guilt over my grandpas death

[patricknotstar]

I have extreme guilt over my grandpas death. This was two years ago. I feel guilty because towards the end of his life which I didn't expect btw as he was only in his 70's. I was going through a horrible depressive point in my life. I was waiting for a diagnosis for an illness I don't want to disclose that could've ended my life. 

For some reason I decided not to tell my grandpa as he was recovering from heart surgery and I didn't want to burden him further. HOWEVER the consequence was I became a very VERY bitter and depressive person. To everyone. 
 

I became so cold that for the last few months of his life I hardly talked to him. All I could think of was my diagnosis. I ignored him and he wondered why , this was even worse because he lived with us. 

After he died about 2 months later I received my diagnosis that I was in the clear, had it been otherwise I would've been facing a pretty high mortality rate. I felt a guilt and sadness I have never felt. 

Yes I cried when he died for a week straight. I loved my grandpa more than anyone can imagine. He was closer to me than my dad, when I was just a month old my parents left me to live with my grandparents so they could work full time. After that period my grandparents moved in with them. Essentially I lived with my grandparents longer than my parents my whole life. 

I will never forgive myself for how cold I was to him during those last months. If I had known I would've spent every moment possible next to him telling him how much I love and appreciate him. Instead I was a cold prick to everyone caught in my own situation. 

The worst part is. He wouldn't have known why as he didn't know what was going on, but how could I know he'd die before I could tell him! 
 

I will now spend the rest of my life thinking about what if in his last moments what he thought was why did his grandson stop loving him. I will never be able to explain to him what happened. It's been two years and I think about him everyday and the guilt never goes away. I need to know I will have the chance one day to tell him how sorry I am. 

Edited April 14, 2023 by patricknotstar

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

I am going somehow through the same. 
I think that u couldn’t do better than what u we’re doing at the time. 
Just the thought and and the feeling that u wanted to be a better loving presence for people around you is already a sign of compassion and forgiveness.

But sometimes we help people even if we cause them hurt and negativity, we push them into the suffering of life, slowly making them realize that other people and circumstances are not main solutions for happiness so there are more chances for them to start to become more aware. So there is an indirect help also in this, in my opinion 

[Arthogaan]

He was an adult. He had his whole life to prepare for death. Everyone dies ultimately alone. You will too. So don't be that harsh to yourself, it is not your responsibility to be a loving person to those dying especially when you have rough time. Just take it as a motivation to become the best human being possible.

[BlueOak]

Use the guilt to remind yourself that you'll be there for others when they need you. Especially when they are alone. Could be the greatest and most painful gift you've ever had.

Every single person reading this has ignored others at some point. Most of any age reading it have lost someone, and most reading it will remember a time they wish they could have done something differently, better, been more attentive or kinder etc.

I wouldn't let the guilt go myself until I was sure the reason for it was 100% integrated into my life. As for him, he's in no pain anymore, he's everything that ever was or is. So you just told him, because you read and felt the words. Now you can show yourself in your actions.

Take care of yourself.

[Vibes]

Don't run from your guilt. Just feel it and allow it. It will pass, and you'll just remember the good moments you had with him.

[Moksha]

Given that you spent most of your growing up life with him, I don't doubt that your grandpa knew you well, probably better than you know yourself. Don't assume that he didn't see past the suffering you were in, to the grandson that he knew and loved. He may not have understood why you were suffering, but he loved you all the same, and knew that you loved him regardless of how you acted.

Take this as a window to yourself. What does blaming yourself accomplish? Would your grandfather want you to be miserable about it, or would he want you to learn from it and celebrate your life?

I'm very familiar with self-judgment. It teaches you nothing, and takes everything. See it for the lie that it is, and let it go.

[Buck Edwards]

We always want the best for everyone. You have to understand that this is the nature of reality. And embrace whatever comes.