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Tistepiste

How to stop people pleasing?

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Hey

So one thing I feel holds me back in life right now is people pleasing. It puts myself and others in a vulnerable position.

Oftenly I'd make assumptions in what the person might expect from me and if I feel like I could let them down I either excuse myself prior to them voicing it out, to make sure that, even if they don't voice it out that I acknowledged it already.

Other situations are when I try to say words in the best way I can in order not to put another person in a bad position, if I am dealing with a situation that might not be beneficial for the other party. So then I can't really get to the point of what I'm really saying and just make the other person confused.

 

Ok.. long story. I am very aware of all that is happening and what the impact is, but this force within me Is so strong that I am not sure what are easy tricks to stop giving into it.

Has anyone else dealt with this and how do you go about it?

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On 12/24/2023 at 6:15 PM, Tistepiste said:

I am very aware of all that is happening and what the impact is, but this force within me Is so strong that I am not sure what are easy tricks to stop giving into it.

First, notice how you are saying you’re aware but also implying that you’re being tricked. 

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Edited by Yimpa

"Wrongness is the unsung hero of growth, for it is only by venturing into the unknown and risking error that we can expand the boundaries of our understanding and pave the way for groundbreaking insights and innovations." -Claude 3 Opus

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Release all your need for validation.

Feel into it.

And then release.

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It sounds like you're quite self-aware about your tendency to people-please and the impact it has on your interactions and relationships. People-pleasing behaviors often stem from a desire to avoid conflict, gain approval, or maintain harmony, but they can lead to personal stress, miscommunication, and sometimes even resentment. Here are some strategies to help manage and gradually overcome this tendency

 

  • Recognize Your Patterns: You've already started doing this by acknowledging your tendency to people-please. Keep an eye out for situations where you find yourself doing it, and note what triggers these behaviors.
  • Set Boundaries: Learning to set healthy boundaries is crucial. It's okay to say no or express your true feelings. Remember, setting boundaries is not just about saying 'no' to others, but also about saying 'yes' to your own needs and well-being.
  • Practice Assertiveness: Work on communicating your thoughts, feelings, and needs directly and respectfully. Assertiveness is about expressing yourself effectively and standing up for your point of view while also respecting the rights and beliefs of others.
  • Self-Reflection: Reflect on why you feel the need to please others. Is it fear of rejection, conflict, or a need for approval? Understanding the root cause can be helpful in addressing it.
  • Seek Feedback: Sometimes, we assume others expect something from us when they actually don’t. Check your assumptions by asking for feedback. This can also help in clarifying communication.
  • Mindfulness and Self-Compassion: Practice mindfulness to stay present in the moment and recognize when you're falling into people-pleasing patterns. Treat yourself with compassion, understanding that it's a process to change these ingrained habits.
  • Slow Down Your Response: Instead of immediately saying yes or shaping your response based on what you think others want to hear, take a moment to consider what you really think or feel.
  • Develop Self-Confidence: Work on building your self-esteem and confidence. The more you value yourself, the less you might feel the need to seek validation from others.
  • Counseling or Therapy: If you find it challenging to tackle this on your own, consider seeking help from a professional, like a therapist or counselor. They can provide personalized strategies and support.
  • Self-Care: Engage in activities that promote your well-being and remind you of your worth. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s essential for maintaining mental and emotional health.
  • Remember, change doesn't happen overnight. It's a gradual process, and it's okay to have setbacks. Be patient with yourself as you work on shifting these patterns.

Thanks ChatGpT4 for this bit of wisdom

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13 hours ago, Rafael Thundercat said:

Thanks ChatGpT4 for this bit of wisdom

Damn, for a second I thought you came up with it. Nice to put this disclaimer at the end 


"Wrongness is the unsung hero of growth, for it is only by venturing into the unknown and risking error that we can expand the boundaries of our understanding and pave the way for groundbreaking insights and innovations." -Claude 3 Opus

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Firstly, thanks for sharing, that is a massive first step, well done!

I understand your struggle with people-pleasing. It often involves preemptively adjusting your behavior based on assumptions about others' expectations. This habit can lead to confusion and miscommunication, both for you and the people you interact with.

Being aware of this tendency is a great first step. To combat the internal force driving your people-pleasing behavior, consider the strategies I've shared below. It's a journey of self-discovery and assertiveness, and many have found success through therapy, reading, and practical exercises in boundary-setting. Stay committed to this path, and you'll see positive changes.

As a former people-pleaser, I consider myself quite knowledgeable in this area and I'm here to offer you some practical advice. Be cautious in online forums; they can sometimes be filled with unhelpful spiritual fluff.

Understanding the Root: People-pleasing often stems from deep-rooted traumas. As a child, if your needs were neglected, you might have developed a belief that you weren’t good enough to be loved for who you are. This can lead to people-pleasing behaviors. Healing these inner wounds is crucial for overcoming this tendency.

Therapeutic Approaches: Experiment with different healing techniques to find what resonates with you. IFS therapy, talk therapy, inner child work, and, with caution, psychedelics, are some options to explore. Recommended books include "Home Coming" by John Bradshaw and "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.

Assertiveness Training: An immediate and practical step is to learn assertiveness. This helps in setting boundaries and ensuring your needs are met. Essential reads are "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyways" by Susan Jeffers and "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith.

Practicing Boundaries: Start with small steps. For instance, if your coffee is cold, request a new one. If your food order is wrong, ask for a correction. These small acts of asserting yourself will build your confidence in setting boundaries.

Channeling Anger: Embrace your anger as a tool. If you're a people-pleaser, there's likely deep pain within you. Accessing this pain can lead to anger, which can be a powerful ally in establishing boundaries.

Advanced Steps - Spiritual Work: While psychological healing is foundational, don't overlook spiritual growth for complete self-love and self-validation. I initially bypassed the basic work and went straight to spirituality, which was ineffective. However, books like "The Courage to Be Disliked" and "Pursuing Awakening" can be transformative but are more advanced and require greater depth in your consciousness, it is unfair to expect a newbie to work with all this.

More Reading Recommendations: Consider Peter Ralston’s trilogy and "Surrender" by Dr. Hawkins.

Action Plan:

Engage in therapy for deep trauma work.

Read the recommended books.

Get into assertiveness training.

Learn and practice setting boundaries.

Pursue awakening and develop a strong life purpose (late-stage).

Note:

Assertiveness training and setting boundaries are quick-fixes but important nonetheless.

Therapy, self-love and spiritual work is healing at the root. This is the most important thing.

WARNING:

Please be wary of advanced spiritual advice, IT WILL NOT HELP YOU. The people giving this advice probably have not gone through what you have gone through and lack nuance. PLEASE do not skip therapy, healing, and just basic psychological work.

Edited by Anon212

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