ivankiss

Girlfriend doesn't know how to police her shit

28 posts in this topic

what kind of relationship do you want? 

 

Edit: also I think being a flirt could sometimes mean having one foot in and one foot out. Seems she can't commit 

Edited by Jacob Morres

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10 hours ago, ivankiss said:

I'd say she does. She's not going out alone, doesn't do drugs anymore, etc. She's spending most of her free time with me. It took a lot of talking and some arguing, but I think she's sticking to our agreements. I just doubt she's truly changed. I think she's just trying to be on her best behaviour to give me the impression that she's a good girlfriend.

Again, not trusting her fully and not taking her too seriously. It's too risky. Might end up burning myself bad. Better keep some distance.

Sounds to me like she is doing her best. It is very hard to change and leave pleasure island so you have to be compassionate to her too. Perhaps you know how hard it is to change. The only thing I like to add: if she is entertaining temptation, she is making it 10x harder for herself. 


In Tate we trust

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Are you and your girlfriend both Balkan? if not, how did you get her?

I want a foreign girl myself :D

@ivankiss

Edited by MarkKol

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Has she self-reflected about this? Does she have any concrete conclusions about herself based on that? What is her level of self-awareness, according to you? 

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You have to teach her.

Start with telling her how men all want sex. Because girls are different in that regard, they sometimes don't get that men think with their penis 99% of the time.

Work on her behaviour. When she is telling you about these situations and is not happy with the way she handled them. It's a clear sign she is willing to learn and change her behaviour. Many girls have helper syndrome. They have a problem with saying "no". Because they have a strong need for harmony.

This is not healthy, not for her, not for you and not for the men who get their hopes up because she isn't clear in her communication.

But with deep personal development she can Grow out of it.

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23 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

1) Sit her down and tell her this: If I am dating a girl, I am not okay with her flirting with other guys. So if a guy comes up to you and starts to flirt with you, you need to shut him down within the first 30 seconds. You tell him, "Sorry, but I have a boyfriend." If I see that you are flirting with guys beyond this, we are breaking up. This is what I require from my girlfriend. If you are not comfortable with this then no hard feelings but we are not going to work out. So take some time to think about it and let me know your decision. I will be okay with whatever decision you make. I have no desire to control you, but if you are want to be my girlfriend then I expect it to be exclusive.

@Leo GuraDo you have any advice on how to develop this kind of clear and straightforward communication especially on the topic of boundaries?

I'm insanely bad at this and way too nice to everyone my entire life, including girls. I really have to force myself to take the lead and go into conversations like this. If there's any chance to avoid it, I will do that, even at the cost of my own integrity.

I spent lots of time with my last therapist discussing this and he encouraged me alot to stand my ground more often, but it still feels unnatural and forced to me and in general I never know how to start these kind of serious conversations.

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@Mormegil There's no special trick. You just recongize that a deep communication is needed and then you force yourself to do it. Like getting out of bed when you don't want to. As you do it more and more it will become easier and more natural.

I will make videos on how to set boundaries and how to do conscious communication.

Edited by Leo Gura

You are God. You are Truth. You are Love. You are Infinity.

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27 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

and then you force yourself to do it.

Ok sounds like this doesn't come easy to other people as well. That's a bit of a relief^^

I'll practice it more often, thanks!

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