You can pick up all the flowers, but you can’t stop the spring.” - Pablo Neruda   Background   I have been using ayahuasca for 8 months, and my life has pretty much turned from water to wine. Actually, it has turned from shit to wine, you know? Seriously… I was such a kid before I started taking. And I don’t mean this is a good thing by no means. I was extremely immature and unaware of how Nature works. Sorry to break it to you, but Nature is much more powerful than you will ever be. Your stupid ego will never come close to the true Power of Mother Nature. For this trip specifically, I set the intention of at some point during the trip imagine all areas of my life individually and visualize how can I improve each area. In other words, I decided to face all the negative situations in my life during the trip so that when I got out of it, my subconscious mind would have the right programs (or better: an update to my subconscious mind). Hehe… The theme of the ceremony was very religious in my opinion. Since it was on the Dead’s Day, the collective intention was: rescue souls from the purgatory. I understand what they mean by those “lost souls.” The thing is, these entities (which the indigenous call obsessors) are not outside but inside. After all, all of our ancestors are still alive in us. We cannot exist without the past. So the ticket for human ride includes all the Karma of previous generations. And guess what? We are our ancestors, but we don’t remember it. But…. anyway…. I wanted to avoid looking at my shadow during the trip, but that didn’t work….   Before the Trip   In ayahuasca ceremonies, the people who are going to take it are usually extremely fearful and anxious. This is normal when you are not experienced with the Medicine (which is how ayahuasca is also called). However, as Leo puts on a video, your state of mind before taking any psychedelic interfere in the trip itself. So… What I decided to do was very simple: I decided to practice self-amusement. So I was basically making jokes with my friends, talking a lot with other people, and helping the shamans out. I also practiced Reiki in several people. My main idea was to release my energy before the trip. And it worked.   The Trip Itself   I made a huge mistake: I wanted to stay by the fire. However, it was VERY cold. When the effects of ayahuasca kicked in, I felt as if I had pnemounia. I was in a bad trip. I felt very bad. I was trying to surf through the trip, but I simply had to pull myself out of the “Force” (which is how they call when you are under the effect of ayahuasca). You have to find the most comfort spot when you are using psychedelics, guys…. Anyway, I summoned strength to go inside (even though I was tripping balls), and I decided to simply rest. I felt like I had a huge fever. The coldness from the air plus the fire caused a horrible reaction in my body. So I simply came to the grips that I was going to fuck up the trip and waste it…. A part of me thought: “The lost souls are attacking me.” This, in a way, is true. Because I felt HORRIBLE. I could feel how human beings have lived for millenia. All the comfort we have in modern society is so awesome… I also remembered what Osho said about talking about spirituality in Ethiopia. No…. First we need to take care of our basic needs… However, after some point I got better and was actually able to explore my Inner Universe Heheh…   5 Insights   When you are extremely bored in your house, just distract yourself   I often get hits of utter boredom in my house specially at around 7 PM… I get tense and I am not even able to browse the web, or watch a stupid movie…. Cause I get sooo bad… I simply do things SO RUSHLY. Seriously… sometimes I browse the web in such a neurotic way. Anyway… during the trip, I was picturing myself in my house when I am veeeery bored. When I was doing that, I was resisting diving deep into the feeling of boredom and loneliness and meaninglessness… However… I decided to go all the way through. What came was: simply consciously distract yourself when you are going through a storm of negative and dense emotions. Idk, call a friend, decide to watch South Park… and simply give 0 fucks about how spiritual you are. Haha… So… when bored and tensed, do not overwhelm yourself with more. Relax your body and wait for the storm to pass. This strategy is similar to what Leo talks about in the Masculine vs Feminine video. Women usually like to talk their ways through problem, while men usually like to numb themselves. I am heavily influenced by feminine energy because I grew up with my mom and sister alone. And that has definitely not worked. So… let us move the other way around. Yes… I am telling you to distract yourself. Because, really, to me consciously distracting yourself is nothing less and nothing more than practicing relaxation. You do not have to use 100% of your energy. Actually, you should never use more than 75% of your energy, even if your anxiety is telling you: “YOU SHOULD RUSH!!!!!!!!!” No. Nothing special is supposed to happen.   Self-Amusement: The Key to Overcoming People-Pleasing   I often forget to enjoy myself in life. I take everything so seriously. I take my ideas seriously. I take people seriously. And really… I am fucking tired of fighting social anxiety, shyness, or however you want to call it. This is just a stupid label I have accepted as truth when I was 12. “Oh…! People are telling me that I am shy. Ok… that means I am shy... “ BAM! I believed in a silly idea and that has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. However, it is so natural to have moments that you are shy… but at least in Brazil, people always point out when you are quiet. “Oh what happened????? Why are you so quiet today???” Fuck you. Haha… it is as if I am all shitted, and someone farts at me thinking that the situation will get better… Anyway… do not focus on the reaction of people… the key point is: are you enjoying yourself? If others want to share happiness with you, great! If not, fuck'em -- life goes on. I feel like self-amusement should be one of my top 10 values. It is so fun…   Small Strategic Changes
  I don’t want to change all my life around. Instead, I want to change strategic things, and I allow myself to relax afterwards. A successful person and you basically do the same things, but there are specific actions successful people do that yield 80% of their success.   Examples: > Define my Top 10 Values > Open up my voice (my throat is always tense and my voice is always concentrated on my chest area. > Set priorities   Regarding instilling new small daily habits: discipline your inner child a tiny bit everyday, and then let your innocence play. Finish. Period.   Accept Hell    Accept chaos. You do not need to throw away anything. The Universe knows what it is doing. So even if you are going through hell, realize that it is part of the purification process. If you can be with the chaos and the emotional discomfort with equanimity, it is just a matter of time before you see yourself feeling in Heaven. Life is tricky… it works a lot with contrasts. For example, give a big grin. A huge and forced smile as much as you can. Ok. Now, go the other way around. Totally sad and notice that your mouth goes go all the way down. In other words, a huge smile and a huge frown coexist. The happy face cannot exist without the sad face.   Btw - one of the minor insights I had was to allow myself to make more facial expressions, even if they are “negative.” So really frown my eyebrows and lift my them up when I feel like, I am secretly scared of getting facial expressions...    Just STICK To This Path   Leo usually says that at the end of his videos. Now I understand why he talks so much about that. Your transformation will be totally beyond you. In fact, you will notice that you stop existing after you have clean yourself from all the shit you have build up ever since you were a child. When you empty yourself, Nature starts working through you. Simple as that. So, in a way, just focus on immersing yourself so that your subconscious mind learn through “osmosis.” That is why is so important to have a community of real friends who are more experienced practitioners. Just by being in the presence of some individuals, you learn things on an energetic level. Anyway, the greatest mistake you could do is take yourself too seriously and worry too much about how you are feeling now, today. Do not focus so much on the present moment. Focus more on your vision. So you change your self-talk:

How You Can Change Your Self-Talk    >>>>>>>
  When you change yourself truly, when Nature enters you; you simply feel good. You do not have to prove that you are feeling good. You simply have released your pent up energy, and now you are allowing Nature to work through you. You become a channel of “Divine Will” (as Matt Kahn puts it). Remember: awareness alone is curative. You ain't need to do anything. At some point it will become so obvious that a bad behavior is doing you harm, but you got to be willing to allow yourself to make mistakes. Otherwise, you break the cycle. And you become a slave of your bad habits. Why? Because you repressed them, and when they come back... they come in nastier forms. So... don't hold yourself back. Leo said in a video: We learn by fucking up. That is pretty much true. I am planning to write a trip report of a ceremony I went 4 months ago that I simply embarrassed the shit out of me and basically destroyed the ritual for everyone. I got kicked out from that place, but at least I experienced what it is like to be completely rejected and criticized. Hehe...    If I keep doing all the shit I am doing, I am set for good... Cold showers, ayahuasca ceremonies, daily habit of affirmation, meditation group, Tai Chi, prioritize my work, participate in volunteer programs for children, and cultivate good friendships. I have built momentum to do so much shit... I am set for good. Haha It is just a matter of time…   My next adventure to practice radical action will be taking Kambô, a venom poison that cleanses your whole body. I will write a report of it when I take it (this week or the other).    “You can pick up all the flowers, but you can’t stop the spring.” - Pablo Neruda