears, like an inconsolable child, I cried so much that I almost screamed. Then I started to laugh like crazy, the beautiful insane laughter I only hear myself make while I’m on mushrooms. There are at least two different varieties of it. One sounds more like wuuhuuhuhuhu and one is more tense, like a cramping old man. Then I cried a lot again. It came and went until I had squeezed out every tear drop I had. I was surprised because lately I’ve been thinking more and more about open relationships, about how strange monogamy is, and that I want us be able to be open to each other about seeing others, so I thought I wan’t very clingy in our relationship. But now it turns out that what I really want is us to be so much closer to each other. I want us to love truly and truthfully. Beyond all barriers and boundaries. I want us to meet on the deepest possible level. I want us to trip together and fuck. And that’s just an example, it’s not like that's the goal, I just want us to be able to take away the robes that are our personalities and be genuine and loving and present with each other. There were several periods of strong energy movements along my spine, shaking in the head, strong shakings in my jaw (which was unexpected, I have never experienced those before), the tongue moved around inside the mouth and on the outside. My entire back swayed a lot, and sometimes stayed that way for a very long time. It felt unbelievable that it could move so sternly entirely by itself, without me doing anything, so I had to check several times that I really did not move it using my will, and I did not. Sometimes my whole body shook, but most of the time my legs were quite still. My hand wrists rotated, it was very nice and relaxing. At one point I felt orgasmic energy flowing upward from my hip along the spine up to T11, the middle of the spine. It was euphoric. A big calming light, time stopped. But it was not an orgasm. I think I could’ve steered myself into an inner orgasm but because I decided to remain relaxed in symmetry without controlling the energy, such sexual phenomena subsided before they reached any climax. (Worth noting that at the moment I had not ejaculated for 26 days, and I had had intercourse once without ejaculating and sublimating the energy afterwards. In other words, I had built up a lot of sexual energy, otherwise my energetic experiences would probably not have been as strong) Somewhere in the middle of it all, I realized that every time I returned to "doing nothing" after noticing that I’d been distracted, I always tried to center myself somewhere around a point in the middle of my chest. But then I remembered that “doing nothing” is not located anywhere in the chest. There is no center, no specific location for any I. At one point I let our cat inside the medicine room. It was after my first wee break. (What a joy it was to pee! I felt my feet on the ground. The feeling of my fingers touching my pants when I pulled down the zipper. The sound of the pee when it hit the toilet water. The beautiful poster above the toilet. How could not you love this, how could you not be completely fulfilled and absorbed by having a wee? It was wonderful.) Well, when I was done, I heard our cat whining outside our front door, he wanted to come in. I let him inside the medicine room and went to lie down on the floor again. He ran around in the room and cried loudly, I thought that this wouldn’t do at all. He finally sat on me, and his warmth and purring was soothing and pleasant, but it only lasted a few seconds, then he wanted to leave the room, he started to run around again and make loud annoying noises. I let him out of the medicine room and he started to do the same thing in the rest of the house, running around and whining. He would not calm down so I threw him back out into the cold. He had gotten his chance. Usually, I feel full of frustration when I throw him out but this time I was full of compassion. I had really tried to make it work but he didn’t want to cooperate and I didn’t want to let him interfere with my inner work. I went back inside the medicine room and again entered my neutral relaxed position. I thought about what it entails to be human. Why are we forced to make such decisions that affect innocent cats? It’s how the world we inhabit operates. Somewhere after this I had my katharsis moment. I looked up and the room looked pretty much normal. I understood that I had processed the required amount of stuff for this time, the rest of the trip was free for myself to enjoy. I stayed in my position for a while and rested in symmetry. It was demanding, I felt finished and wanted to stand up and do something else. But I knew it's one of the tricks of ego, the ego's energetic structure wants to do things all the time, and instead of moving into it, I just remained where I was for a while. After a while of doing this I decided that I would stand up, eat some food and then go to bed. I rang my Tingshas again and felt that I could now allow myself to do whatever I wanted. What a gift! The gift of life! We all have our free will to live our lives just the way we want. I went outside and smoked a cigarette. I felt loving and grateful and free. I reflected on what I had been through. How my thoughts always want to create sentences and explanatory models that are completely meaningless and a waste of time. An sentence came up in my head: "Wisdom!? What nonsense!" I laughed warmly and a little crazily about those words. They were the perfect summary of my evening. Then I felt that I would like to thank Martin. It’s so amazing that there are other people who have walked the same path, people who are just as much in tune (or much more in tune) with their innermost essence and who can help others experience the deepest sides of their humanity and of life. I decided to send a thank you mail to Martin Ball where I communicated the love I felt. Because I know what kind of guy he is, I was sure that he’d reply and thus I started to write my mail to him in my head at once. When I entered the house again I thought that even though words are just words, and languages are quite meaningless, it's still one of the few means we have to communicate, and without them, I wouldn’t have been able to transmit the following message to mr Martin Ball: "Hi Martin.   I just wanted to say that I love you. I deeply and truly and wholeheartedly appreciate you and love you.   Thank you.   Ps. I love you.   Love / Kazman"   I sat down at my dinner table and was gonna eat. I was a bit unsure if I would like the same things that I usually do, sometimes my taste is not the same on mushrooms, but everything was just better than usual. I noticed at my fourth carrot that I was full and that I only kept on eating mechanically without awareness. I immediately put down the piece of food. I thought that all these different activities: eating things, communicating, meditating, socializing, composing, creates different states of mind, different brainwaves, different ways of operating. No brain condition is better than the others, but some fit certain situations and others fit other situations, and it is important to be aware of how they work and get triggered and when they are appropriate. We are technology. I’ve judging myself lately when I use my phone and felt that I shouldn’t “fiddle around so much with this thing” but the action in itself is not bad, it's only a way to interact with our outside world, to communicate and express ourselves. I could barely stay awake at the table. My body was completely exhausted after shaking so much. I went to bed. I could feel that I had pulled a lot of energy to the top of the head, pai-hui, and to my third eye (even though I hadn’t exercised any pulling, it had happened by itself). Nevertheless, the body continued to move very much. My entire back swayed a lot again. I was very horny. I masturbated a little but did not want to ejaculate. It doesn’t satisfy me, I want something more. It took a long time to fall asleep, my body moved a lot, especially the skull. When I woke up the next morning, Martin responded to my e-mail. He wrote:   "I love you too, Kazman. Thanks for the note     M"   I do not know how to integrate this. I tend to be more focused on getting visions, insights and esoteric wisdom that I then try to integrate in the coming month or so. But now with this new to me approach it's all about trying to process my energy in every moment, always being open and present whatever happens. I guess I'll think about how I can connect more with L, and what I currently do that is preventing me from it.