Existence Doesn’t Care; It Just Fucking Loves You [ayahuasca Trip Report]

Gabriel Antonio
By Gabriel Antonio,
You co-create each moment. You don’t even know how much power you carry. It is an in-the-moment power. Just by you being an instrument of Peace, you begin to transform the world. Actually, you don’t fucking do anything. Haha. That’s the beauty of the practice. You think “you” are doing the greatest deed, but actually you are just an instrument of the Absolute Love. You can change your state so quickly… it is a CLICK. And BAM! Heaven is revealed.   This was my main insight during the trip. Now, let's go to some other ones:    Just fucking accept being bored...    As a technological-oriented person, I oftentimes fail to appreciate the simplicity of what is already being given to me. Seriously, why do I keep wanting so goddamn much? I fail to appreciate the power of patience. What does that mean? Sometimes nothing will happen, and that is wonderful. So, in a way, if I am feeling bored out of my mind, if I think, “Oh my goodness, this person is so boring. I think I am going to die of boredom”, BAM! That’s a sign to stay with that boredom instead of running away by doing something else to make up for that unpleasant feeling.   ___________________________________________   As you may know, there is only You here. You are God. But that is just the first part of the story. The second part is that I am also God. Everybody you walked by today is also God. The question is: are you listening to people really? Or are you stuck in your own little universe? We often want to be heard, but we don't want to listen. To be successful with women, you don't need to be that alpha-macho guy who talks very confidently, sometimes the most attractive thing you can do is to listen... It is so freaking funny... people start projecting "godly" attributes to you.    ___________________________________________   Trust your vulnerability    Sometimes the simple intention of “wanting to understand the other party” is enough to make yourself and the other person happy. Have you ever had that feeling of being in a group and everybody wants to talk, but nobody is willing to listen? I have been focusing a lot on “building self-confidence.” This is great, but I can easily miss the target by trying to improve myself too much. What I have found is that people (and especially women) like me the most when I am focusing on being natural. This means that if I am not feeling well, it is perfectly fine to be honest about that. If I am low on energy, I do not have to pretend that I am with high vibes. No… instead, I am learning to be more human, you know?   ___________________________________________   Stop being a goddamn micro-managing boss!   As Jack Kornfield puts it,   Guys, I don’t know if you have watched Leo’s video on self-love. If you haven’t, watch it at least once. The energy of unconditional love is so strong that it instantaneously melts away tons and tons of your ugly emotional and personality problems. Trying to run away from your personality by focusing on an ideal self is a fucking waste of time and energy. Think of it like this: you have an Army of Angels living in your subconscious mind. Just give commands to yourself, and that army will work for you. You will think that you are doing wonderfully in your life, but actually it all boils down to the subconscious mind.  Or do you seriously want to do it all alone? Self-improvement can lead to many traps. You can become highly neurotic. Why? Because you can put yourself under a microscope. It is just like getting addicted to cleaning. Don’t get me wrong: cleaning is great, but accept that things will get dirty again. On the other hand, when you decide to focus on your heart space, everything starts to auto-balance and auto-correct. What do you prefer: auto-correction, big results, and easy [Love] OR manual correction, poor results, and stress [ego-driven self-improvement]?    “I got to take massive action to change stuff in my life” >> Ok, Ego, thank you for your concern. But seriously Love will melt away all problems. Haha. Sorry to break to you, highly masculine-oriented folks here on this forum… I would love to say: “Go ahead and do 4 hours of meditation a day, and your life will transform.” Sorry, but no. I am also accustoming myself to practicing love. As Leo puts it sounds fruity, too soft… Unconditional self-love is the fastest way to enlightenment. And when I mean unconditional self-love is: you love yourself regardless of what you are doing. Stop seeing yourself like you are some kind of enemy. Creating partitions in your mind of “the good me vs the bad me” is a direct road to hell. Separation is the greatest illusion… Good and bad… Sweet and sour… God and Devil… All two sides of the same coin. They need each other. Lightness needs darkness.   Enlightenment is not an excuse to be mean to people. Sometimes the highest form of sophistication is to be an extremely simple human being. as fragile as you are… We often carry this armor of survival... we simply don’t allow ourselves to let it go, you know? I am talking, now, to your subconscious mind: you are safe. You are safe to be whoever you feel like it. You are safe to express yourself. You are safe to be you.   Trust me, you are not a monster. Or if you want to live your life thinking that you are the “enemy”, go ahead and do it. But know that telling yourself those kinds of things are as effective as saying to a 5-year-old “You are a little monster. I will discipline you.” And then you spank that 5-year-old. Good job, Ego!!!   It all comes down to lack of love.   ___________________________________________   Thank you, Leo!!!   During this trip, a lot of things that Leo says came to mind. I was like, “Yes! That makes perfect sense! Thank you for the courage to having the guts of saying ‘You are the Devil’” Trust me, guys, a lot of things that Leo says makes zero sense today, but its meaning will be crystal-clear 5 or 10 years from now. Just take those bitter pills and shut up…   ___________________________________________   Greatest fear...    I also worked with my greatest fear which is to go crazy. I feel like my insanity waves were all a self-fulling prophecy. Plus, I trusted what others said about me. Two years ago I was highly vulnerable and I ended up opening myself up to the wrong people, which made me feel unsafe -- as if there was something wrong with me. I was sick emotionally, and the other person was also sick. Not helpful at all…   ___________________________________________   Feminine vs Masculine Energies   I achieved some amazing states while I was on the psychedelic experience. I am exploring masculine versus feminine energy. It is so fascinating to study the two poles. Yin, yang. Currently my favorite Leo's video is "Masculine vs Feminine" It makes so much sense! Very enlightening video! This paradox is so beautiful.   ___________________________________________   Do not dismiss the seeking...    I could tell you all: don’t force yourself too much, don’t get lost in all the seeking, just Be… However, this is very easy to say in my position. I am so laid-back and happy now, because I went through the experience of fucking things up, screwing up the whole process because I was rushing too much… And, now, I have simply relaxed the fuck down. However, that “journey” was necessary… And what I notice is that I dismiss that in others. I think to myself, “Oh my god, why does this person make so much effort?” This is especially true to enlightenment. Enlightenment shouldn’t be your number 1 priority. Let it come naturally… Hahaha… but do whatever you are doing. You might think, “BUT WHAT SHOULD I DO?????” Anything… seriously… This life is a trip. Yes, it might be painful, unpleasant, annoying as fuck; but it is worth it. This life only is true because of Love. Seriously, why would You have invented this whole thing, if it weren’t for Love? You might dismiss the power of unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, and unconditional positive regards towards yourself; but those are the things that will bring you results at least 10x faster, stronger, and more intensively than neurotic self-improvement. Results start to pouring in... It will rain blessing... And plus... it will be in a smooth way.   Soft is the new strong!!!   But…… if you want to go the other way, the way of pain, go ahead and do it. If you think you “have to” suffer, this is your choice. Love is always here, whether you want it or not.   But the question is: how can I be more loving towards myself?   > Invoke the Divine and forward your emotional bullshit to It. If you’re like a scientific type of person, like I am, you might disregard this. I choose to believe in higher forms of intelligence and I ask for their guidance. Sometimes I go, "Buddha, use me in this moment. I can't take it by myself... Work yourself through me." By setting this simple intention, my actions start to automatically change. By believing, you co-create it.    > Unconditional gentle self-talk It is rather sad how I usually talk to myself. I am kind of like my worst enemy. So... I am now treating myself as I would treat a 5-year-old. My inner child doesn't understand logic, rationality. Therefore, I should treat it accordingly, you know? So... lots of fruity self-talk   > Allow all thoughts to pass through you without judgement When was the last time you allowed yourself to think whatever your inner child wants? We become so fearful to think as spiritual seekers. It is like, “OH MY GOD! I HAD A THOUGHT! SHAME ON ME!!!!” This is obviously an exaggeration, but this happens in a smaller scale on your mind -- as if there was such a thing as failing. Tell me: how are you supposed to fail? Maybe the only way to fail is to fall into the traps of the Great Illusion. But even so, Existence loves you regardless of that. Existence doesn’t fucking care; it just fucking loves you.   ___________________________________________   Random thoughts    When was the last time you watched the FIRE? This is a perfect example of a Masculine Love. Fire simply warms you and is beautiful. BUt….. we run and run and run… You already are the fire.   Don’t listen too much to other people. They are really talking to their own selves through you. If people are bashing out at you, they are talking to themselves. If people are praising you, they are talking to themselves. You probably need people right now. And let me tell you: relationships are messy.   ___________________________________________   Let’s face it: you ain’t gonna solve all your bad habits in one-go. Just fucking trust the process…     I have been on the self-development journey for 3 years. And the results are amazing… maybe the greatest trap of this journey is to take yourself too hard. Yes, sometimes you are too damn soft and lazy, but have some goddamn compassion for yourself. You have listened to so much bullshit ever since you were in your mom’s womb… You picked up all that anxiety, negative self-talk on a cellular level.   Deep change does happen in an instant, but don’t expect change to happen. Don’t expect enlightenment to happen. This ain’t your job. Your job is to sit and do your practice. Don’t worry if you practice seems weak, it will build up naturally. It is very helpful to have a sangha to practice with. You will learn most of the things by osmosis.    What I would tell to myself of 3 years ago is: practice self-development for 3 fucking minutes a day. And the rest you allow your subconscious mind to do the hard work for you Hahaha. Your subconscious mind is like an army. Just give some commands daily.   I warn you: if you overdo shit, you will get aversed to it. Right now, I am pretty aversed to meditation because I tried too freaking hard at it… The trick is not caring so much… A little strategic change can bring the greatest result. Success is measured by inches. A highly developed human being is pretty much similar to you, but there are some strategic small moves they do daily that triggers those beautiful results.     Stop being such a hard worker, and become a smart worker.    Patience, patience, and patience.   Be fucking consistent!   You will find your way.   Just fucking relax… Hahaha… easier said than done. Enjoy the journey! You co-create it.