April's 30th.

[Sabth]

It was just travelling to the same place so . I wish to travel to a lot of different place. I wish for independence. To buy my own flight ticket

 . If only there was a record. Of all the flights I've taken..  it would be a lot. But there's no record..

[Sabth]

 

[Sabth]

I can't get this off my mind

 

[Sabth]

I'm listening to this to sleep~

https://youtu.be/Df7mcTGUzF0

13:03

Edited June 6 by Sabth

[Sabth]

I should get back to the old wise me. 

I am constantly feeling dirty to myself idk what to do. Like feel dirty. A dirty feeling. It was very uncomfortable. And idk how to get myself cleaned again. Going to a waterfall? Who knows maybe it will do. But this constant feeling is just hard to erase. No matter how clean/good my room smell I still feel dirty. Idk where it comes from. But this feeling is constant. Idk what to do with it. I've tried, maybe it was the food that I eat. Or idk.. it's a feeling. It's not physical. It's hard to explain. But the feelings comes out physically. Idk why. Maybe it was the people I've spent my time with. Idk. I wonder if I changed my lifestyle 180° would it be different/beneficial? Idk.  Given that my eyesight are no longer that good, idk what to do with my life. Maybe it is part of being old. This dirtiness feeling. Because I'm getting older. And I'm no longer as baby as I am. Usually am

 . I've lost my innocence/baby nature. Idk. I remained in that state for quite a long time.. until I'm twenty two? Idk. But I remained adolescent for long. Longer than what adults do. Then I was abused much then I'm no longer innocent . With a lot of traces of this "abuse". I've been painted that. Written.  So yeah.. I'm no longer pure. And I've closed my mind to a lot of things. Otherwise I'm receptive. Very open and receptive. Now I've closed my mind to a lot of things. And no longer learn. I've been painted ugly. I think so. I wish I would never had to go through that. What if it never happened?.. what if I'm enclosed and keep close to "my" circles? And never have met the outside world? I wonder. But I'm spoilt. So now idk what to do with my life. I wish to be cleaned is not really the right word. I wish to be....  Idk. Idk how to make myself feel like ... Idk but I want to loose this feeling that I've felt now. However that is. 

I'm considering to move out to a different place. But still, I wonder. If it's still would make it different. Or worse? Who knows? Idk.. 

I think it had to do with my eyes. You could say I want to feel fresh. Like you're in paradise (forests) or something. Without this straining or blurry. Just a perfect ,or relaxing eyesight, even if I don't wanna wear a spectacle, things would be pleasing to the eye. non straining..I wish it would be true.. maybe a change in lifestyle would make it. Wardrobe changes and changing how I live now. (I buy things through my mom now.. everything so I wish to change that. And be different.) 8:56PM 7June2023

I should get back to the old wise me. 

Idk what I want. Maybe the last thing I wanted was to go to a waterfall. 

Or a beach. But I no longer want it. It's been too long. 

Amazing life would be...     North pole /south pole? (Living there) not that my place now isn't amazing but I think so. It would be great to explor3 those area. But to a kid like me?; From a green country that never had cold climate. I haven't explored my own country to its entirety. So nvmd those~

 

Edited June 8 by Sabth

[Sabth]

Now writing this reminds me of an old time dream..  

[Sabth]

I wanna be a scientist. I'm into science. But get into arts. 

Edited June 7 by Sabth

[Sabth]

I don't know why I put this yesterday.

[Sabth]

 

[Sabth]

I just don't hv anyone to bring me to jog everyday (the outside weather seems nice now. ) 4:47PM

.

How am I gonna start over my life? Let's say, I live for 80/70 years I'm now in my twenty 27 without any higher education or work. I'm just living with my family. Am I at a bad point in life? Everything are rightly so. 

I think it's good to die young. Old age seems like a hard work..

3:55PM

We're planning a trip to somewhere in 19days. Idk how to feel as I prefer to be here. 

I may be here because I'm bored. 10 June 2023 1:57PM

Tayyon? : My mom's reaction >< (when she reads it). 

 

 

I really dream a lot today and yesterday, swimming pool, video editing (aerial view), kids little kids, small birds that was still in it's eggs.. it was so weird.. but the pool scene was nice . I was editing some vids.. there are many people. 

 

 

[Sabth]

11:11

[Sabth]

I wanna go to a beach, or a waterfall. Do I really wanna? 

[Sabth]

I hv been disconnected with some of my friends now I miss them. (I hv completely forgotten them/her.) Only now, that I remember. 

I wonder how she's doing. Our contact are probably lost forever because my previous phone are stolen. And that was a phase when I'm with her/hv her. There are some more memories in it. 

[Sabth]

A rant from yesterday. 

Edited June 14 by Sabth

[Sabth]

If I was rich, I want to buy :

• A new PC (laptop!)
• A new camera.
• A new hard disk
• Clothes line up (a new one) changing my style maybe. To more comfort and ease.
• Attending a university (taking a degree of suitable courses)
• A travel to a waterfall (non-local) amboli ghat
• A travel to x (somewhere else)
• A travel to Egypt after I've settled down a lot of things. 

This is it. 

• Maybe a safety gears. 
• A house renovation maybe. Or buying a studio apartment somewhere. In the middle of the _   . (No. I don't wanna live in other places. Except for my degree.) 

Things that are most important :

• My eyes. 
• Safety (to skate or walk). 

If I'm rich, I may want to renovate the house all over again (it had been destroyed. Since it had been destroyed.) 

And I want to do something for my x.

Edited June 13 by Sabth

[Sabth]

I'm afraid that I am just wasting my time doing nothing. It felt weird not into anything. Or doing nothing. 

It just felt weird. To have nothing that I'm working into/towards. I feel like am I really free?

Am I really available ? It has been a few times this year when I travelled. As if I hv no commitment or nothing to do. It just felt weird. And this weekend we will go to a beach. 

[Sabth]

 

Let me do something else. Backward. Like Instagram. 

27- now

I don't remember what I did last year or the year before. Just living life. I remember every Taeyeon releases. So there's that, that reminds me of what I do. Era. Quarantine era. 

This year I've been just doing nothing. Much. A few travel and that's it. Maybe just one drawing. But I get tired by the thoughts of it. So I don't do more. Only one. 

I've taken a fish as a pet and breed it. One of the things I did within the past years. And it did work out. So I've got a lot of baby fish. But then it all died. So there is that phase. 

I don't create any new video to it's completion either except some very few exceptions. Maybe four. But that too aren't good or the best. But I had that anyway.

I had some business idea like creating my own brand but barely even started. And then after a long stop, my book where I keep all of my ideas and notes including the prices of things I bought got stolen. It was among the thing that went missing when I was taken away earlier this year or last year. So I no longer remember my notes. That will start up this "business" . Idea. My first ever. I wonder who do all these. What are their purpose or motive. Why they do it. Or for what. But I don't care.

Ever since 2012 Ive always had a camera. With me. So when it was broken, I don't know what to do. It's an old camera. I've been using it for long. I don't have money to buy a new one. I haven't work. Haven't gotten into career or work. So I don't hv my own money. A lot. I have asked my parent to buy me one but they wouldn't. They don't hv money either. They've spent it all on my brother to buy him a car and a motorcycle. I think. But who cares I need to find my own money. 

I really wanna buy a new camera a new harddisk and a new laptop. A good one. But I may not know what to do with it. So , that's why I wanna get enrolled into a university (just like back then) so I had know of something to do with it. Just all over again. I guess. ? Anyone had a better idea on what I could use it for? 

.

There's nothings much that I'm currently doing now. I may wanna go for a      sewing     course. So that I could make my own clothing line. (I always thought this idea is good) because I don't usually find the clothes that I like in store. Or that suits me. So might as well create my own. If I know the technique. (As a young girl, I have asked my mom to buy me a sewing machine but she wouldn't. It is one of the things that she wouldn't allow me to. So, yeah, till now I still hadn't got any skills. ) I bought my own stabilizer (glidecam) so that might be one thing that I'm good at (but my camera is broken now and it's been long since I haven't used it. ) So yeah~.  

🫁🫀🧠🎥🎞️💻🖥️🛍️🕯️💡⚖️🏮👠🕶️♣️🌷🌵🗺️🎬🎓

 

How can I be something of value?

Edited June 14 by Sabth

[Sabth]

 

[Sabth]

I got a few good topic dreams.. 

[Sabth]

I want to re create this Taeyeon's make up look ;

https://www.instagram.com/p/CBzZukvhphJ/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==