Losing my grip on sanity, need help.

[Ely Higgins]

I am dealing with some very complex mental health problems. What I ultimately might need is a therapist who is knowledgable about psychedelics and aware of spiritual matters, who can sort of tease this stuff out of me, because even I can't wrap my head around it. If anyone knows of such a service, I'd love to know. I hope what I write makes some sense. 

I am going through the darkest times in my life right now. Everything feels lacking in meaning, to varying degrees. I feel like I've come to irreversible harm, because nothing I'm doing to help myself is working. I haven't had real friends in like 2 years, and I'm someone who needs a lot of friends. But my mind has become so twisted and weird, and I feel disconnected from all human beings. I overthink absolutely everything, and I overthink about my overthinking, it's even happening with my family now. I'll be sitting there watching them talk about something, and I can't just be present and listen, I just start overthinking the interaction, or I start thinking about something entirely different. I feel like I'm losing my mind, I feel like an alien. My head is filled with all these metaphysical ideas Leo talks about, but I can't even be present with my family, or laugh when someone does something funny. I'm disturbed because I know I am god as much as I can on an intellectual level without directly experiencing it. I was open minded enough to be like, "oh shit, I'm god" just from watching Leo's videos, so that's got me in a wierd place.  

Before 2 years ago, I was the happiest, healthiest guy ever. That was around the time I had my first acid trip with a bunch of my friends, which went bad at the end. Something may have bubbled up then, I don't know. Roughly since then I've had these problems. 

I'm doing lots of healthy things, I exercise, I eat well, I take Vit D and Omega 3, meditate for 40 mins a day using the 'do nothing' and mindfulness techniques. I go to a yoga class, I'm doing the life purpose course. I know what I really need is just good friends, but I feel so alienated from people that this won't ever be possible for me again. I just need a wise person who is in a really good place themselves, and who is knowledgable about these things to hold my hand through this. I've developed depression, anxiety, social anxiety, ADHD. I'm not diagnosed and I'm not taking any medication for these as I'm worried that will do me even more damage. My dad is the only person I know who might have some idea, but I really believe he'll think I've lost my mind, and that that will sadden him. I feel like there is no one I can talk to who won't think I'm insane. 

Some possible causes I could name: BOTH of my parents were sexually abused as children. Generational trauma maybe? I've had a couple bad trips on LSD and Mushrooms, I've done DMT (not a bad trip but no breakthrough). I've spent a LOT of time in solitude for someone of my age and temperament (21 and typically very extraverted) over the last two years. I've consumed much of Leo's content over the last 9 months, I think this could have certainly been harmful for me at this point in my life. I've spent a lot of time stoned, in a haze of negative thoughts. I've been a smoker and a vaper.I've done a lot of stuff I regret, out of foolishness. What I need is a clear way forward that will actually work. 

If this isn't the dark night of the soul I don't know what is. I have an idea to do 5meo DMT, seeing as I've come this far, and just enlighten myself and just say goodbye to a life lived in confusion, separation and lack. I know you shouldn't do this if you're mentally unstable, but I'm having suicidal thoughts anyway so it feels like a very promising last resort in my mind. I have no idea what to do. It's arriving in about a week. I could put all of this life theory I've consumed to good use and actually help a lot of people, if I could just sort myself out. It's so frustrating! I feel like I'm sitting on a treasure trove of knowledge and life experience. There's so much I want to do, I know I could do it all if I just had some genuine social connection to ground me. Some love. If I ever get out of this hole, the world better put their seatbelts on. 

 

 

 

[HMD]

You need to pace yourself brother. Life is a marathon, not a race. 

You have pushed past the limits of your ego to the point where your it can't handle the expansion of consciousness. 

You are also addicted to several substances (or were in the past) which can make it difficult to handle otherwise bearable situations. So, focus on straightening that wrinkle out. 

Finally, as you noticed, you need human interaction. Start by listening to others. Not hearing but listening. Try to marvel at the awesomeness of speaking, language, and comprehension. That other people can communicate their implicit experience to you and you can try to do the same to them by being authentic and vulnerable. I went through this phase of nihilism and insanity too. But I expressed my experience authentically to my friends and family, I didn't wait for them to save me. I showed up authentically and turned out that was all I needed. 

You may need serious psychological help. But I suggest that you try the things above. And give the whole spiritual thing a break. 

 

[Ely Higgins]

@HMD Thanks man. You've given me some good pointers, and I should definitely forget spirituality for now. What about meditation? Is that a good idea or is it too spiritual? 

[HMD]

@Ely Higgins Yeah it is too spiritual imo. You shouldn't be spending too much time alone or doing nothing. Ideally, you should be involved in an activity or having authentic conversations with people, anything that takes you out of your head.

You see by talking to other people, you'll start to develop a sense of self (which might have shattered because of the expansion of consciousness). So, once you start to notice that the sense of self is getting too strong now (probably in 2-3 months), you can safely return to spirituality again. 

If you need someone to talk to, you can always hit me up in private. 

[Ely Higgins]

@HMD That's really put things into perspective, thank you so much. This forum is a godsend. 

[HMD]

@Ely Higgins 

29 minutes ago, Ely Higgins said:

This forum is a godsend

100%.

 

29 minutes ago, Ely Higgins said:

thank you so much.

You are welcome brother. Remember: Once you are past this phase, you'll recognize your true power. So, none of this is in vain. 

[integral]

3 hours ago, Ely Higgins said:

My head is filled with all these metaphysical ideas Leo talks about, but I can't even be present with my family, or laugh when someone does something funny.

It takes time, that's it, it will all come back around and you'll relax. There is no need to force things to change or happen.

Focus on life, career, girls, have fun with it. its a game. Go PLAY. 

Edited March 26 by integral

[UnbornTao]

See what you're doing with your experience: accepting it as it is allows for deeper calm and relaxation. Practice this. Deeply accept your experience. This can help a lot.

Breathe slowly and deeply, be in your body, and enjoy life!

Edited March 26 by UnbornTao

[Carl-Richard]

Don't do the 5-MeO-DMT, don't smoke weed, stop meditating for a while, find some friends and be a real person. Things will get better.

Edited March 26 by Carl-Richard

[Raze]

Get ifs therapy 

[Ely Higgins]

11 hours ago, integral said:

It takes time, that's it, it will all come back around and you'll relax. There is no need to force things to change or happen.

Focus on life, career, girls, have fun with it. its a game. Go PLAY. 

That's exactly what I'll do, thank you.

[Ely Higgins]

11 hours ago, UnbornTao said:

See what you're doing with your experience: accepting it as it is allows for deeper calm and relaxation. Practice this. Deeply accept your experience. This can help a lot.

Breathe slowly and deeply, be in your body, and enjoy life!

Probably too spiritual for me atm, although I'll try. Thanks. How does one just accept?

[Ely Higgins]

11 hours ago, Carl-Richard said:

Don't do the 5-MeO-DMT, don't smoke weed, stop meditating for a while, find some friends and be a real person. Things will get better.

Thanks. It's funny how this should be obvious yet I needed to be told anyway. 

[UnbornTao]

On 3/27/2023 at 10:50 AM, Ely Higgins said:

Probably too spiritual for me atm, although I'll try. Thanks. How does one just accept?

Well, you do it. That's the gist of it. Pay attention to how you may be avoiding your experience. Without reacting or suppressing, allow yourself to feel and experience fully.

Edited April 2 by UnbornTao

[Mada_]

I think a lot of people can relate to this. 

Your description of your current state shows uncanny resemblance to my experience being 17/18 years of age, was doing a few hours of spiritual work a day and was experimenting with psychedelics. Especially felt disconnected from others, family, having Leo's voice spinning around my head. 

It will pass my friend, especially because you are being proactive. 

 

I eventually realised I was neglecting my material life, and I could do spiritual work but had to be dead serious about my survival and success. I spoke to a lot of councilors at this time, they guided me to some insights that stuck with me, but ultimately I realised the less I looked after myself, the more I needed help, and the more I looked after myself and the less I needed help. 

Not mastering the three base chakras is really grounded advice, Leo talks about this in his dangers of spiritual work video, not having a handle on that bottom rung in the hierarchy of needs seems to not fare well for many people doing spiritual work. 

 

I remember teetering on insanity, I used to do meditations, and would force myself to laugh because I believed god was trying to get me to fully let go through laughter, even if it meant freaking out my family in the other room. I isolated myself in my final year of high school because my debauched friends were "distracting me from my growth". 

 

Pillars of what grounded me:

- coming back to the question "what can I be certain of?" (huge! I've wasted years misinterpreting what Leo teaches and not thinking for myself, it will take years to integrate what Leo teaches)

- putting my life into an existential context; might not be best for you if you're really vulnerable. But this was one of Sadghuru's concepts in his Inner Engineering course - I contemplate my own suffering, my own life relative to the whole of reality... Basically arriving on the insight that if I suffer, life will continue, if I die, life will continue. This has been really grounding for me. 

- socialising, doing serious night-game and day-game everyday for 7 months

- being incredibly disciplined with my diet... started mercury detoxification (huge commitment and financial strain, but I'm on my way, hopefully I can get it done as swiftly and safely as possible)

- holotropic breathwork/integrating with a councilor... Feeling deeply into the emotions in my body

- the LP course

- moving out of my parent's house

- starting a job that exposed me to a whole world of new experience; I started caring for people with disabilities, how my government deals with such people, I had no idea what people and their families go through, or how much I take for granted my own independence

- moving in with chill housemates so I'm socialising a lot 

[Wolfgang Winterkaise]

There is genuine fulfillment and feeling at peace with oneself in the simplicity of the conservative worldview simplifying life. I know that you're far too intelligent and developed beyond conservatism to get caught up in its excesses so consider it's positive lessons on order and stable living. Higher meaning and not being overly fixated on ourselves is what makes life organized and our actions purposeful with others. Consider conservatism's view on organicism: It's about finding meaning in the collectives of our family, community, the nation, the environment, and the gods (in that order). And acting with honor and truth, humility, right action and good faith. I do think living life within clearly articulated boundaries is therapeutic. I hope you get well soon. 
Take it from our well to-do friend Ned Flanders:

Just when you think there's nothing to fall back on there's still convention and tradition. It's one thing to specify a path unique to you, but another thing to really work on the foundation. There's great meaning and satisfaction in getting the foundation of our life put together like a work of art. 

 

Edited March 28 by Wolfgang Winterkaise

[Ely Higgins]

8 hours ago, Mada_ said:

I think a lot of people can relate to this. 

Your description of your current state shows uncanny resemblance to my experience being 17/18 years of age, was doing a few hours of spiritual work a day and was experimenting with psychedelics. Especially felt disconnected from others, family, having Leo's voice spinning around my head. 

It will pass my friend, especially because you are being proactive. 

 

I eventually realised I was neglecting my material life, and I could do spiritual work but had to be dead serious about my survival and success. I spoke to a lot of councilors at this time, they guided me to some insights that stuck with me, but ultimately I realised the less I looked after myself, the more I needed help, and the more I looked after myself and the less I needed help. 

Not mastering the three base chakras is really grounded advice, Leo talks about this in his dangers of spiritual work video, not having a handle on that bottom rung in the hierarchy of needs seems to not fare well for many people doing spiritual work. 

 

I remember teetering on insanity, I used to do meditations, and would force myself to laugh because I believed god was trying to get me to fully let go through laughter, even if it meant freaking out my family in the other room. I isolated myself in my final year of high school because my debauched friends were "distracting me from my growth". 

 

Pillars of what grounded me:

- coming back to the question "what can I be certain of?" (huge! I've wasted years misinterpreting what Leo teaches and not thinking for myself, it will take years to integrate what Leo teaches)

- putting my life into an existential context; might not be best for you if you're really vulnerable. But this was one of Sadghuru's concepts in his Inner Engineering course - I contemplate my own suffering, my own life relative to the whole of reality... Basically arriving on the insight that if I suffer, life will continue, if I die, life will continue. This has been really grounding for me. 

- socialising, doing serious night-game and day-game everyday for 7 months

- being incredibly disciplined with my diet... started mercury detoxification (huge commitment and financial strain, but I'm on my way, hopefully I can get it done as swiftly and safely as possible)

- holotropic breathwork/integrating with a councilor... Feeling deeply into the emotions in my body

- the LP course

- moving out of my parent's house

- starting a job that exposed me to a whole world of new experience; I started caring for people with disabilities, how my government deals with such people, I had no idea what people and their families go through, or how much I take for granted my own independence

- moving in with chill housemates so I'm socialising a lot 

That's so helpful, to have your experience to relate mine to. And it seems like you found your way out of it pretty well, congrats. 

That list of 'grounding pillars' looks a lot like the things I've identified that will help me. I still need more socializing, and I don't have a therapist yet, but I am just about to start working as a teaching assistant, working with kids who have special education needs. Uncanny! I'm also about to move in with my brother, which will be much better than living alone. 

[Ely Higgins]

5 hours ago, Wolfgang Winterkaise said:

There is genuine fulfillment and feeling at peace with oneself in the simplicity of the conservative worldview simplifying life. I know that you're far too intelligent and developed beyond conservatism to get caught up in its excesses so consider it's positive lessons on order and stable living. Higher meaning and not being overly fixated on ourselves is what makes life organized and our actions purposeful with others. Consider conservatism's view on organicism: It's about finding meaning in the collectives of our family, community, the nation, the environment, and the gods (in that order). And acting with honor and truth, humility, right action and good faith. I do think living life within clearly articulated boundaries is therapeutic. I hope you get well soon. 
Take it from our well to-do friend Ned Flanders:

Just when you think there's nothing to fall back on there's still convention and tradition. It's one thing to specify a path unique to you, but another thing to really work on the foundation. There's great meaning and satisfaction in getting the foundation of our life put together like a work of art. 

 

Yeah, I think I've been getting ahead of myself. Thank you. I need to put my energy into building the base of the hierarchy of needs pyramid for now. 

[flowboy]

If both parents had an abusive childhood - it's basically unheard of for their child (you) to not incur some sort of childhood trauma - even the subtle kind that you're not aware of.

Yes, parents do their best, but fulfilling all of a child's needs is not something that can be done through will and effort - it's something that emanates from an integrated state of being. Only a fully healed, feeling, non-neurotic parent can fulfil all of a child's needs.

Therefore, don't fall into the trap of skipping over the years of therapy one needs in order to be ready for any kind of enlightenment to take hold in a stable way - this spiritual bypassing is the most common mistake in communities like this.

LSD and marijuana stimulate old childhood and infant pain and make it bubble up - if unrecognised as such, the mind's only defense is to adopt / spin a web of beliefs and ideas, to balance out and compensate for the unrecognised pain that is now there and needs to be "explained" - because a vague, all-encompassing discomfort-that-can-not-be-named is intolerable for the mind. The stronger the pain, the stranger the ideas have to be. This is what happens when people get psychosis after their first trip - but it can also happen in a more subtle way, such as seeking ideology and adopting new beliefs and holding them firmly.

If your ideas and beliefs from Leo's content feel like they are not just a "take it or leave it" body of knowledge, but ideas that are firmly clung to - I suspect that this is what's happened to you as well. You now need these ideas/beliefs to stay sane - simply trying to change or forget them will have adverse effects (insanity). The only way out is through - deal with past pain through regression and crying. If you're not going to get a therapist, then check out my youtube channel and follow the instructions - but I recommend you get a good therapist who is into childhood stuff.

In addition to what others mentioned - live your life, be a person, lay off the spiritual practices for a while - I recommend finding a good Primal, regression or PRI therapist.

Insanity is just the mind desperately compensating for blocked childhood trauma.

The human system prefers even hallucinations and psychosis over becoming conscious of how much certain things from childhood still hurt.

Edited March 28 by flowboy

[Mada_]

15 hours ago, Ely Higgins said:

That's so helpful, to have your experience to relate mine to. And it seems like you found your way out of it pretty well, congrats. 

That list of 'grounding pillars' looks a lot like the things I've identified that will help me. I still need more socializing, and I don't have a therapist yet, but I am just about to start working as a teaching assistant, working with kids who have special education needs. Uncanny! I'm also about to move in with my brother, which will be much better than living alone. 

And you still get those mystical experiences as benchmarks for what you get to come back to when you're grounded. You know there is genuine fulfillment in spiritual work, but we've got a foundation to work on first. 

Edited March 29 by Mada_
Typo